I mainly need help on grammar and if you have any other comment please feel free to say so!
Your grammar and mechanics do little or nothing to diminish the quality of your essay. The main grammar problem I see is your incorrect use of the word "yet" at the beginning of several sentences. You also misuse this word within sentences.
It goes like this:
complete thought COMMA
yetcomplete thoughtAlso, at least once you use the phrase "couldn't OF" when you really mean "couldn't HAVE."
Those are all easy fixes.
A more subtle and insidious grammar problem concerns your sentence variety. Why begin three or more consecutive sentences with "I" when you can combine them and eliminate this annoyance?
The real problems I see here are as follows:
1. The essay is too wordy. (Don't add
anything to this until you've removed all the empty words like "it.")
2. The stuff about your roommate goes on too long.
3. They no longer care about your high school years.
With regard to your content, you need to tell what went wrong and, FAR more important, what is different TODAY.If you wish, we can communicate more about this via email.