Hello Fellas,
In this essay, I am dealing with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. Please give me some feedback.
i will give you a thumb, if you comment on my writing with useful suggestion.
The question :
Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
to what extent do you agree or disagree?
what other measures do you think might be effective?
....
Traffic congestion and pollution, in the last few decades, have grown significantly in virtually all countries. As such, more attention should be paid on how to alleviate these problem. Whilst some people contend the most effective way to solve these global problems is by inclining the price of fuel, I would personally argue that the improvement of public transport and suitable transport system can be more appropriate resolution. Therefore, this essay will examine both views.
One of viable solutions is the higher petrol's price. In 2015, Singapore statistics authority has published in the Straits Times that the considerable number of using private car causing congestion and greenhouse gases have fallen by 10 percent, due to more expensive price of petrol. This indisputable fact underlines that the importance of increasing the price of fuel for solving these problem.
However, the enhancement of public transport can be an alternative way to solve these problem as well. One kind of improvements is to make public transport more convenient for users. Most commuters in Japan, for instance, are more likely to take comfortable public train to travel than private cars and this has inclined the traffic jam and pollution in Tokyo in 2014. As it can be seen, this effort can be a solution to tackle these globally problematic dilemma.
In addition, suitable transport system set up by government is also able to decrease the great deal of cars in the road as a major cause of both congestion and pollution. For example, Indonesia's government does not allow cars with no less than 3 passengers to pass certain busy roads such as Sudirman Street in Jakarta, called 3-in-1 traffic system. As a result, this system have reduced the traffic congestion in the rush-hours for 2 years. Therefore, the development transport system can be applied in other countries for reducing growing traffic and pollution problem.
The aforementioned evidence reveals that to tackle growing traffic jam and greenhouse gases is by increasing the price of fuel. As well as, for purpose of tackling these problems, people can implement other alternatives such as the enhancement of public transport and transport system. Where possible, people have to focus on solving the global problem to save our earth.
1st paragraph: Take out the comma after decades. When you use the word these you are discussing more than one. This means the next word should be plural. You should change it to these problems. Change this throughout this essay when you notice this. Also, change whilst to "while" and add "that" after contend. Also, I would change inclining to "increasing" so there leaves no doubt that you are discussing the rising costs of fuel. I think your argument needs some work. In the first sentence you mention traffic congestion and pollution. Do you think that public transportation can help alleviate traffic problems? Can environmentally friendly transportation such as buses and trains reduce pollution? I am asking you these questions to help you to begin to discuss your research.
2nd paragraph: In the first sentence you mention price and you even discuss one as if you are going to discuss one solution. Here is how you should change it: "One viable solution". Now the reader can see that there is only one solution and it makes sense. However, you don't address that this is linked to improving pollution. Also, you have to give credit to your research if you are quoting from this source. Was this is in the Straits Times, a website, etc? Place it in your paper. Ex: (Straits Times, 17 August 2015, p. 5). Also, you can delete that after underlines.
3rd paragraph: If you use one kind, "improvements" has to be changed to improvement. If you are quoting form a source regarding Tokyo, cite what source. See the source to again to make changes to this sentence. Change dilemma to dilemmas.
4th paragraph: Change to "a suitable transportation system" and add "the" before government. If you are discussing a decrease in cars, you would say, the number of cars on. The reader is left to wonder what deal means. This next example needs to be explained better. It seems like there is a limit to how many passengers can travel in one car. Is this a 3-in-1 traffic law in Jakarta? Change your tense from have reduced to has reduced, also change to "during rush hours. There should not be a hyphen in-between rush and hours. This last sentence, change to of a transportation system. (You want to change transport system to transportation system when you use it in this paper.)
5th paragraph: I think this last paragraph needs to be stronger. You state fuel prices should increase in your argument and enhancing public transportation. What global problems? If you use the instead of these global problems, then it seems like you just discussed one problem throughout your entire essay.
