This is the essay for notre dame supp: "difference from your peers and how it shape your contribution to notre dame"
Here for any advice!
Thx every one.
Surrounded by four generations of Muslims, our headman spoke: "you are forbidden from eating pork, using lard and..." I noticed that my mother blushed a little. There are kids like me who may or may not comprehend the headman's warning, while the elders looked dead serious about the pork issue. Though reluctant to go to our tribe meetings without much understanding of Chinese Muslim teachings, I am always there because I benefited from being a Muslim: I would never exist now without my minority identity according to a now outdated family planning policy that rescued me from being aborted.
My classmates didn't know that I was a Muslim. Occasionally, friends discussed ethnicity concerns, but my response to any negative comments about Muslim was the vehement assertion that I was a Han. There's no tension between us.
But things changed this summer, after the riots between Chinese Muslims and Han in Xinjiang area broke out. My classmates' accusation against Muslim's violence tendency became more and more prevalent as the condition in Xinjiang evolved into a more fierce state. I felt a need to speak up. I told them that they should look at both sides of a coin. Some students got word that I am a Muslim and they began to attack me. There was no personal threat, but the misunderstanding still made me sad. For the first time, I could no longer dodge the question of my ethnic identity. I recalled the words of our headman. I rarely focused at the tribe meetings before, but now I had to relate to my classmates who we were, where we came from and what we believed in. It prompted me to listen to my own inner voice, and reflect on my own identity. I felt guilty for my avoidance of the ethnic issue all along. Even now, my motive of educating my friends about Chinese Muslim was merely to defend my own reputation, but there should be more to it.
I start to realize the first step towards racial harmony is to be at peace with one's own race. In the past, I hid the sensitive fact that I am a Muslim from my friends, but such assimilation is at the cost of my own identity -- it was not the real harmony. If my mother and myself forgo our belief and culture to fit in with the mainstream, we did a disservice to our very existence. It would be sad if one day, the only thing that could imply our Arabic ancestry were the color of our eyes, but such visual signs can be easily overlooked. Our ethnic identity should not be skin deep. It is rooted in thousands of years of history and tradition. In retrospect, when I couldn't bring myself to face who I am, my so-called harmony with my classmates was such an opportunist behavior. I chose whom I wanted to identify with at my own convenience. My birth was the result of successful opportunism on the part of my parents. I don't want to continue playing this game.
Last month there was a soccer match between our school team and a team representing Muslim minorities. I don't play soccer, but I organized a seminar that encouraged dialogue between the Muslims and Han. I found that my double identity greatly facilitated my work, and many students concurred with what I said about racial harmony.
I want to continue such efforts and make a positive impact within the Notre Dame community, a place where beliefs are so strong, and yet so inclusive. I want to share my perspectives along with my unique identity at Notre Dame. I want to materialize the dream my ancestors has long aspired that I, and my peers will integrate into the mainstream society wherever we settle ourselves in. Now my understanding is we do so not by "disappearing" into that mainstream society, but we do so by adding diversity to it, without ever abandoning our traditions.
Many conflicts between ethnic groups originated from lack of communication and sometimes, ignorance. Many get biased information from the media. I want to stand up as a real person telling her true experiences. I will not be afraid of being in the public eye at Notre Dame, because if I don't stand out to represent my identity and demonstrate our beliefs, bad guys will; and when they do, the image they project will further worsen the stereotyped misunderstandings.
A very good essay content-wise. The grammar and style need polishing, though. Some of your phrasing makes it difficult to figure out your precise meaning. For instance:
I would never exist now without my minority identity according to a now outdated family planning policy that rescued me from being aborted.
If you owe your existence to a particular family planning policy, why do you say it is outdated?
Some students got word that I am a Muslim and they began to attack me. There was no personal threat,
Do you mean that they began to attack you verbally, but you did not feel physically threatened?
Even now, my motive of educating my friends about Chinese Muslim was merely to defend my own reputation, but there should be more to it.
"Even now" implies present tense, but "was" is past tense. Besides, isn't the point of your essay that you have moved beyond this narrow view of the matter?
EF_Sean
wow thx very very much!!
ok. for the first one, i call it "NOW outdated" because it functioned at the time i was born. but now, it's outdated.
do you think i should make it more clear?
and the second problem. yes, i do mean the physical threat. So maybe i should replace personal with physical?
and the third. I got your point. I want to mean that at that time when i defend my reputation. So i will just eliminate "even now". what do you think?
Again, Thanks very much!!
Hope that you will give more advice!!
because it functioned at the time i was born. but now, it's outdated.
But you need to explain why you think this, given how valuable you think it was in securing your own existence.
So maybe i should replace personal with physical?
That would help clear up the confusion, yes.
So i will just eliminate "even now". what do you think?
Try also adding some sort of time marker to the second part of your sentence. So, "but I began to realize there should be more to it" or something like that.
The content, as I said before, is good. The language could use a bit of polishing. The phrases I quoted originally were just meant to give you an idea of the sorts of things you should fix as you go through the rest of the essay.
