I am not quite sure if my essay fits the essay question. I also do not know how to conclude my essay. Any help is appreciated :)
Heres the prompt and my essay:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Sleeping in laundromats, walking the streets at night, and waiting for 12 o'clock am for 7 Eleven to give away their donuts was what my life consisted of. There was always the fear of getting kidnapped, or brutally abused at night. I lived in a city of poverty surrounded by drug abusers, thieves, and gangs. Not only did I have to worry about crossing the wrong boundary lines, I had to take care of my younger brother. My mother was incarcerated multiple times a month, and my father was living his life being the "King" of Langley Park, which was known for the high rates of cocaine. I knew I did not want to end up like either of my parents, so I had to get out of that lifestyle just not for my brother but for myself.
The biggest concern I had was social services, I did not want to get separated from my brother. Unfortunately that did occur, at age 11 I was placed in the foster care system. I was given a home, with food, a bed, and a restroom. From that day forward I knew my life was going to change.
For the duration of my time in Foster Care I moved five times. I abhorred moving because I would build a relationship only to wind up moving and leaving it behind. That made it very difficult for me to trust anyone. School and sports were the only things I could trust; they were my getaway, and they kept me positive. I loved doing school work and playing sports, and I excelled in both and this brought me confidence. I achieved honor roll every quarter and was a star athlete. Acquiring good grades and playing sports become a part of me, and they helped me escape from the negative.
I received a call on August 1, 2008 that would change my life forever. A family wanted to adopt me, they lived in Minnesota so that required me to move. It was a very big decision because I did not want to leave my brother but I knew it was necessary if I wanted to make something out of my life. The family was tough on discipline and that was something I was not used to. I was a very self-sufficient person. It was an entirely new environment, but I was very good at adapting to change.
Moving in with this family taught me how to balance school work and become responsible. They had very high expectations for me but I always loved exceeding them. With all the hardships I have had to overcome I have been shaped into a responsible, studious, strong young woman. I am convinced that my perseverance to succeed will take me somewhere high. I view my background and experiences as a foundation for the life and success that awaits me.
Angela Potter
...and my father was living his life being the "King" of Langley Park, which was known for the high rates of cocaine.---(trafficking?)
I knew I did not want to end up like either of my parents, so I had to get out of that lifestyle, not just for my brother but for myself.
The biggest concern I had was social services, as I did not want to get separated from my brother.
Unfortunately that did occur, and at age 11 I was placed in the foster care system.
Acquiring good grades and playing sports became a part of me, and they helped me to escape from the negative.
A family wanted to adopt me. Th ey lived in Minnesota so that required me to move. ---I changed this to two sentences.---
They had very high expectations of me but I always loved exceeding them.
Wow! What a sad and interesting essay! Thank you for giving me a change of pace from the boring essays I read all day! I wish you good luck, and your brother, too. Good luck with school and have fun!
:)
Thank you ! I will make all the corrections ! Do you think it answers the essay prompt completely ?
Hi Potter;
Your essay is really a good essay, nice work, and it is easy to follow.
I think it would be better if you conclude your essay by one of these ways like prediction, suggestion, quotation.
You may add some sentences as suggestion for everybody who has the same experience like you or you can predict your future through this new life.
Goodluck
Bahareh
thank you !
I am still very unsure about my conclusion because i dont feel as though im answering the last part of the prompt. I tweaked it a little bit :
Moving in with this family taught me how to balance school work and become responsible. They had very high expectations of me but I always loved exceeding them. With all the hardships I have had to overcome I have been shaped into a responsible, studious, strong young woman. From these hardships I've learned that there is no challenge I cant conquer. I hope to bring these qualities to the University of Florida campus. I am convinced that my perseverance to succeed will take me somewhere high. I view my background and experiences as a foundation for the life and success that awaits me.
