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'My grandmother, cousins, and I' - VTECH essay


ariana123 1 / -  
Jan 12, 2012   #1
I need to shorten it a lot!!

My grandmother, cousins, and I had spread ourselves out under the ceiling fan, talking to distract us from the heat. In the kitchen, my aunt busied herself with cooking. The sweet scent permeated the hot air, the aroma bordering on piquant. My aunt came in to talk to my grandmother.

"Boys are faster learners, aren't they?" insisted my grandmother, her face emitted innocence and sincerity.
I was unsettled by how off-handedly my grandmother said this to me. The blatant tone hit me like sand in the wind; but, I felt a rush of pity at how easily she was able to degrade herself as well as her grandchild and not even realize it.

A faint grunt escaped from my lips, more from the shock than as an act of approval. The steam from my aunts cooking escaped from the kitchen and mixed with the foggy memories that drifted before my eyes.

"That's not a woman's task, stay out it."
I remember my dad saying this to my mom as he kicked her out of the house in her oversized shirt and pants. I stood there crying. I remember the rejection, the disapproval, the disregard.

Later in the day, my grandmother and her sister-in-law were talking, my grandmother added, "I wish I could have been educated."
I felt like bursting into tears as my grandmother said this. It reminded me that I needed to stay empowered to reach my goals and that I needed to focus on my education and keep up my motivation.

It was at the beginning of high school that I really began voicing my beliefs at home. At first shaky, my voice began to get louder and smoother. My passion towards my beliefs and the vigor and wit that I used to defend them made my father begin to appreciate my fortitude and intellect.

It may have been my strong mother. It may have been my strong god mother. It may have been learning about powerful women and women's rights at school. Altogether, this allowed me to become more outspoken and straightforward, but also tolerant and open-minded.

I continually remind myself to stay true to who I am and to work to my full potential. When I read the words of George Bernard Shaw I realized that "life is not about finding yourself, but rather creating yourself."
saurabh93 11 / 94  
Jan 12, 2012   #2
"Boys are faster learners, aren't they?" insisted my grandmother, her face emitting innocence and sincerity.
Otherwise it's nice.
mkpack 1 / 3  
Jan 13, 2012   #3
Great beginning, beautiful opening.
The flow seems a bit choppy though, and I'm having trouble following the end.

"I felt like bursting into tears as my grandmother said this. It reminded me that I needed to stay empowered to reach my goals and that I needed to focus on my education and keep up my motivation." <--- awkward sentence. It sounds stilted and unlike the voice of the first few sentences.

Additionally, I feel that the your ending switches tones from the beginning. It's going from a moment in time to several years. A smoother transition might make this flow better.

Plus, I'm sorry but ending with that quote...it's cliche. I'm sure you could find a more real ending, like maybe something your grandmother said?

I would greatly appreciate it if you would take a look at mine:


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