An emotional connection with the reader - rhetorical research writing

So I am taking my first pseo class, rhetorical writing. And throughout this semester we have been talking about having good ethos, pathos and logos and so I am really try to work on what I have lacked in some of my other papers: pathos.

So I am writing a research paper on increasing anxiety in the US and I really want to get the reader involved in my ibtro paragraph. I wrote up what it is like to experience a panic attack so that the reader could image themselves in the position of a sufferer of anxiety but I am concerned because I used the world 'you' which we are not supposed to use of course. So I was wondering if there is another way to go around doing this or if I should simply talk to my teacher about this and see what she has to say. This is what I have so far:

"Your pulse quickens and sweat begins to form on your back. You try to slow your breathing and try to convince yourself you are being irrational. Your heart pounds faster and you loose sight of everything going on around you. Emotions are welling up and berating you as you continue to try and tell yourself eveything will be okay. You try and concentrate all of your attention on the little fiber in the carpet in front of you as you begin to feel detached from everything. Your hands clutch the desk in front of you as as tightly as they can as you try and remind yourself where you are. Just as you are convinced you are about to pass out everything suddenly returns to normal. The world rights itself just as quickly as everything had collapsed around you. You are left frightened and confused."

Good evening :)

Sometimes, mainly in creative writing situations, it is OK to use "you;" but you are correct that in this situation it would be inappropriate. How about trying something like this:

The pulse quickens and sweat begins to form on the back. Attempts to swallow are futile, and attempting to breathe slowly while trying to think about how irrational this response is do not work. The heart pounds faster and it is difficult to focus on the outside environment; emotions are welling up, berating voices, while continued attention on self-discussion proves impossible. Trying to concentrate all attention on the little fiber in the carpet directly head-on causes feelings of detachment; hands clutch the desk as tightly as possible; try and remember the exact location. Loss of conscience is convincingly imminent; then, the world rights itself just as quickly as everything had collapsed, leaving the footprints of fright and confusion.

When in doubt, take the pronoun out! :)

Regards,
Gloria
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