Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2


"My Motivation; nothing truly goes as planned or how people want it" - UC Davis


Chunkymoo 1 / -  
Apr 13, 2011   #1
I was offered a space on the waitlist at Davis, and they requested a brief 200-word statement telling them why I would like to attend UC Davis.

I have read advice on previous threads, and I came up with this so far (@ 213 words):

Throughout life, I have learned that nothing truly goes as planned or how people want it to; and I respect that. With this knowledge, I have come to appreciate the opportunities that I have received thus far. Several months ago, I underwent a tragedy: I had a miscarriage. Everything in life happens for a reason, and this heartbreak motivates me further towards my goal: becoming a fully fledged obstetrician who sincerely cares about her patients and does not want to see other women experience this pain. My aspiration is not to just help others, but also to help myself.

With a renowned medical center - that includes an obstetrics and gynecology department - only seventeen miles away from the campus, there are bound to be exceptional volunteering opportunities. UCD is close to home, yet provides a focused environment - being as one would need to drive at least twenty minutes to reach a large metropolitan area. The college-town of UC Davis is personal and unique - especially in the extremely eco-friendly transportation method. I can genuinely imagine myself there. I have always striven to do well in all aspects, but I was without purpose and passion. Now that I have both, I believe that UC Davis is the next step towards my destination.

~~~ The last two sentences were originally the last two sentences in my first paragraph, but I couldn't think of a better way to end my essay. ):

Any advice and criticisms are greatly appreciated! Thank you! (:
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 15, 2011   #2
The best thing to do is trim away all the excess and leave only the powerful stuff:
Throughout life, I have learned that Nothing truly goes as planned or how people want it to; and I respect that I accept that truth. With that knowledge, I have come to appreciate the opportunities that I have received thus far. ------See? I like to just trim away asmany words as possible while leaving the meaning.

That leaves more of the reader's attention available to understand your story and the lesson it contains. Nice job! This is my favorite sentence: I can genuinely imagine myself there.

I have always striven to do well in all aspects Can you be more specific?.... but I was without purpose and passion.

:-)


Home / Undergraduate / "My Motivation; nothing truly goes as planned or how people want it" - UC Davis
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳