Statement 1:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Although I am majoring in business, I also have an ambition of being an athlete. Many people I know told me that I excel in cycling despite that I never have the chance to participate in any races. The reason for this is because cycling is not a popular sport in Indonesia and because of that I never get the chance to prove myself that I have the ability to compete in cycling races. The lack of popularity in the sport means that there are only a few local bike clubs that I can join and most of them are for recreational. Regardless of the situation, I always keep an optimistic mind that one day I will have the chance to race.
And that time seems to get closer as I start my freshman year in a community college in Seattle. While the community college does not have a cycling club, I have the chance to join the local's bike club and started training. Being in the bike club, I have the opportunity to learn much more about competitive cycling. As I started to develop my skills in cycling, I too learned how to work as a team. One thing that I learn riding as a team is that it requires me to push myself to the limit even if I am worn out and during race, it means that letting myself down is the same as letting the whole team down. Knowing that cycling requires a lot of commitments, I am even more dedicated to the sport.
As I am transferring to a 4-year university in Fall, I definitely see myself joining the university cycling club and with my presence in University of Wisconsin, I look forward to enriching the cycling community on the campus.
Statement 2:
Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
Before I started my college life, my only academic goal was to get good grades. During high school, I always got bad grades like C in almost all of my subjects and the best I ever got was an A once in Mathematics. So when I first came to college, my only expectation was to score better than C. But I exceeded my expectation and average 3.33 GPA in my first quarter. I was thrilled. That was one of the best academic performance I ever had. From that moment I was determined to do better and that was what I did. During the next several quarters, I saw a gradual improvement in my average GPA and before I knew it, my name is on the Dean's list. Not only that, I also received a letter, from the SAC congratulating me on my academic achievement as a distinguished student. I was exuberated as I read the letter again and again and I simply could not believe what I have achieved. I started as a C student and the next one and a half year I was a different person. In the past I would be more than happy to score 3.0 but now 3.0 was not a score that I would be proud of.
Shortly after I received the letter from the SAC, I also received another letter from Phi Theta Kappa, an international honor society for colleges, congratulating me on my academic achievement and asking me to become one of their members. Unfortunately I did not join their membership due to the requirement for staying during the summer which I wasn't prepared for. Even though I did not join the Phi Theta Kappa, I was proud enough to receive two letters congratulating my academic achievement and from that moment on I planned not only to score better but also be able to get in to my favorite and one of the top universities in the world which is University of Wisconsin-Madison and hopefully by then I have grades good enough to earn a scholarship.
Is this good enough??Please help me check for any errors and please give me some advice too. Thanks for taking the time to read!!
your first essays definitely demonstrated a passion, but i think you should cut back on the word "cycling" because it is used a lot. you should also expand on other ways ull enrich uwm.
the second essay answers the question well also, but you should also make sure not to put yourself down too much or brag
answer mine? its about the uwm statement as well =D
Statement 1:
"Many people I know had told me that I excel in cycling despite never having the chance to participate in any races."
" The reason for this is because Cycling is not a popular sport in Indonesia, and because of that, I never got the chance to prove to myself that I have the ability to compete in cycling races."
"The lack of popularity in the sport means that there are only a few local bike clubs that I can join and most of them are for recreational purposes ."
"And That day seemed to get closer as I started my freshman year in a community college in Seattle. WhileAlthough the community college did not have a cycling club, I got the chance to join a local's bike club and started training."
"One thing that I learnt through riding as a team is that I have to push myself to the limit even if I am worn out, especially during a race; it means that letting myself down is the same as letting the whole team down."
"Knowing that cycling requires a lot of commitments , I am even more dedicated to the sport."
Statement 2:
"During high school, I always got bad grades like C in almost all of my subjects and ; the best I ever got was an A once in Mathematics."
"ButHowever, I exceeded my expectation and achieved an average 3.33 GPA in my first quarter.
"During the next several quarters, I saw a gradual improvement in my average GPA and before I knew it, my name was on the Dean's list"
"In the past, I would have been more than happy to score 3.0; now, 3.0 is not a score that I would be proud of.
"Even though I did not join the Phi Theta Kappa, I was proud enough to receive two letters congratulating my academic achievement and from that moment on I planned not only to score better but also be able to get in to my favorite and one of the top universities in the world which is University of Wisconsin-Madison and hopefully by then I have grades good enough to earn a scholarship." I think separating this sentence would give it a better structure:
"Even though I did not join the Phi Theta Kappa, I was proud enough to receive two letters congratulating my academic achievement. and From that moment on, I planned not only to score better but also tobe able to get in to my favorite and one of the top universities in the world: University of Wisconsin-Madison. and hopefully by then I have grades good enough to earn a scholarship. "
I think you answered both of the questions well. The second statement does sometimes sound like you're bragging, but it does show your personal growth. Maybe you should tone it down a bit. Hope my feedback helps. Comment on my essay too, please:)
