I'm having difficulty writing this essay and would highly appreciate any feedback (positive and negative)! Thanks in advance :)
Dear roommate,
Here's the plan: you cover the microwave, I got the printer. We can go yard-sale shopping for a mini-fridge later. We won't need a television, we probably wouldn't afford cable. Haha, I'm just kidding, if we get a T.V., you'll be in luck! I'm a huge cinephile and have a couple great movies. Now, I'm not talking Disney, although Disney is gold, but serious classics like Mary and Max, or The Breakfast Club, movies that make you think. That's what I like in a movie--content that makes you gasp, scream, cry, laugh, love, think, be human.
[...]
Your essay gives a sense of your personality, interests, willingness to compromise, and eagerness to learn more about your roommate. It tackles a good majority of topics most roommates would like to know about one another.
To make it better, I would start the essay off with a statement that describes you, something that will hook the reader(or roommate) to feel the mood of your personality.
I hope this helps.. best of luck
This essay oozed personality it did a good job of showing who you are! I agree with the previous comment that adding a hook at the beginning will make the essay so much better
Thank you :) I will try to work on a hook :D
I tried to work on a better hook, and have come to this. If you have the time, please take a look at it and let me know if it works better than the first :) Thanks!
Dear Roommate,
I'm Machy, a 17 year old female who enjoys the beach and terrible puns. Now that formalities are out of the way, here's the plan: you cover the microwave, I got the printer. We can go shopping for a fridge later. We won't need a television, trust me, we won't be able to afford cable haha. But if we get a T.V., you're in luck-I'm a huge cinephile and have great movies. Now, I'm not talking Disney, I mean underrated gold like Mary and Max, movies that make you think. That's what I like in a movie-content that makes you scream, cry, laugh, love, think, be human.
But don't be fooled, for I am not only a cinephile. I also love cats, blogging, and writing. I waste time but I work hard. And don't worry, I will definitely work to keep my side clean and I will completely respect your space. It's actually ironic, I keep my space at school so clean, I've been accused of having OCD. But at home, I'm the opposite. I guess with me, you'll either get the sun or the moon, no stars.
But with me, what will you also get? A Prezi expert, a real feminist, an open Catholic, and a dorm room filled with the scent of Pantene shampoo and multicultural cuisine.
With you, what will I get? Who are you? What do you like? What are you not like? I'd love to know.
Cheers to us,
Machy Joy
Awesome(: this essay was well polished and I think it's definitely ready to submit. You are a perfect example as to how to clearly introduce who you are without actually getting to meet you!
