I would love if someone could proof read my essay and give me advice and grammar and spelling corrections. Thanks!
Directions: write a 1400 - to 1500 - word essay that examines, and reflects on, the plight of children in Sub-Saharan Africa, particularly children who have been orphaned due to AIDS. In your essay, you must consider the ways in which you, and other young people like you, can improve the lives of children in Sub-Saharan Africa
My essay: (the format is incorrect, i know that)
Truth be told, I am one ne of them. I am just as guilty as they are. I am just as uninformed as millions of people who do not realize what is happening right in front of them. I know almost nothing about HIV and AIDS wreaking havoc in sub-Saharan African families and how different my life is from millions of children who run around the dirt streets, orphaned, because of this deadly disease. Yet, even though I am still in the preliminary stages of researching about this problem and I do not know what really goes on in that part of the world, I still feel like I have a connection with all those lost children, and I want to help them. According to avert.org, "since the beginning of the epidemic, 14.8 million children have lost one or both parents to HIV/AIDS" that number is astounding and should knock even the least understanding person off their two feet. That rising high number can be reduced, if action is taken by individuals like you and me. Three areas that need to be helped immediately are education, health care, and adaption agencies.
Further education needs to be provided not only for the children affected in this area but also for students around the world. This will allow more people to become aware of the situation and what it entails and then give them the knowledge in order to come up with a solution. Almost half of the school population in Africa, nearly 48 million, has never even set foot in a classroom, according to a USAToday article published in 2007. Every one of these children is not getting the instruction and tools that they will need later in life. This includes how to deal with and help prevent HIV from occurring. The solution for this does not have to be something in the future, it can happen now. The following three steps can be taken by people of all ages that wish to help one or more of these African kids. First, if one is in the financial position they can help by financing a child's education. There are many organizations that would be thrilled to receive your money then use it to send a child to school. Aid for Africa is a great organization that is reliable. You can reach them by going to their website aidforafrica.org. Second, if one is not in the position to give a full scholarship to a child you can help by donating money that will be used to purchase school supplies that these children so deeply are in need of. Finally, if donating money is not a possibility at the moment the best thing you can do is pray. Pray, for the children and parents of those children, that they may find good health and support to help them through their endless journey.
The trauma that these orphaned girls and boys go through is tremendous, because of this the emotional and physical health of these children are diminished with every passing day. Juliane Petersen, the manager of a children's home in Africa says that "We see a lot of children with a diminished health status and weakened immune system. Apart from the emotional trauma, many orphans suffer from post-natal syndromes caused by alcohol or drug abuse and also HIV." Medical care is one of the biggest priorities right now throughout Africa. The solution for this problem is a little more complex, but is not unreachable. Cities in Africa need health workers and people that will volunteer their time to help aid those in need. These people can be community, but also can be people that might live half way around the world. In one way we are all Africa's community, even if where we live is thousands of miles from it. If more people are able to help put their time in the medical sector then there will be less of a strain on the local shelters and hospitals. This will allow them to have a lower doctor to patient ratio and therefore make it easier for the doctors to spend more time working with a patient.
Emotional trauma from losing a parent is hard for everyone, but it is especially hard for children who do not fully understand the situation. They probably are just wondering when is my mom or dad going to come home and how come I have not had anything to eat in two days? Sometimes physical health is not the problem, it is emotional health. Another way that people can help is by providing comfort to these children. Every child needs a parent figure in their life. I could not personally imagine a life without my parents, but I know for some children my nightmare is their reality. I want those children to have a role model to look up to. A great way to give security to young kids like these mentioned is by making cards to give to an organization that can deliver those cards to the children. This act of kindness will surely brighten up their day and give them greater hope.
We need to help show these youthful children that someone loves them. We need to show them that even though they may be facing one of the hardest and most controversial times in their life that there are people who care about them. One way that this love can be expressed is through adaption. Many of these orphaned children are living on the street, while millions of people are cozy and warm inside their two-thousand square ft. house. There are children more fortunate than these homeless children, these children are in foster homes. But, even the kids that have foster parents do not get to live life to the fullest like you and I do. This problem can be changed and must be changed. "When you look into the eyes of a hungry African child, if you have any heart, you will not walk away and forget." These words were spoken by Cheryl Carter-Shotts, The Americans for African Adaption founder and manager. This statement could not have been said any better. One way that a person can help orphaned children in Africa is by donating to the Americans for African Adaption Foundation. Any amount of money will help tremendously and has the ability to change a child's life forever. An even greater way to make an impact would to sign up to start the adaption process and take in a child of your own. More information about adapting a child from Africa can be found at africanadaptions.
Every day a child in Africa is given up by their parents or left to fend for themselves because of a recent parent death due to AIDS. What is one of these children were yours? We have the responsibility and duty to help others who cannot help themselves. There are three easy ways that anyone can get involved and help change a life. By helping out whether it being financially or physically with education, health care, or adaption in Africa, this problem can be fixed and children's lives can be saved. Help be the change you want to see in the world.
Here are a few things that stand out to me:
I know almost nothing about HIV and AIDS wreaking havoc in sub-Saharan African families and how different my life is from millions of children who run around the dirt streets, orphaned, because of this deadly disease. Yet, even though I am still in the preliminary stages of researching about this problem and I do not know what really goes on in that part of the world, I still feel like I have a connection with all those lost children, and I want to help them.
These two sentences are very long and wordy, you could divide them up into a few shorter, simplified, sentences.
This includes how to deal withapproach the issue and help prevent HIV from occurring.
First, if one is in the financial position they can help by financing a child's education.
This sounds odd, I would re-word this sentence.
Second, if one is not in the position to give a full scholarship to a child,youthey can help by donating money that will be used to purchase school supplies that these children so deeply are in need of .
You are writing in a very "wordy" way...try to simplify because it makes your essay easier to read. Of course, you may need to add more content if your shorten it. You have lots of great content already, so I am sure you will be fine. Just a suggestion :)
