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"unusual to see a soldier contribute to his nation" Commonapp essay to Ivys


Leonard 1 / 5  
Apr 7, 2011   #1
I'm an international student from Singapore, hoping to study Economics at US ivy league schools.
Am still trying to think of a title for this essay [topic of your choice].

When I was young, I knew this little boy. He was an enthusiastic and lively boy, fueled with an unparalled intellectual curiosity and a burning vigour to chase after his dreams. Every morning, he would go to his primary school, carrying with him the childlike eagerness to learn about anything under the sun. He had a strong passion for Mathematics and actively participated in junior Mathematics Olympiads. However, I remembered him most for his bag of erasers and the air of confidence that he always exuded. He won countless erasers from eraser flipping competitions and sold those erasers to earn an extra allowance. He branded some erasers and created a market for them in his primary school. It was simply unusual to see a little boy do such an apparently grown-up act.

When I embarked to secondary school, I knew this teenage boy. He was outgoing and willing to help others in need. I remembered how he volunteered in numerous community projects. He, being a part of the school's community services club, will tutor primary school students weekly. He loved helping others, whether or not they needed that extra hand. However, I remembered him most for his grand F&B ideas. I remembered how he brewed desserts at his father's restaurants. I remembered how he helped his father promote his F&B outlet by designing brochures and websites. I remembered how he helped his father do a news review on the innovative Satay Crab recipe that he helped think up. I remember him telling me how he wanted to embark on the F&B industry in the future. It was simply unusual to see a teenage boy so inspired to follow his father's footsteps.

When I landed in junior college, I knew this young man. He was vocal and willing to air his views at the numerous model UN conferences that he participated in. He loved to make friends and enjoyed interacting with people from across the globe in those conferences. He was also highly passionate about his school activities. He entered the house committee and was actively engaged in planning fun-filled events for the entire school. He will put his heart into devising cheers to hype up his house. However, I remembered him most for his fascination with business ideas. I remembered how he once told me he would offer funeral services for pets. I remembered how he mentioned the construction of vending machines that dispensed umbrellas. I remembered how he wanted to open a cafe that combines Thai and Japanese cuisine. It was simply unusual to see a young man so passionate about entrepreneurship.

When I entered the army, I knew this soldier. He had an undying fighting spirit and was willing to push his body beyond its limits. Although he got injured in the process, he never gave up. He treated national service seriously and demonstrated a strong sense of national pride. He performed to the best of his ability in specialist school despite his injury. However, I remembered him most for his willingness to think up innovations that can help his country. He was an organised individual, able to handle multiple tasks at any one time. Despite his heavy army commitments, he got together with a group of friends to develop a crowd sourcing website for the country. He set it up on an Ideascale platform, and allowed the public to post, comment and vote on Singapore-related ideas. It was the first in Singapore, and he wanted to provide the government a source of public feedback. He wanted the government to utilise a consultative approach towards policy making. It was simply unusual to see a soldier contribute to his nation in such a unique way other than serving his time in an army camp.

Perhaps you might have guessed who I was talking about throughout this essay. Yes, I was that little boy, that teenage boy, that young man and that soldier. I believe in constant self-reflection and learnt to look at myself and how I behaved at each juncture of my life. I am effectively the sum of my experiences. When I enter university, I want to know this student. He will be one with a passion for business and a devotion to his country. He will be one who is committed to learning and growing from the university experience and at the same time contribute to the university through his capabilities.
hafsa abid 4 / 40  
Apr 7, 2011   #2
hello leonard,

first i want to know that for what purpose are you thinking for a title...well its tricky enough...did you write it yourself...its got MORE THAN HUNDRED TITLES....isn't it?
OP Leonard 1 / 5  
Apr 7, 2011   #3
hi hafsa,

i wrote this essay based on my own life experience. and i could not allocate a title to it. :/ titles give essays clarity.

i don't quite understand what you mean by the last part of your statement. can you clarify? thanks.
hafsa abid 4 / 40  
Apr 7, 2011   #4
sorry....actually thats my problem that i cant convey what i want to say....i meant that allocating a title to it is quite difficult as more than one aspects are discussed of the life of boy...thats it...and what do you mean about your own life experience....did you really know someone like that...you see it partly seems unrealistic kind of character...
OP Leonard 1 / 5  
Apr 7, 2011   #5
hmm i understand your point now.

it basically highlights how i behaved at different phases of my life.

perhaps the essay's not focused enough; i think i should only stress on my strongest point/character throughout?

thanks for the advice btw!
hafsa abid 4 / 40  
Apr 7, 2011   #6
yeah...maybe thats the problem..
zdmw911 9 / 32  
Apr 7, 2011   #7
I think this essay is very strong! It is obvious by the second paragraph that the people you describe are simply you. Still, this is a very unique approach and it is well-written.

Can you have a look at my letter below? Thanks!
hafsa abid 4 / 40  
Apr 7, 2011   #8
can you help me with my essay...aspects of teenage life
OP Leonard 1 / 5  
Apr 7, 2011   #9
Thanks so much zdmw, I made some minor edits again.
By the way, what title do you suggest I can give this essay?
zdmw911 9 / 32  
Apr 7, 2011   #10
I'll leave the title for you to decide! Just try to make in an interesting title that gives the reader the essence of your essay. A title isn't even necessary for the common app, though.
Real Fog 5 / 26  
Apr 8, 2011   #11
-"An Understanding yourself without looking at the mirror."
-"Look back to the past if you want to consider your future way."
-"Being impressed by the past, one will determine the way he will pass."

Actually, i am not good at fixing titles, though. Just some ideas that came after reading your CA.
OP Leonard 1 / 5  
Apr 8, 2011   #12
Hmm.. thanks for the suggestions. I'll consider them! :D
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 9, 2011   #13
Hello Friends, this is such an interesting threat. I assume the inspiration in the thread comes from the great essay. I like this approach you took, even though it is full of self-aggrandizement. This kind of essay is always full of self-aggrandizement as you try to present yourself in a positive way. But it is gracious to give credit to some concept instead of keeping all the credit... for example, something or someone might have inspired you to be so committed and passionate. What is it that caused you to be so motivated? Give credit to that concept or person who motivated you.

As for the title... think about what concept you want to share with the reader and make the reader remember... I wonder if there is ONE WORD that perfectly expresses that concept. What is the word? Maybe it is a word that will make the reader think for a long time.

You are very creative!
OP Leonard 1 / 5  
Apr 10, 2011   #14
Hi kevin,

Thanks a lot for the comment!

I'm also searching for that one word. Perhaps I'll be able to find it out after I reflect on the source of my inspiration and motivation.


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