Hello,
I am new to the EssayForum, so I am not sure if I am supposed to upload my word document, or just paste the text, so bear with me!
That aside, in my application process to the Air Force Academy I have been asked to write an application essay to include in my portfolio to be given to my nomination officer (in my case, my congressman). The guidelines for the essay are as follows: "[Write] [a]n essay stating why you want to attend a service academy [in] 500 words or less". It seemed simple enough, but as I wrote I found it incredibly difficult to stay on topic and maintain cohesive and coherent writing. Someone whom I let proof it mentioned it may be flowery and over-worded. All comments and constructive criticism are welcome. Thank you for your help!
Begin Essay:
My decision to apply to the Air Force Academy has been the result of a gradual sequence of events. Both of my grandfathers were officers in the Navy, and I always admired their service. One of my grandfathers maintained a hobby as a stunt pilot, which intrigued me. Further, I was born and raised in Colorado Springs. As a young child, I remember attending airshows and seeing flybys for the Falcons' football games. I have always had a sense of appreciation, fascination, and pride associated with military and flight. In recent years, I have been able to perpetuate my interest through my involvement with Civil Air Patrol (CAP). CAP has afforded me the opportunity to experience this culture in a more personally engaged way. Beyond this, it has provided a setting in which I have been able to cultivate leadership, time management, and organizational skills. I am particularly interested in engaging in environments where I can develop and leverage these skills; this is both expected and cultivated at the Air Force Academy.
For the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I would flourish at the Air Force Academy. While I have gained much from the opportunities that homeschooling provides - an uncompromising set of values and a genuine love for learning - I am looking forward to more formal structure and accountability, typically associated with traditional approaches to education. I do well in environments that maintain a strong regimen and I am convinced that the Air Force Academy would provide an ideal educational experience and growth opportunity for me. To this end, I have a desire not only for exceptional (first-rate) academics, but also for camaraderie and high standards of character - things I imagine are also present in most military academies. I sense a recurring message from everyone I talk to: the friendships made at the Air Force Academy are lifelong friendships, and that is very important to me. As for character qualities, CAP and homeschooling have helped me set high standards, and I am certain that the Air Force Academy will continue to develop these qualities.
Equally if not more important than what the USAFA can do for me is what I would bring to the Air Force. I would bring a contagious enthusiasm, a pursuit of excellence, and passionate creativity. These are qualities I have demonstrated through my involvement with my tennis team, my job at Penn State, my freelance photography work, my role in Civil Air Patrol, and my volunteer work for Amazon Center for Ecology. I hope to be a positive addition to the culture and climate of the United States Air Force in this same regard. Naturally, I would carry that same spirit through my academic career in Colorado Springs and into my professional career. After graduation, I will work in my chosen profession in a manner that will reflect positively on the Academy, the Air Force, and my country.
I like this essay quite a bit. It does seem a bit flowery, but I don't know if that is wrong.
Perhaps you could elaborate on one of the things you did in one of the examples you give
for having "contagious enthusiasm, a pursuit....creativity."
However, I think this essay is good.
