Poetry on Parents and Immigration

Hey EF, I just found this poem lying around (I wrote this about five years ago...!); I reread it and changed some words but I *think* at the time, I was trying to convey my disappointment with my father and at the same time my forgiveness as well as our family coming to United States! It rhymes, which obviously shows your taste in language changes over the years...

Enjoy and critique.

It Was Then That I Learned to Walk

It was then that I learned to walk
with the help of my mother's hand
Without the knowledge to talk,
no gratitude--just screams at the hard sand

And then I learned hatred
And then I learned pain
And then, I learned grief

I grew old, too, into a bitter thorn
and cried whether I had asked to be born

She flew hard and high,
knowing her child's urgent needs
and that the dark evening was nigh.
Then, age took her with her attempted deeds,
but her child flew away into the night,
out of her nest, out of her reach, out of her sight.

And I learned to live
And I learned to believe
And, I learned to trust

One night, the child flew back--forlorn
to the sad bird, to the nest
And found his home a-torn
Then, to the beast he cried--
Have you changed, have you even tried?

And then, I learned to forgive
to forgive and to forgive

To his surprise, the beast cried--misunderstood
and when the tears finally dried, it stood,
shedding its hide; inside, the hidden sacrifices--withered rose
Then, the child sang the melody of grief and years of sorrows

It was then, that I learned about life.

It was quite recent that I learned to walk
with the help of my mother's hand.
Without the knowledge to talk,
The quiet bird let her child sing for her in this foreign land.

Oh, this is a powerful poem, I just read it three times! It seems odd to critique a poem, it feels like telling an artist they should have used some other color. Here are a few places where I thought it could be stronger if it were tweaked ever so slightly;

and cried whether I had asked to be born...what about something more dramatic, like; and cried I never asked to be born

To his surprise, the beast cried...how do you feel about, "to my surprise..."?

I hope you write a lot of poetry, as you're quite good at it.

:)

your style is definitely unique
i liked the poem
some verses i believe it can be improved
but other than that, PERFECT

Thank you! Yes, I love your edits, Susan, and I completely agree, jjinko, it can definitely be improved; now, reading it again, I must've written it while in some foul mood five years ago...strange. Reading things you've written in your past can be really amusing. You should try it, haha.




In the "original" version, there was another stanza that was quite dramatic but it helped wrap up the allusion to Beauty and the Beast (well, it was the only stanza that had most of the allusions) the only allusion remaining now is the withered rose although it's quite out of context, :-P

Again, thanks for the help :)