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"chasing time often" - My first poetry (If this can be called as poetry)



cute8934Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Kalyan Tilak
   
Oct 27, 2010, 01:04pm   #1
With every breath you take,my heart is lit up with impeccable life.
Thought I was born to this endless darkness until you lit up my shore with eternal luminance.
Now I'm a lonely man in this endless night running wild among all the stars above.
I've been chasing time often..For the past to refrain..to conceive my future..



Its3oClockThreads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Bob Smith
   
Oct 28, 2010, 08:23am   #2
I don't know much about poetry, but speaking for the common folk-I enjoyed reading this :)


cute8934Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Kalyan Tilak
   
Oct 28, 2010, 12:47pm   #3
Thanks..I was expecting some suggestions or corrections actually..:)


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Nov 2, 2010, 06:26pm   #4
With every breath you take, my heart is lit up with impeccable life.-----If you use the word impeccable, you have to say something afterward to explain why "impeccable" is the way to describe the life (life energy?).


Thought I was born to this endless darkness until------ And right here... it might need some revision because you were not born "until" anything. But a small change would fix this! Also, you have "poetic license," so you do not even have to fix it.

I really like this line:
Now I'm a lonely man in this endless night running wild .... hahaha, very cool.


MT18Threads: 2
Posts: 9
Author: Mosammat Taher
   
Nov 28, 2010, 01:03pm   #5
It's very good from my perspective...i'm not a poetry expert though

With every breath you take,my heart is lit up with impeccable life.
Thought I was born to this endless darkness until you lit up my shore with eternal luminance.

you use lit up twice and I suggest you changed one of them. I really liked the "lit up my shore..." so maybe the first lit up change to somehting else such as "beats with impeccable life"
but as EF Kevin said you ahev poetic license so you can keep it anyway you like


garima528Threads: 1
Posts: 7
Author: Lucille Reinette
   
Nov 28, 2010, 01:27pm   #6
This paints a really gorgeous picture.

I'm no expert but this beautiful. You should expand on it, go further. I could see this becoming a longer piece of poetry that tells a story.

"thought"sounds a bit strange in the beginning of the second sentence, maybe change it a bit?

I hope I helped....:)


NonSequiturThreads: 3
Posts: 18
Author: ZiXiang Zhang
   
Nov 30, 2010, 09:31pm   #7
Hi there. First of all, thanks for giving poetry a chance! You'll slowly improve with time and practice, so don't forget that.

Going back to your poem, I think that diction and imagery are perhaps the two main problems. Words like "impeccable" tell, but doesn't show, and poetry should be about showing.

In addition, try to avoid descriptive phrases such as "endless darkness" that lack both abstract power and concreteness. It is also rather cliche, so be careful of that.

Remember that poetry is not a summary; instead it should capture a very specific state of mind or event. The more details the better!


xynareThreads: 3
Posts: 9
Author: kaylee thomas
   
Dec 9, 2010, 12:30am   #8
I know that this is poetry, and that most rules of grammar get slug out the window, but ellipses (...) indicate when an author has intentionally left some information out. Here you use them as a pause in the poem, you can get the same effects by using commas, and line breaks. Over all I think you need to focus more on the specifics, what about this person makes you feel this way? why? This is good, but more concrete images will strengthen it.


cute8934Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Kalyan Tilak
   
Dec 12, 2010, 12:40am   #9
Thanks for liking it..
I couldn't find any word to follow the word impeccable..
Is there any way I can delete the word thought..
And about the punctuation and pauses.. I'd defenitly follow if any suggestions..!




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