Hi everyone. This is my draft for this essay and I havn't polish my words. I need to know if my story is okay for this essay topic. Thank you for your opinion!
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Prompt:
Please describe a situation where you needed to collaborate or closely communicate with someone whose life perspective or cultural background was very different from your own. Please reflect on the challenges you faced, the strengths you brought to the situation, and areas for improvement. Please include what you learned about yourself and what you would do differently next time. (500 word limit)
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I joined the New Oriental Education last month by chance one of my supervisors Mr.X is also a senior student. His life perspective is very different from my own and I did face some challenges.
New Oriental is a company whose staffs are known to be as busy as those in the Big Four accounting firms. Not only do we spend all day and sometimes all night for training, but we also write thousand-word reflections every day and prepare for our own classes. I kept a hobby of self-learning every day before, no matter by taking online classes, reading a book or attending a lecture. But now I can hardly squeeze my time for it. In my opinion, studying is the investment of myself and I really enjoy studying. I would never think of sacrificing my university education for irrelevant jobs. Although the salary at New Oriental is very high, I only see it as my temporary job. On the contrary, My supervisor Mr.X, he skipped all his classes since sophomore year and is going to graduate with a very low GPA. When I asked him how did he pass the exams without attending classes and why would he choose to leave his major behind and do something totally irrelevant. He did not answer my question directly and said "attending university is for finding a good job, now I have 6 times the average salary a graduate is going get, why would I give it up?"I could not agree with him at all about the reason of attending a university. Consequently, when I tried to ask for a leave for my university's class, he was always displeased and would allocate heavier missions for me. However, despite my disagreement with Mr.X , I know as a teacher, I need to be responsible for my students. So I turned to some older staffs for help with the preparation for my lessons and the reflections I wrote have been praised many times. I still ask for leaves to attend my classes, but I completed the missions at New Oriental quicker by with the guide of the older staffs.
I did learn to be result-oriented when solving problems there and this was certainly very helpful. When we prepare for lessons and communicate with the kids' parents, we just need to think what they want to get here and base our solution on their expectation. Similarly, I know what Mr.X wants from me is to teach well and help attract more students. Next time, rather than bringing up our different life goals and arguing that university's education is important， I will try to talk to him more about what we have in common and ask him for advices about preparing lessons. By admitting the differences between us, I will seek our same pursuit and improve myself as much as possible.
Shiyun, this is a good start for your essay. the foundation of the strong theme is there and reflects the prompt requirements in a positive manner. However, there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done before it can be deemed anywhere near perfection. There are a number of points that you should pay attention to, regardless of the word count for now.
Start by dealing with your opening paragraph. You only have 2 lines in that paragraph and it does not really set up the introduction very well. Try to give an overview of the functions of the company that you joined, what your job was when you joined, and clarify who Mr. X is and why you felt a need to connect with this person.
Your second paragraph is too long and concentrates too much on describing the work situation at the firm instead of setting up a clear point of contention between you and Mr. X. Try to develop the idea of how the tension developed between the two of you in a quicker and more interesting manner. Keep in mind that the conflict between the two of you and how you resolved it is the central point of the essay.
The way that you depicted how you overcame the conflict is not really that strong since you sought the help of other people to accomplish your tasks and find better solutions to your time conflict situation. What you should be doing is presenting your desire to resolve the conflict with Mr. X in a manner that involved only the two of you. In the process, you will be able to better represent the "what you learned about yourself and what you would do differently next time" portion of the essay. At this moment, it is not represented in the essay.
Overall, the essay is not yet that strong. However, with our guidance, your patience, and a number of rewrites, I believe you will be able to perfect the essay.
Shiyun, I'd like to share my thoughts for your essay.
- I joined the New Oriental Education last month by chance, ( don't forget you punctuation marks ) one of my supervisors
- I kept a hobby of self-learningstudy every day before,
- Oriental quicker by with the guide of the older staffs.
- I did learn to be results -oriented when
- ByA dmitting the differences between us,
- I will seek ourthe same pursuit and improve myself as much as possible.
Shiyun, there you have it, a few remarks on your essay, I hope it helped enhance your essay, I believe
you have to work with your word choice and sentence construction.
