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"The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay


TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 24, 2010   #1
I'd appreciate some help on this one. I'm really not afraid of criticism, because I need these essays to be stellar to make up for some other areas of my application. So please, don't be shy, fire away at it. Overall, I just want to know if the essay is engaging/entertaining enough, so you don't need to worry yourself about my spelling or grammar (although that may be appreciated as well.)

The topic is "Why is Stanford right for you?" (>250 words)

They take the field every football game, yet never touch the ball. They are always there cheering for the team, yet there's no at seeing any amazing stunts. I am talking of course about the Leland Stanford Junior... University Marching Band. Everyone knows about how great Stanford is for Computer Science, how great the weather is and how their campus is so beautiful, but the marching band sets Stanford apart from any other university I have found. Indeed, my reason for wanting to attend Stanford may seem a little unorthodox, but the LSJUMB was the last incentive I needed to begin my application.

I march percussion in high school, and I love being in band. However, participating in a college band usually mandates ridiculous rehearsal schedules that make it impossible for anyone not majoring in music. Stanford, however, has a different philosophy; that anyone can be a musician whenever they are able to. I did a little bit of research, reading the website and some stories on wikipedia, and I was both impressed and slightly jealous of how much freedom the LSJUMB enjoys. The band I march with is corps style, and I appreciate a well-put together field show, but I have always wished that we could be more entertaining to a regular crowd who doesn't really care about articulation or perfectly straight lines. After seeing how unique and truly special the marching band is, I decided that Stanford was truly right for me.

Thanks for reading!
trentp 2 / 8  
Nov 24, 2010   #2
You may want to rewrite your second sentence, the part where it says "yet there's no at seeing any amazing stunts".

The band I march with is corps style, and I appreciate a well-put together field show, but I have always wished that weit could be more entertaining to a regular crowd who doesn't really care about articulation or perfectly straight lines.

"We" might make sense considering it's a band, but since you've established yourself apart from it in the first part you are addressing the band only, and not both. For that, "it" would make more sense.

Apart from that, there is definite focus and the response goes in a clear direction. You demonstrate knowledge of the school, and the comparison to other school's marching band philosophies is key to making your point. It's a very good answer to the prompt.
OP TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 25, 2010   #3
Thank you very much. You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Now for the other 4...
Benn_Myers 8 / 46  
Nov 25, 2010   #4
This is a good short answer. It covers all your bases and it covers them well. My only problem is with this, "I am talking of course about the Leland Stanford Junior... University Marching Band." I don't like it, not even a little bit and I would cut the ellipses out. After that, its a wonderful essay.

Best of luck good sir.
OP TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 25, 2010   #5
I understand where you are coming from on that, but it's kind of an inside joke with the band. Whenever they are being announced, it's tradition to pause right after the "Junior"
Benn_Myers 8 / 46  
Nov 25, 2010   #6
Alright, its ultimately a stylistic choice, but your reader might not know or understand this either (although it is much more likely he will then me.) It comes down to your call, but I don't think you lose much from cutting it (even knowing now it just doesn't transfer very well to written form) and I find it detracts from your essay.

But that being said, sometimes you just write something you really want to keep, and if that's the case then stick to your guns, it's not a big deal anyway.
OP TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 25, 2010   #7
I'll run it by my English Teacher and see what she says. I thought it might show that I did a little research, but I understand your point also. Thanks again for taking the time to read it though.
freezard7734 17 / 209  
Nov 25, 2010   #8
"Everyone knows about how great Stanford is for Computer Science, how great the weather is and how their campus is so beautiful, but the marching band sets Stanford apart from any other university I have found."

I would have some reservation about putting "everyone," because everyone may not know. :) You could say that Stanford is famous for XYZ, but saying that everyone knows might be a little pretentious both for you and Stanford. Just to be safe :)

Otherwise, nice voice! It is definitely entertaining and engaging!
OP TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Nov 25, 2010   #9
Thank you for your time! I think I agree. I'll rewrite this one to include some of the other changes mentioned.
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 31, 2010   #10
So the question I geti would change to "so the question I am always asked about attending Stanford isn't always "why do you wish to go," but rather "why even try?"

I seek to show the peers who question my sanity about applying to Stanford that success isn't measured by the easy things you doaccomplish in life, no matter how

minor edits, good job overall! i think it answers the prompt well :) please look at my nd one
salemu101 2 / 2  
Dec 31, 2010   #11
i think this is so much better than your first attempt and i know about the word limit but maybe you could add a little more about the computer science program and marching band? It seems like you pulled those two facts and just added it to the essay. But I think the message of the essay is brilliant and i love the conclusion! Great job!
OP TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 31, 2010   #12
I did do a slight re-write of this one. I'll attach it if you want to see. It's five words over the limit, but the real limit is 1800 characters, I think the 250 word limit is more of a suggestion.
raybird9 3 / 5  
Dec 31, 2010   #13
Your essay has improved greatly since the first draft you posted.
With a little more fine tuning, your essay is ready to be submitted!
Good Work!
peachyreese 2 / 9  
Dec 31, 2010   #14
and especially for its one-of-a-kind marching band that draws me in like a moth to a porch light

Your essay is great! I really like your conclusion and what Stanford means to you. Read my ND supplement essays? Thanks!


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