Migrating to the U.S. was not just a stamp or signature on a piece of paper; it meant breaking up my family and leaving my weeping grandmother behind to gamble for opportunities in a mysterious place.
I come from the small town of Khan-Khana in Punjab, India. My village was characterized by harmonious simplicity: a few people coming or going, oxcarts creaking, and birds singing in the wheat fields. My father spent his days working as a farmer and my mother stayed home to tend to the children. Indian society has a very rigid class structure, making it virtually impossible for someone from a poor family to hope for a better future. Therefore my parents decided to move to the U.S.
In September, 2007 my uncle's petitions opened a gate to the West. We flew over Ellis Island into California, "the land of milk and honey," as my mother called it. We were fetched by our uncle at the San Francisco airport and heartily welcomed to his house in Pittsburg, California.
My uncle's house had three bedrooms, with six people living there already. The addition of five more meant the house was flooded. We were given the garage to live in. Though things went smoothly for several months, the overcrowding led to friction between the families. My aunt began to lock the groceries and started to taunt my mother and sisters for being a burden on her family. We sometimes ate food that was almost two days old. My parents felt entangled in problems with no solution. They had no jobs, no savings, and no English language skills. And after eight harsh months, we were given seven days to evacuate the house.
Unable to even rent an apartment, we left to live on the streets. Eventually we were given shelter by the local Hindu temple in Pittsburg, until my father learned to drive a car and found a job as a security guard. My father, a respected man who found living in a temple rather demeaning and humiliating, wanted to move into his own residence. Now that he had a job this became possible, and after a month and a half we moved into an apartment.
The transition was not very easy, however. We had put ourselves into the risky situation of living on $1500 a month, my father's total monthly income. Meanwhile my mother, after being promised a job at a local Subway by an unscrupulous manager, was denied this opportunity after over 200 hours of free labor. I still remember my mother coming home exhausted, sitting on the carpet and weeping. The stress of our situation prompted my father to become alcoholic and vulnerable to many disastrous diseases, such as high blood pressure, and diabetes. Many times, I was frightened by his talks about suicide.
Aside from these horrendous domestic problems, pursuing an education too seemed impossible. My first day of school was a blur of indecipherable syllables and hopelessness. I did not speak English, I had no friends, and I knew nothing of American culture. The teacher's words flew towards me like bullets from a machine gun. Being placed in the most basic ESL classes, I was disheartened because I knew they weren't going to lead me to college. Nevertheless, recognizing that education was the ONLY way to bring my family out of this miserable poverty, I studied diligently to overcome my weaknesses to make myself able to compete.
Desiring to improve my English and Math skills and to rise above I made many courageous decisions such as to take as many Honors and AP classes as my school offered. Overcoming the daily loud music problems outside my apartment, and the disadvantage of not even having a table to do my homework on, I studied every night on the floor by a lamplight.
Eventually, all my hard work paid off. In about a year I became fluent in English and was able to fit into mainstream classes. I had dramatically improved my conversational skills and had begun to excel at math, even earning an award in this subject. Apart from school work I developed a special interest in computer technology, which I was completely illiterate about. In a matter of several months I went from not even knowing how to save a PowerPoint presentation to starting up my own computer repair company to help support my family and to pay for educational expenses. From the day I established my computer company, I have helped many teachers and even college professors with technological problems. This technology passion has not only been a source of financial support for my family, but also a driving force behind my decision to pursue a career in computer science.
Currently, I'm excelling in four AP classes and have achieved the rank of salutatorian for our class of 2012. Now I feel ready for new challenges with a spirit of determined optimism. I've been through my fair share of struggles, but I know that if I put my mind to it I will fulfill my dreams; and I will accomplish my goals.
I just feel that this essay is divided into too many short paragraphs. I think that you should have longer paragraphs with more support for each idea.
It's an interesting story. It would help greatly to know the question that you are answering.
I'm not sure I would cast the family that you lived with in such a negative light. Nor does it help to report on the Subway manager who took advantage of your mother.
I am not sure if you will understand this, but your uncle sheltered you for months and it is ungrateful to his family to write disparagingly about them. Even if it is true, it does not cast you in a good light. Nor does complaining about the Subway manager. Again, even if true, it makes you seem smaller than you are.
No one has an easy time of coming thousands of miles to a new country with no money and no proficiency in the language.
I would cut almost of the details in the early part of the essay. Pick up the story when you are living in a temple and your father learns to drive a car and gets work as a security guard. Don't call him too proud to live in a temple. It's negative. Instead, praise him for taking a step to provide for your family. Don't mention his alcoholism. He was bold enough to come halfway around the world so you could have a better life . Give the man some love.
The end of the essay is wonderful. Starting with "My first day of school was indecipherable..." It's positive. It makes me feel good about you and about America. It makes me want to help you succeed and it makes me see you as capable, not a complainer. Focus on that part. It's good stuff for a scholarship committee to hear.
You really write beautifully, even though your English is obviously not that of a native. I don't know you or your family, but that's my gut reaction to the essay.
@ EricJ. This was the prompt:
"Please submit a typed statement of at least 500 words, but no longer than 850 words. Describe yourself to the Selection Committee, reflect on the challenges you have faced, how you responded to them and risen above the hardships. Indicate why you want to attend college. You may also include any accomplishments and activities (school or otherwise) you are involved in."
Thanks. Good luck with it. I still think you are better off to emphasize the material at the close of the current essay and not some of the earlier negative experiences. Just my two cents. I hope you get the scholarship.
Thanks. I also feel the same way about the negative parts of the essay, but Its a little too late to change all of that. Plus, I wasn't trying to be ungrateful about my uncle's family (maybe my essay sounded that way), but was just trying to mention the hardships that I encountered in my life and my response to them.
Hi Kumar,
Agreed. I'm sure that's not the way that you wanted to appear. Maybe other people will read it differently, but that's how it came off to me. Maybe you can clean up the phrasing or omit the part where you are critical of your uncle's wife. If it's already turned in, no worries.
Anyway, good luck.
Eric
I think the essay sounds good beside of all the negative parts. You have really gone through all the hardships and now you deserve the scholarship. Wish you good luck now and ever!
it meant breaking up my family and leaving my weeping grandmother behind to gamble for opportunities in a mysterious place.
Very good writing here...
In about a year I became fluent in English and was able to fit into mainstream classes. I had dramatically improved my conversational skills had begun to excel at math, even earning an award in this subject.
Excellent. I think you'll do very well! We are lucky to have you here at EssayForum. Please share what you have learned about the English language, and help these other kids. Your style of writing is uniquely effective.
Hello there. I read your Sop and must say that your way of expressing through words is stupendous. Would you mind helping me to prepare a Sop. Actually I am resident of India and want to pursue my higher studies abroad. I am applying for a scholarship and there I need to demonstrate that my work will help achieve the development objectives of my home country.
Task: Candidates are asked to provide a statement explaining how the proposed study will benefit their home country, and how the skills and qualifications obtained will be applied on their return. References to any existing national shortages or needs would be particularly welcome. (500 words maximum).
Thank you everyone for taking a glance at my essay. Your positive comments have really inspired me to do better.
And by the way, I'm still a junior in high school, and only 15 years old.
