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"Being immersed in a different culture" - Essay for Admission to UF


Salib 1 / 1  
May 26, 2010   #1
Hey, The prompt is as follows: "In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school. "

Thanks for your help! =) P.S Please ignore the lack of indentions, the actual essay will have them.


Many kids have to move from state to state, school to school, or even just to a new neighborhood, but few have the disconcerting experience of moving from a different Country. Personally, I was born in New Brunswick, Fredericton on the East coast of Canada, and moved to Florida when I was about six. Thankfully, I came from an English speaking Country, with a relatively similar culture, however the shock of being plunged into "The South" gave me a new appreciation of both my own culture, and the diversities offered by my new home.

"You don't know what 'grits' are?!", This is one of the earliest impressions of America, I was being accosted by an incredulous first-grader about my ignorance of Southern cooking. This may seem trivial, but it has been moments like this that open my eyes to the small, but stark differences between Canadian and southern American culture. As I progress through elementary school, I continually find other nuances of American culture that change the way I view the world. For example, I didn't know how to play football, and this was a travesty in America. Moving to a different country, even one as similar as America, opened my eyes to how culture is shaped as much by the little things cherished by its people, as by the language they speak, or the clothes they wear.

Throughout the years my family and I continued to recognize, and poke gentle fun at, the discrepancies between northern and southern culture and I came to realize that, a culture is not defined by its flag, or even the food it eats, but by the attitudes of the people. One of the biggest differences I noticed growing up playing sports in America was the competitive drive the American people possess. While this is often healthy competition, I have seen time and time again, an overzealous Father ruin a son's sporting experience. This was dissimilar to the more laidback feel one gets in sleepy Fredericton and has helped me to form a balance between competitiveness, and cutthroat self-promotion.

The initial shock, and then gradual acceptance, and refusal, of certain aspects of American culture, has developed my worldviews, especially pertaining to the social qualities of a Nation. After experiencing what it is like to be an outsider in a culture, I have developed a very accepting attitude towards peoples of varied culture. Rather surprisingly, this attitude was only amplified after the backlash Arabic culture felt from the American people after the attacks on September 11th . Watching people being labeled and ridiculed for no valid reason except that less than two percent of their population are extremists, angered me, and showed me that when people are hurt and confused they have to find someone to blame.

Being immersed in a different culture has taught me to accept others, and caused me to become even more intensely proud of my own heritage. If I didn't fly 2800 miles to a new home, I may have never learned to appreciate my own home, and may have never learned how to accept others in spite of their cultural differences. Now, wherever I go, whether to the University of Florida, or abroad, I know I will bring an accepting attitude, and an open mind to anyone, even if they don't know what 'grits' are.
OP Salib 1 / 1  
May 26, 2010   #2
Actually, It should be Fredericton, New Brunswick, and im working on removing useless words to make it more concise, such as " Personally, I" I removed Personally. Anyway, Thanks for any help you have to offer.
jade 2 / 7  
May 26, 2010   #3
This essay is well done. Word choice is generally precise, and the grammatical errors are few. So I'll just focus on the content of this article. It seems to me that you did not quite center around the question of "how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community".

An accepting attitude to different cultures is surely a good point, but it might be a little bit too general. My suggestion is that you go deeper into the subject, elaborate in details like, say, when it comes to yr communication with others in the student union, the fraternities or various activities in the campus. Moreover, you might just as well mention that how yr tolerance and gentleness could help both yourself and others.

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 27, 2010   #4
Many kids have to move from state to state, school to school, or even just to a new neighborhood, but few have the disconcerting experience of moving from a different Country. ---- this is not as strong as it could be. Can you give a first sentence that hints at the main idea, the theme of the whole essay>

Personally I was born in --- don't include extra words, unnecessary words. Make every word serve a purpose.

"You don't know what 'grits' are?!"--- hahaha, i grew up in Massachusetts, and I did not know what Grits were until I moved to the Midwest, how funny... not a very good breakfast food.

For example, I didn't know how to play football, and this was a travesty in America.--- good sentence!
Hey, your ending is cool. I like the grits theme. But you must make it mean a little more. What does it represent?Does it represent people's preconceived ideas that come from their cultural experiences? I think your essay is all about figuring out what is the SAME about human nature every where you go and what is DIFFERENT from one place to another. I see that you endure a tough transition and that you are ready to help other people to cope with such transitions. So... what does this have to do with your chosen field of study?

This essay has a lot of potential. You can help the reader to gain more insight about the importance of keeping an open mind, and what that actually means.

:-)


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