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Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello


love11234 1 / 3  
Oct 27, 2014   #1
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Mooncakes and barriers - COMMON APP PROMPT #1

Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I grew up celebrating the Chinese tradition of eating Mooncakes during the Mid Autumn Festival. Like Nutella, or apples, the dense, delicious, pastries filled with sumptuous lotus paste and a large, savory, egg yolk were a favorite childhood snack for me. In 4th grade, I brought the cakes to homeroom, eager to share some of my culture with my classmates.

When I offered samples around, everyone eyed them with wary curiosity, none daring to eat a piece except for one boy who dramatically snatched a sliver and made a show of putting it in his mouth. I distinctly remember his face puckering, as he spat it out and uttered condescendingly,

"Like, what is this?"

My classmates quickly backed away from the box of cakes that had suddenly become a taboo, despite my futile attempts to defend them. I felt indignant yet vulnerable and exposed, unable to find the right response. I was sure they were good. I knew they were. But one opinion had toppled everyone's interest as the Mooncakes were soon forgotten; the class moved on to the next distraction. Being Asian American, this was only one of many moments in my life where I felt the presence of a seemingly insurmountable cultural barrier between me and my peers.

In the past, I struggled internally to find my place, wanting to fit in and prevent myself from being labeled as "that asian girl." I didn't know how, without completely erasing who I was. Ascertaining that conformity was the most obvious answer to avoiding this stereotype, I tried it out.

Succumbing to superficial standards of sameness, I highlighted my hair and muted my passions to avoid seeming overly bookish. Not truly happy, I faded away, becoming a caricature. When I started playing the cello in 7th grade, I was afraid of what my so-called "friends" would say; sure enough, as soon as they learned of my new hobby, they joked, "You would play the cello."

What was to them a harmless quip, natural in the course of conversation, was more than that to me: What more did I have to do? I had played the part of conformity. I had followed its rules. Yet the cultural barrier, unrelenting, was still there. Though I knew that the cello wouldn't exactly reap me any cool points, making an exception, I played it anyways; my friends had somehow linked my passion back to my race. In my attempts at conformity, it seemed I was only fooling myself.

Encountering similar moments, I determined that sameness was a ludicrous, contrived concept that I wasted time chasing because my race was irrevocably a part of me. I was trying so hard to conceal something that wasn't even a blemish. How was I supposed to gain any substantial respect by participating in this transparent facade?

Asking myself this question, I decidedly stopped trying to climb the barrier. In doing so, I had more energy to concentrate on my other pursuits. For example, I discovered my passion for baking and eventually found friends who shared this passion too; we still bake today, getting together on weekends for an unrestrained, cathartic and most importantly, genuine time. With this new attitude, the cultural disconnect was less stark and in-my-face. Embraced by more open-minded individuals, I saw the positive light of being able to juggle two different cultures. My gradual appreciation of my shared identity has resulted in friends, the ones who count, appreciating it too.

This "barrier," no longer looming, doesn't have to be an obstacle. Instead, I can turn it into an invitation to share another part of me that others at first don't necessarily understand. My best friends now know Chinese swear words and love Dim Sum, things which I've gladly introduced. Ultimately, my identity is what I make of it - I've found the equanimity, and that's what matters, right?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 27, 2014   #2
Chelsea, can you tell us what the common prompt you are trying to answer is? We need to know what question you are trying to respond to in order to properly review the essay. I believe that it has something to do with identity? Without knowing what the actual prompt is, I can offer only an overview of comments about the essay. I can't comment on the adherence to the prompt yet.

This is a very interesting essay that shows how your personality developed from your mixed race surroundings. The problem that I see is that you are using 2 stories to explain one point when you should be able to do it with just one. Instead of two stories, you should only use one story and develop the essay around that. That way you can concentrate on developing the theme and your response in the most applicable manner to the prompt :-) I can offer a more complete commentary and offer specific advice once i know what we are dealing with here :-)
OP love11234 1 / 3  
Oct 27, 2014   #3
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

:)

which one do you think I should concentrate on?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 28, 2014   #4
Chelsea, I believe that you should concentrate on the "You will play the cello" part of the story because it encompasses everything from racial discrimination, stereotyping, wanting to break out of a mold, and discovering who you are. Students who play a musical instrument in grade and high school have enough teasing and prejudices to deal with and by including the racial part of it, you will be able to present a new take on what should have been an old story. You make yourself stand out by telling that story because you had to overcome more than just racial stereotyping and you were able to prove to your peers that you could be more than what society said you should be. As such, the essay carries the true essence of finding yourself in a multiracial world and accepting that it is because of who you are, a unique individual, that you will have to continue to overcome other people's opinions of you, and still be comfortable with whom you know you are :-)
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 29, 2014   #5
Chelsea, this is a much improved version of your previous common app essay. I suggest that you merge the threads so that your post won't get deleted. The essence of this essay about the importance of your identity is clear and befitting the circumstances you found yourself in. However, it tends to become overly long because of the way you are discussing 2 stories in relation to one another instead of concentrating on only one story and developing your essay around that. Why don't you try to just concentrate on the story that you feel is most important so that you can cut down the essay and make it more interesting in the process? Right now, I see 3 stories being told. the mooncake, the cello, and your introduction of dimsum to your friends, alongside the story of your coming to terms with who you are. The complicated story line makes the essay hard to keep track of. Remember, the admissions officer only has a number of minutes to read your essay because he has hundreds more to review that day. So submitting a focused paper that does not ask him or her to process too many stories when he should just be concentrating on your answer to the prompt will help the admissions officer better judge the quality of your answer and consider your potential as a student.
Frangiepanie 1 / 4  
Oct 29, 2014   #6
Being a Chinese myself, i understand the difficulty in bringing the culture up to the other races. I liked the essay, but however I think it's too many stories told in one. Maybe you should focus more on one part for example what had you learn when you decided to stop blending in with the crowd.
lightjade 1 / 15 12  
Oct 29, 2014   #7
Hi there! I read this essay and I could easily relate to your love for mooncakes (white lotus paste for the win!) and internal struggle to conform, which is a plus point. However I feel that the focus on your Chinese roots is lost, and the impression is rather fleeting. It would be great to illustrate your love for your Asian identity, beyond the mooncakes, dimsum and Chinese swear words. It will strengthen your rebellion against the Asian stereotype, and give a richer definition of your background


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