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"Helping others may be the greatest gift" law school personal statement


jmm5367 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2010   #1
Here is my personal statement for law school. It's general and isn't specific to any one school. With the holidays and a little time of leave from the Army I threw it together quick. I plan on sending it to an editing service, but thought I would post it on here first. Any responses are greatly appreciated. I would like to have all my applications sent out before the new year, being that is when I ship back.

Helping Others May Be The Greatest Gift

Raised as the oldest of two children, by a young single mother, an accelerated growth in maturity was mandated by means of my family's rugged economical situation. Being so, a decision making process developed through sheer determination to surpass the social class which traps-in and prevents a great many from succeeding in life, that I grew up in, coupled with a reinforced personality of integrity and selfless service, has sculpted the individual I am today: a first generation college graduate, distinguished with multiple honors, serving his country as a member of the Army National Guard, whom harbors a great drive to succeed and help others.

A feeling of necessity to place others needs' before my own is one which has set-in at a very young age. The first instance of such, which I can recall, would be that of my sixth birthday, January 30, 1994. Walking into my living room, I caught a glimpse from the corner of my eye of a box dressed in wrapping paper; attached was a card addressed to me. Without a single moment of hesitation I cut around the corner of the coffee table and sprung to the sofa. Grasping the box, with complete disregard for the card, I began tearing apart the thin layer of paper which separated myself from my reward for turning a year older. There it was, the very present I had so vigorously badgered my mother for weeks to buy -a Sega Genesis- and the very present which she ensured she couldn't afford. Without questioning her means of being able to purchase the counsel, I plugged the connection wires to the television, then faced the hardest decision of the day- which of several games I should play first. Words cannot describe the overwhelming joy brought to me by defeating each level thrown at me by Sonic the Hedgehog during the evening hours. It was official, I was the happiest young boy alive!

Several days following my birthday, I overheard a phone conversation held by my mother. She was discussing the fact that falling a few-hundred dollars shy on the bills that month was inevitable. Although she did not provide a reason as to why she was short on funds, I knew it was because of my birthday present. As a single mother making minimum wage at Burger King, there were quite a few sacrifices she had made in order to purchase my gift. Assuming the role as the man of the house, I immediately knew what course of action needed to be taken. Upon my mother ending the phone conversation, I approached her and insisted that the gift I so badly wished to receive, be returned for a refund in order to pay the bills that were creeping up. I was met with expected resistance. However, with stern persistence she finally agreed to honor my request. Without playing Sonic or any other game one last time, I packed the game counsel in the box exactly how it came and then handed it to my mother.

Giving back the very present I so badly wanted wasn't an easy feat. After all, this was the game system that every six year old boy raved about at school, and I had it, in my living room, at my disposal. Regardless, I felt it was my duty to place the needs of others (my mother and sister) above my own desires. Every time I do something which benefits others more than myself, I go back to the day that I handed my birthday present back to my mother and acknowledge the valuable lesson I learned. Sacrifices one makes in order to help others, regardless of their magnitude, may very well be the greatest gift of all.

I believe attorneys and other legal professionals hold, within their grasp, an extraordinary capability to utilize their knowledge, and oftentimes powerful positions, in a positive manner to help those in need of assistance. Not only would I be a highly dedicated and driven law school student, upon graduation and passage of the bar exam, I would serve as nothing less than a cherished asset to the legal community.
Benn_Myers 8 / 46  
Dec 26, 2010   #2
I should preface this by saying that I'm applying to undergraduate programs right now, and as such don't know that much about graduate school application, but here's my feedback:

This is a good essay. Although I would change your first sentence, it jumps out more then anything else in the essay as unnecessarily wordy. It doesn't sound natural and feels like its been twisted and tweaked to sound more intellectual, I would rewrite it more conversationally. While this academic writing can be useful in showing off vocabulary or intelligence, it shouldn't be your first sentence and should be kept to a minimum throughout the essay.

The other thing I noticed was that your essay becomes better as you read. It seems like you picked up steam and became more comfortable with the prompt. Things read easier and more pleasantly and your statements pack more emotional punch. I might go back and rewrite your first few paragraphs now that you know exactly what you're writing about and seem more comfortable with the question and prompt, but that's no guarantee to better results.

Best of luck
kisna22 2 / 9  
Dec 26, 2010   #3
your syntax is a bit awk in the first paragraph but other than its a good essay


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