MY CONCERNS ABOUT THE ESSAY: Although I think this essay reflects me, I don't know if I managed to tell things about me that the admissions officers actually would want to know. For example, I said that I'm extremely talkative, but that statement was also about how I like to discuss a lot of different issues, but I'm not sure if that came across. I really would appreciate some help about how to improve. Thanks XD
PROMPT: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.
Hey Roomie,
I don't want to scare you away, but I feel compelled to warn you. I am a broken record that never stops talking, so if you require a moment of peace, be sure to bring some reliable headphones. Don't worry the headphones will definitely be a wise investment (I love to sing, too). However, if you ever care to listen, you'll realize that behind my incessant chatter, lies my desire to discuss and hear what you think about Obama's Nobel prize win or Beyonce's new single. My desk always has a bottle of Purell. I'm obsessed with cleanliness, yet somehow can't figure out how to get rid of the papers scattered in a mess about my room. I may seem indecisive at times, but it's only because I can see the pros and cons to every decision. I despise getting wet in the rain, but love listening to the harsh pitter patter as I'm working late into the night. I cannot understand a word of Korean, but I'm addicted to Korean dramas. My mother thinks it's a waste of my time, but this summer I managed to surprise a native Korean with my breadth of cultural knowledge. My outlook may often seem too pessimistic or dry, but a sliver of hope and romance still thrives inside of me, especially when it comes to Bollywood. I consciously realize that Bollywood is highly unrealistic and silly, yet I hope that someday a scene in my life will play out just like a Bollywood movie with the whole singing, dancing, and corniness. Hopefully, you won't have to deal with my quirks too much because I'll keep myself busy with classes and clubs. We'll have a great time as roommates and we'll definitely get along just fine as long as you don't point out my big nose.
I was also considering just scrapping this essay and writing another one. Is that a better idea? Thanks again.
I don't know if I managed to tell things about me that the admissions officers actually would want to know.
That's the problem, right there. This would be an excellent letter to your prospective roommate if it were in fact a letter to your prospective roommate. Of course, it isn't -- it's a letter to the admission officers. So, the letter has to put you in as positive a light as possible. This doesn't do that. Even potentially positive points (you're sociable and never at a loss for words!) are phrased negatively (broken record, won't stop talking). Some of the random details you include are okay -- they give a good sense of who you are, simply by your decision to include them, and they don't say anything bad about you -- but you should try and unify most of this essay, like any application essay, around one or two key positive traits that you want the admissions officers to know that you possess.
The words are too strong. If seems that you never think for others.
Thanks for the feedback. I get what you mean. I've tried to make it more positive, but I've still kept some of the negativity. I don't think it's as obvious. Let me know if it's still too negative. Also, I'm still having a difficult time unifying my ideas. Here's my revision:
Hey Roomie,
I don't want to scare you away, but I feel compelled to warn you. I am a broken record that never stops talking, so if you require a moment of peace, be sure to bring some reliable headphones. Don't worry the headphones will definitely be a wise investment (I love to sing, too). However, if you ever care to listen, you'll realize that behind my incessant chatter, lies my desire to discuss and hear what you think about Obama's Nobel prize win or Beyonce's new single. My desk always has a bottle of Purell. I'm obsessed with cleanliness, yet somehow can't figure out how to get rid of the papers scattered in a mess about my room. I may seem indecisive at times, but it's only because I can see the pros and cons to every decision. I despise getting wet in the rain, but love listening to the harsh pitter patter as I'm working late into the night. I cannot understand a word of Korean, but I'm addicted to Korean dramas. My mother thinks it's a waste of my time, but this summer I managed to surprise a native Korean with my breadth of cultural knowledge. My outlook may often seem too pessimistic or dry, but a sliver of hope and romance still thrives inside of me, especially when it comes to Bollywood. I consciously realize that Bollywood is highly unrealistic and silly, yet I hope that someday a scene in my life will play out just like a Bollywood movie with the whole singing, dancing, and corniness. Hopefully, you won't have to deal with my quirks too much because I'll keep myself busy with classes and clubs. We'll have a great time as roommates and we'll definitely get along just fine as long as you don't point out my big nose.
I was also considering just scrapping this essay and writing another one. Is that a better idea? Thanks again.
I thought this letter was too much of listing of what you like and how you are. well, that is what you are supposed to do, but it would be nicer if the reader doesn't get the feeling of "List." however, I really liked how you talked about your personal appearance and the small details like your cold hands. But, maybe a little bit more about the personality and academic stuff, too. Since the readers are not ordinary roommate, but the ADMISSION OFFICIALS...hahaha
overall, Nice :D
Awesome! You let your personality shine through very well. I like the fact that you used a metaphor, but "broken record" is cliche. Say something different... something else that never stops making a sound. A broken record is repetitive, but you are fascinating.
I hope this is not read by one of the people who don't like Obama... probably they will, though. Most people do.
You know, you could improve this a lot if you revise to make it more about your intended major. After all that is a good thing to talk about. And it will make the reader know that you are serious and driven, which is most important.
Also most important, ha ha, is to use paragraphs!! Show them that you are driven by talking about your clear vision for the future, but show them your ability to write well by using three separate paragraphs.
