Please dont hesitate to tear my essay up as I don't believe it is very good. I would appreciate any comments you have. I really need the help. Thanks!
Prompt:ï A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
The word 'diversity' can easily be found in a dictionary but if one wishes to see it for himself, I may be able to help. A concoction of Pakistani and American cultures, I am the living embodiment of 'Diversity'. Born in a country that is not even remotely close to America, I have managed to blend the two in a way that has had a profound effect on me and helps me see the world in a new light. I am someone who truly knows the value of diversity.
While this may not be valuable to some, it has aided me when it mattered the most. A few years ago, during my World History class, we were having a discussion about Asia. After a while we got to specific countries and a name I was quite familiar with became part of our discussion. That country was my native country of Pakistan. It surprised me to find out how ignorant my fellow classmates were about Pakistan. While someone said that he thought Pakistan was part of the Middle East, another thought it was plagued with many deserts and one even thought that Pakistanis don't know English. I was in a complete state of shock. How could so many of them be ill-informed about it? As the only Pakistani in my class, I knew I had to do something to clear up these misunderstandings. I spent the rest of the class period explaining how Pakistan in actuality is China's neighbor, how it is has beautiful topography and that many Pakistanis do in fact know English. My revelation was followed by many "oohs","ahhs" and "really?". After a pat on the back by my teacher, I knew I had just managed to set some things straight and hopefully taught my fellow classmates an important lesson.
After this incident I had an epiphany about how important it is to be diverse and to shine light on a subject from a different perspective. From that day forth, I have strived to emphasize diversity in my school. I was ecstatic to know that through the help of my school's Culture Club, I was able to spread the message far enough to have a lasting effect. While I may have only reached a certain amount of people, it was a start to a much larger effort.
As the world's most massive melting pot, America is home to people from many unique cultures and that's what makes it great. However, we must make sure that those cultures are being exposed to the American people in a positive way. I hope that along with my efforts, we could strive to defeat Ignorance once and for all. One day this war on Ignorance will be won. Until that happens, I will not lose hope and continue in my endeavors.
I am the living embodiment of 'Diversity'; a concoction of Pakistani and American cultures.
Try not to put "I" at the beginning of most sentences. It's good to see you've written about ignorance and it tells the reader that you've become aware and have a curiosity. I also like your conclusion because you mention American and you tie it back to your theme. Overall a good description, just try to make your essay flow more and describe your emotions a little better.
Help with my QB essay #2? :)
You did a good job by showing your realization, and then what you did about it. That shows the admitors that instead of complaining, you do something proactive and taking the small steps to get to your over all goal, which you state in the conclusion. You've got a good flow. Over all a strong essay.
If you could review my QB biographical essay it'd be appretiated!
Since the others have commented about content, I'll focus on grammar and style.
"The word 'diversity' can easily be found in a dictionary, but if one wishes to see it for himself, I may be able to help."
Two independent clauses require both comma and conjunction.
"Born in a country that is not even remotely close to America, I have managed to blend the two in a way that has had a profound effect on me and helps me see the world in a new light."
In my opinion, "even" is unnecessary.
"While this may not be valuable to some, it has aided me when it mattered the most."
I would at least identify "diversity" again in this sentence. It may be repetitive to do so in substitution of "this," but you could change the first "this" to "it," and then the latter "it" to "diversity."
"After a while we got to specific countries, and a name I was quite familiar with became part of our discussion."
Again, compound sentence rules.
Also, you can check some of your verbs and make them stronger.
"...many deserts, and one even thought that"
Compound-complex.
"...how Pakistan in actuality is China's neighbor,"
"in actuality" isn't necessary
"'oohs', 'ahhs'"
Make sure you check for typos. This was missing a space.
"...cultures, and that is what makes it great."
Compound sentence.
Formal writing (I consider college essays to be at least semi-formal, depending on the style) does not allow contractions.
In the last paragraph, you do not identify who "we" is.
"One day this war on Ignorance will be won."
The "will be" makes that sentence weak. You can easily change it so the verbs are stronger.
"Until that happens, I will not lose hope and continue in my endeavors. "
If you analyze the structure of this sentence, you will notice that "will not" carries to "continue," destroying the meaning of your sentence. You can change up the wording to fix this.
Sorry if this sounds harsh! I get kind of emotionless when I start looking at grammar.
If you could check out my QB Biographical essay, I would appreciate it.
Thanks so much guys...your help was truly appreciated!
