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"What do I want to be when I grow up?" Early admissions essay for grad program


Ashepard 1 / -  
Mar 28, 2011   #1
This an admissions essay for an Early Admissions program. I will also include a resume-like attachment that will outline my career experience, volunteer and extra curricular activities and observation hours required with optometrists. I guess I look at this as being a letter to pique their interest and hopefully get a preliminary interview. I didn't score as well as I had hoped on the admissions exam but have yet to take some of the classes and the school states that they are understanding of that situation and my grades are very strong. I, like many posting on this site, have been out of school for some time. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated~

"What do I want to be when I grow up?" That was the question that I asked myself several years ago when a unique opportunity to sell my business and do anything that I wanted was presented to me. It was a big decision and I would need to choose wisely. One of biggest advantages that I have over other people/students who ask themselves that same question was that I already knew who I was as a person and what I truly wanted out of life. I had accomplished many of my life goals and fulfilled many of my dreams, and this next step would be influenced greatly by that knowledge.

It was during a chance visit to my optometrist that I asked him a question and that was, 'Will you sit in the chair and let me look at your eyes?' It was only after an hour and a half conversation with him that I realized that I had always wanted to ask that question and had more than a passing curiosity about all that being an optometrist involved. At this point, I was quite sure I had answered my previous question, but a new one rushed to the forefront of my thoughts, "Can I actually do this and did I have what it takes?"

Having already received a bachelor's degree I knew the commitment it would take to even return to the academic world. The student that I am today is a far cry from the student I was many years ago and fresh out of high school. I enjoy the challenge and hard work that has gotten me this far and certainly can see that if I had anywhere near the focus, dedication and out and out tenacity then that I do now...well, I may well have ruled the world by now! While I am not boastfully proud of my previous performance, I am proud of the fact that it helped to make me who I am today. This laser like focus is what has carried me through many of the turbulent times and moved me forward when doing anything else would have been the easy and sometimes sane choice. While my first foray into college arena was not a stellar performance, the knowledge was not lost on me. Shortly after graduating, I started a small business with $200.00. I grew that initial investment into several businesses and real estate investments that are very successful and have built and sold several other successful businesses along the way. During this time my businesses afforded me great flexibility to raise my family. Only when both of my daughters had graduated from high school and moved into lives of their own could I truly consider taking on this new challenge. My commitment to this path has been tested and it certainly would have been easier to do something a little less challenging, but I am very interested and committed to this field of study. I have taken classes while still working full-time and still being involved in extracurricular activities. I have done this for some time now and have all the while known that this hectic pace would be my life for the next several years and would only get more demanding once accepted into the program. And yet, I love it. It is with this intense focus and dedication that I have been able to achieve high academic grades.

Several times there have been roadblocks that have threatened to derail my mission, but each one has only motivated me to go up, around, over, under or through whatever obstacle was placed in my path. As anyone who knows me will tell you, when I set my mind to something, I make things happen. When I felt I might be sidetracked by a situation in my Introductory Physics class, I moved and enrolled 200 miles away into a program where I felt I would be able to learn the information that I needed. I am currently enrolled at XXXXXXX in the second half of that physics sequence and have an A- in the class and plan to retake the first semester of the sequence again next fall. In addition to physics II, I am also taking chemistry II and bio-chemistry at XXXX. this semester and receiving an A- in each of those. Having just registered for the fall semester, I am looking forward to taking organic chemistry along with anatomy & physiology next year. In addition to fulfilling all prerequisites, I am excited to be strengthening my foundation for the challenges that lay ahead.

When I initially started researching being an optometrist, I knew that my first and only choice was going to be XXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX of Optometry. In addition to the fact that I could commute, your program comes highly recommended from past and present students alike. I have visited the campus several times to tour and ask questions. I have not had an opportunity yet to tour the new facilities in person, but you can be assured that they are a strong draw for many students. Although I am excited about the possibility of learning in such an updated environment, it is not what attracted me to your program. It is your smaller class sizes, strong academic program and your commitment to your student's success that has dominated my decision.

While not directly related to the field of optometry, my past experiences make me a unique candidate for your program. I posses many of the skills and traits that make for a successful optometrist and all things that we would each like to have in our own personal optometrists. My past business experience is a deep well to draw from both while in the program and after graduation. Much of the experience that I have attained is invaluable when it comes to managing employees, marketing, finances and most importantly patient care. These skills combined with my academic preparation, both now and yet to come, are what make successful Doctors of Optometry. My strong belief in community involvement through volunteering has been a cornerstone of my life, not just something that looks good on a resume. I have been able to build many programs that are still strong and thriving today and have had the opportunity to have a positive influence on many lives. Some of my most rewarding experiences have come while coaching, mentoring and being a positive role model to young girls.

My journey to this point has been like most things in my life, a very non-traditional and interesting path. But not all of my quest for a place in your program has been marked by proud achievements. When I registered to take my first run at the O.A.T., I had no way of knowing that three months later when my test was scheduled that my husband would be having a medical crisis and, combined with my struggle with my physics class, would leave me unprepared and unable to reschedule- all of which I would be more than happy to discuss further in person. As a true testament to my philosophy that I can always find the positive in any situation I decided that if nothing else, it would help relieve my anxiousness over what the test might entail and better prepare me for the next time. With a chance for redemption during my second attempt, I feel that I scored better in the subjects that I have completed the course work on. The biology portion was heavy on the anatomy and physiology questions, which I have not had yet, and I also have yet to take organic chemistry. With inorganic chemistry being a subject that I must continually work at, it is one that is going to challenge me, but I have overcome far greater challenges and am confident that when I take it again, I will achieve a higher score.

With time to still be able to complete my remaining prerequisites and build on that foundation, I hope that you will see that I am a desirable candidate for the 2012 fall semester and feel that you would like to meet with me in person. As I stated earlier, I have the drive and tenacity of a bulldog...A XXXXXXX XXXXX University Bulldog.
Negra23 1 / 3  
Mar 30, 2011   #2
I like your essay. I think it presents a clear idea how your decision came about and who you are.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 31, 2011   #3
"What do I want to be when I grow up?" I asked myself that question several years ago, when I found a unique opportunity to sell my business and do anything that I wanted. was presented to me. It was a big decision and I would need to choose wisely. One of biggest advantages that I have over other people/students who ask themselves that same question was that I already knew who I was as a person and what I truly wanted out of life: ____________ (What is it?)

Above, I revise for active rather than passive voice, and I killed a sentence that I think was superfluous.

Hey, you have a great style! I suggest REFINING it by going through again and taking out as much as you can. Cut half the players from the team so only the best remain.

My journey to this point has been like most things in my life, a very non-traditional and interesting path. ----You have some sentences that are structured in a way that make them really nice... simple and clear with unique personality...

Okay, put this essay aside, and make a list of the best ideas to share with the reader in order to motivate the reader to take the action you want her to take. Then, read the essay again and make a list of the ideas you actually included. Focus on the most important ideas, and cut as much as possible. You have a style that uses a lot of words; readers will love it if you can keep the elegant style and rhythm, but make it less breezy. Google this: do not affect a breezy manner strunk, white

Remember that the best way to inspire the reader is to show that you have a great plan with a lot of details and short term goals.


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