Here is my PS to law school. I already have an LLM degree from Tulane but wanna get a JD. It would be really helpful if you could answer my following questions since I am a complete stranger to you :). Criticism is highly appreciated!
1. What kind of person I am?
2. What are my virtues and imperfections?
3. Do you think I am too depressed to be admitted to law school?
4. Does my PS leave a strong impression on you?
5. Would you think that I am special and capable enough to be added to the prospective student pool?
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When I was a child, the most things that I heard about from adults is that I am shy and obedient. Being the oldest child in my family, I was always told by my traditional Chinese parents that I should act like a big sister and never fight back my little brother even though he is wrong. As a result, I put myself under a default setting that I should do more, sacrifice more, and undertake more. I was a very sensitive child who can easily detect subtle differences of human emotion and mood. This makes me a smarter kid but at the same time also makes me the most vulnerable kid to get hurt. I feel the unfairness when being hit by my little brother and unable to fight back. I also feel the sadness when my mom and dad are bias between my brother and me. With all this kind of experience accumulated deep down in my heart and rooted in my memory, I came to one conclusion under a 6-year old child's mentality: I am not worth being treated equaled or being loved and it's normal that I was the one being ignored.
Things changed when I was at the elementary school. I was still the shy and obedient kid who dare not start a conversation with classmates or raise my hand in the class until I met my Chinese teacher, Mr. Xue, in the 4th grade. He paid extra attention to me, encouraged me, and saw my potential. This was the first time that I felt myself special and worthy of attention and acceptance. I changed tremendously. I started to raise my hand in the class, to speak out my opinions, to run for positions in the student body and etc. I was the TV host for the school's TV station and was later elected as the president. I was also the cheerleader for the school's dancing club. I ranked No.1 for 3 consecutive years in all subjects at the school and in the entrance exam to my middle school I ranked No.1 among over 300 students from different schools in the city. At that moment, I felt like I can do anything.
However, life is full of irony. I entered into depression when I was in middle school because of bullying. My middle school is a private school where there are quite a portion of spoiled kids who do not study at all and focusing on messing around. I was afraid to go back to the dormitory every night because I didn't know what was waiting for me. I have suffered verbal and physical abuse that have hugely changed my perspective towards the world. I wish Mr. Xue was there with me who would empower me by trusting in me and I wish my parents could listen to me and transfer me to another school. I was hopeless, helpless and extremely vulnerable at that time. Regardless of all the painful mental disorders that I had gone through, I tried my best to focused on my study and still managed to be one of the top 3 students at my school.
My depression is with me for a long time since then. It has impacted my academic ability, social skills, and I tend to have a pessimistic view of the world. I feel like I am going back to that little girl who was being rejected and ignored. I let my life drift myself to anywhere and I just don't care anymore. However, still, I strongly believe that I would definitely be that confident and happy girl again if someone who acknowledge my abilities and gives me encouragement. I just need one person who sees my potential and I could definitely get back on myself again.
Life changed for me once again. This time is because of the United State of America, the land of freedom.
As a girl raised up in a traditional Chinese family, I was expected to follow the social norms in society: study well, get an easy job in the government considering women's major responsibility of taking care of the family, find a husband and get married before turning 24. My father being a traditional Chinese raised up in the post-cultural revolution period, he is very manipulative over every aspect of my life. I don't have a dream. Whenever I watched "American Idols" seeing contestants talk about their dreams, I was confused and casted doubt on myself: "What is my dream? Why I don't have a dream?" I am supposed to be the target of jealousy among my classmates in college because I am from a wealthy family. However, I am unhappy, no matter how much I possessed. My path has already been paved out by my parents. It looks decent but I was not even excited about it and moreover I felt desperate. I realized that happiness does not lie in money or superiority, Instead, it lies in one's eye and soul who choose to see the good from bad and who choose to stay positive instead of negative. And dream, is one's guardian angel, guiding one to a better world. I was offered a decent job in the government after I graduated. I turned it down regardless of my father's fierce rejection. That was the first time I went against my father. Putting aside a settled life, I came to the U.S., which is -- my dream.
I have never thought about that my mindset and mentality would change so dramatically. I spent a lot of time being alone, going to the library alone, eating alone, studying alone, just like most Americans. Inevitably, when you spend more time with yourself, you communicate more frequently with yourself; you start to hear the whispers and murmuring from your heart; you also begin to listen to the minor complaints and unwillingness from your mind. In addition, because U.S. is a hodgepodge of cultures, races, personalities, sexual orientations and values, it's okay to be different. When I am allowed to be different under the "don't judge" value system, I feel the embrace of freedom. It brings me close to my heart and soul and what' s more, it brings me closer to the nature of life. I guess, that's the magic of this land of freedom.
I tend to think independently and critically. I tried to find answers and solutions for the problems that have been hindering me. I have an inherent insatiable curiosity about everything in life and a passion for learning and overcoming my insecurities in every little tiny experience since I was a child. I wanted to be more aggressive and self-assertive so I took the kick-boxing class for half a year. In order to overcome my shyness, I pushed myself out to do the improvised comedy class. Being the only foreigner in the class who tried to be funny in an American way, I eventually got on the stage in a couple clubs with my classmates at the end of the class. I wanted to overcome my fear of writing in a second language, I volunteered to write advocacy letters and bill drafting during my internship at the State House, rejecting the newsletter production project which requires less language skills. In the end, the advocacy letters written by me are the least revised letters among other native interns and one of bills that I helped draft passed. Because of this experience, I realized that what it matters is not the proficiency of English, it's one's mind. I never shy away from insecurities, because whenever I stay in my comfort zone, I feel stuck and stagnant. Although this process is painful and scary, I choose to embrace it. I have always known that I am an intelligent and capable person and I can achieve anything that I set a determined mind towards. However, there is still a little part of me saying, "If someone like Mr. Xue who sees my potential and value myself, I would be even better." There is still a little part of me waiting for that person to show up because I believe that I would achieve so much more if I get someone else's acknowledgement and love.
But that person has yet to show up until now and I finally realized that person would probably never show up. I finally figured out that the real problem inside me is self-worthiness. That's why my world collapsed when the person who trusted me is gone. I only rely on other's acceptance and acknowledgement as the standard to judge my self-value. If there is anything that's hindering me from becoming whom I want to be, then it would be me, who don't love myself, who don't appreciate myself, and who don't believe in myself. I am the biggest enemy of my future success.
And later, eventually, I found my passion.
I worked at ........ for two years as the Special Project Coordinator. I was in charge of a couple programs, such as .......Business Clinic, Mulan Society Mentoring Program, Youth Council as well as Immigration Clinic. Two years experience in the public sector has shaped my into whom I am and I realized what I desire the most in life. I initiated the .......... Business Clinic in partnership with the City of Boston and Ropes&Gray to provide free business and legal advice to underprivileged people. Through this project, I came to realize that there is such a big demand coming from the underrepresented groups for legal and business guidance. Because of lack of designated resources and ineffective communication of existing resources, immigrants and other under representative groups are facing multiple obstacles in establishing their own businesses, one of them being the culture and language barriers. Through my conversation with them, I learnt about that immigrants come to the U.S. with an American Dreams and it's nothing related to washing dishes in Chinese restaurants, working in Dunkin Donuts or standing longer hours as a waitress. They truly believe that that they deserve just as much as any other Americans regardless of their backgrounds and social status. They want their voice to be heard and their rights to be protected. They don't want to be anyone's servants with a firmly belief that they deserve equality and attention. I feel empowered by the business owners-to-be. I share the same desire with them - yearning for equality and justice. I also feel compassionate with them - the feeling of being ignored. I see something that I do not have from them - self-worthiness.
This newfound empowerment fueled a passion inside me to become a leader and help uplift underprivileged communities. Because I have since found that my self-worthiness reach the highest level when I am helping marginalized people, including disabilities, immigrants, low-income families, LGBT communities and etc. I feel like that I could change the world by changing people's lives around me. I hope I could use law, the field that I dedicated my life to, to empower minorities, to fight for equality and social justice and, to be seen.
In the meanwhile, I am saving myself, by saving the 6 year-old little girl living deep down in my heart and soul.
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You have expressed your thoughts beautifully, and very expressively. Wish I could do the same. Anyway, here are my answers:
1. What kind of person I am?
A: You are a free bird, when someone tries to tame you , you get emotional.
2. What are my virtues and imperfections?
A: you are too sensitive to the people around you and i think their words matters a lot to you.
3. Do you think I am too depressed to be admitted to law school?
A: You are really not at all depressed, take this thought out of your mind.Ater reading about you, i think you are a very strong person. You just have to be ignorant of what others think about you.
4. Does my PS leave a strong impression on you?
A: Yes, it does.
5. Would you think that I am special and capable enough to be added to the prospective student pool?
A:YES, you will definitely achieve your goals in life.
Just a word of advice: Stay positive always, you are a beautiful person from your heart. Life is Beautiful. I wrote a blog few days back, i think you should read it but i m not sure if i am allowed to post it here or not but after reading your story i think i should give you the link:-
mywordsmylyf.blogspot.com/
