Welcome, Siyu Sha!
Is that really your name? If so, it is the coolest name I have ever heard.
Don't forget - "To whom it may concern" and Yours Siyu
Well, in this case, the letter says Dear Sir or Madam and "sincerely" so I think that is okay...
Born and raised in Beijing, China, I was already fascinated by the rapidly growing skyscrapers by the time I was ___ years old. ----This will improve the clarity... because you wrote the sentence in a way that makes me ask, "By what time?"
My other large interests are...
...which is a Bavarian high school with
high a strong reputation.
First, I want to receive a high-quality degree at one of the leading German Universities within the scope of International Business. Second, the Internationality of your program really appeals to me. ---I think this is good, but I wish you would specify some quality that this school has and other schools do not... a particular professor, a particular program... something unique about this school that appeals to you. Let the reader know that it MATTERS whether you go to this school or a different one.
I like the ending!!