No cheating -.- second post and first should go together xD EF_TEAM ring ring ring!
Perhaps the most difficult challenge I have confronted was when my mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer.
don't use when. take it out and change the rest of it to match.
As it was only my mother and I at home it was up
comma after home
While this was a difficult time in my life, the challenge of battling cancer with my mother taught me not only who I am, but also that there are no limits as to what I can accomplish in my life.
Sounds vague. If you can, try making your paragraphs end with a definitive response about what you learned. If there's no word count, maybe write about how taking care of your mother told you there are no limits...a stretch?
decided to take it upon myself to use my spare time to shadow physicians in order to gain more in-depth knowledge of medical pathologies and treatment plans.
a big mouthful.
In addition, I was a regular volunteer at a local elementary school, and I aided a local high school for delinquent children raise money for an annual school sponsored trip to Germany.
tell how maybe, what you did, how those experiences will aid in anthropology
Working fulltime did not prevent me from successfully completing my undergraduate education having not only majored in anthropology, but also having studied abroad twice, and having learned the Italian language fluently.
another mouthful. looking at it again, its a run-on? a the second clause isn't complete
Overall, the challenges I faced while attending the University of Tennessee not only added to my education, but also enriched my life.
focus or make this point stronger. how did it enrich? what did you learn? how, again, have these made you enriched?
Each paragraph is pretty much standalone. work on better transitions.
Through my life experiences and my education in anthropology I have gained a deeper appreciation for mankind. I have learned that anthropologists can make a real difference in the world which is why I am now looking to further my education in anthropology.
another focus sentence. try combining the two, I think you can make them shorter so that the point made is stronger.
While I am predominantly interested in and traditional healing practices and prescription drug abuse I am also looking forward to exploring other topics.
phrasing is off. well, if you had these interests, talk about them earlier, it will help narrow the focus of the paper
Our consultations and cooperation regarding her/his expertise in XXXX would clearly facilitate my research and self-development goals.
I'm confused. the pronouns are a tad off
I'd like to talk to you soon too. haha
strengthen your intro, make it more you. less quote. you don't really use the quote much, so unless you place your challenges in picture through that quote, cut! restructure some parts, work on transition, and make sure you answer more about the first question. I don't see much about your previous work. Good luck!
*Edit. Team go to it quick :]
also, aren't you applying for graduate studies? wrong forum?