Hi to everyone, (very new member!!)
I need help with this SOP. I am not a native speaker, so many things that are OK to me sounds not OK when read by a native speaker..
I know the schools don't ask for perfect English but I don't want to risk it..
I have tried to develop mine by amending a sample SOP from a website. So it should not be that hard to edit for a native speaker..
Thanking you all for your help..
"I am applying for admission to the MSc in International Business, Energy and Petroleum because I want a career in the area of management of energy. In particular, I am interested in factors that affect the competitive performance of international oil companies, and the manner in which they adopt/pursue their business strategies in rapidly changing conditions, as well as the systems/reasons of their moves in international trade business. In order to gain an appreciation of these and related issues, it is essential for me to have a strong grounding in the fundamentals of energy sector and issues connected with the management of organisations functioning this market.
I believe that this International Business programme with concentration in Energy & Petroleum would be invaluable in helping me achieve these objectives. It would enable me to channel my quantitative and conceptual skills in analysing business issues. Subsequent to earning this degree, I would like to continue my career at a managerial level in the upstream or downstream petroleum industries.
I believe that my educational background has prepared me for such a career. I have started my undergraduate studies in the department of Chemical Engineering at XXX University, Ankara and finished by earning Bachelors Degree in Business Administration at XXX University, Istanbul. Though not completed, I find my studies at the faculty of engineering very useful. Later on, when combined with my Business Administration studies, they made me a good candidate for career opportunities in petroleum and chemical industries.
However, when I started Faculty of Economics and Administrative Sciences, I knew that it will be more beneficial for me as it will broaden my perspective and improve my career prospects. Economics and marketing - subjects new to me - were interesting, and I enjoyed applying quantitative and conceptual skills to analyze business problems. I did very well in projects, desk research, workshops and class discussion, although academically I did not perform to my satisfaction. (I finished with a GPA of 70.68, partly due to financial reasons). I was voted as one of the five suitable students in our faculty to participate in the "Young Entrepreneurs, 2004" which is an intercollegiate project competition for business students on planning and analysing a virtual investment.
Upon graduating, I was offered a job with Company C, a pharmaceutical firm which ranks as among the World's largest. This is where I learned how to apply the principles and lessons of marketing and management to real life. It was fascinating; and transformed my interest in management into a passion. I read extensively, trying to keep myself informed about management thinking in my areas of work - structure and systems in an industry and organisation, industrial marketing and strategy.
After that, I have found an opportunity for a working for energy sector, for which I have always had personal interest. For the last year, I have been employed as an Area Sales Specialist by Company Z which is the Turkey branch of Company X, largest global Liquefied Petroleum Gas (LPG) distributor. I have learnt a lot on my present job. With the rest of my team, I have analysed markets and examined supply and distribution networks for oil and gas products. I have helped formulate entry strategies, plans for expansion and diversification; and also company business plans. As part of a team, I have carried out preliminary feasibility studies for potential buyers; compared their technology options and suggested business opportunities with SHV-İpragaz to them. I have studied in detail the organisation structure and systems for trading oil and gas products and helped my superiors as in reconstructing sales activities.
My work experience in Company Z- yet short but effective- has given me valuable insights into the environment in which oil and gas companies operate. It has enabled me to observe some of the better and worse ways of running a business in the field of energy. Certain assignments, such as assisting in the reconstruction of sales activities, helped me understand the necessity of good organisation structures, and appreciate the significance of marketing in trading. However, some have been demanding as required me to have a detailed knowledge in energy and petroleum products.
While the company provided employees with courses to overcome my lack of detailed knowledge in this field, it has not been possible for me to truly understand specific business and technology - related issues in depth. I realise that in order to be able to do so, I need a better understanding of energy petroleum and their management and economics. Equally important, I need a further training to be able to use this knowledge in the international business world.
I want to do a Masters Degree at the University of XXX for many reasons. I have read a lot about your city and am impressed with the emphasis placed on its importance for the XXX energy market, where I would like to pursue my career. Moreover, University of XXX, a long-established and known university, is one of the rare schools in XXX, offering degrees that can combine energy related subjects and management. Its reputation for excellent teaching and challenging coursework are added attractions. Moreover, I trust that your university considers foreign students like me as an advantage for creating diversity in school's student profile and offer them the chance to study and experience your country.
It is therefore, I strongly hope that the admissions committee finds my background and strengths commensurate with the requirements of University of XXXX's in International Business, Energy and Petroleum."
At first I was worried because you said you amended an essay from another site. As you know, we are not allowed to post content that appears on other sites. However, you must have done a very good job of transforming it into a new essay, because I did a Google search for blocks of your text and did not find anything. Also, you did a great job of presenting yourself in a positive light. This essay looks great, and I found no errors until I got to this part:
My work experience in Company Z - yet short but instructive - has given me valuable insights into the environment in which oil and gas companies operate. It has enabled me to observe some of the effective and ineffective ways of running a business in the field of energy. Certain assignments, such as ...
However, some have been demanding, as they required me to have a detailed knowledge in energy and petroleum products.
Don't put spaces around the hyphen: technology-re lated issues
I want to pursue a Masters Degree at the University of XXX for many reasons. I have read a lot about your city and am impressed with the emphasis placed on its importance for the XXX energy market, where I would like to begin my career. Moreover, your long-established and renowned university is one of the rare schools in XXX offering degrees that can combine energy-related subjects and management. Its reputation for excellent teaching and challenging coursework are added attractions. Moreover I know that your...
I am sure this will be received very well! Congratulations.
The tenses also get confusing in this part: "Though not completed, I find my studies at the faculty of engineering very useful. Later on, when combined with my Business Administration studies, they made me a good candidate for career opportunities in petroleum and chemical industries." Ir you are still doing your studies, then "Later on" presumably refers to a future time, but you have employed the past tense for the subsequent verbs. You will have to decide what tenses best convey your meaning, then revise the sentence to make sure you have consistently employed those tenses.
Kevin&Sean,
Thanks a lot! I really appreciate your help..
Yes, I did followed the same format with a sample essay but changed most of it..So I hope it won't come up on google. (As a matter of fact I searched a few sentences on google too and it only came up with this thread!)
And, Sean, you are right about the tense confusion..It is confusing because I say "though not completed" and it sounds like as if I'm still studying..Actually, I am trying to say that I was unable to complete my studies and earn my degree at chemical engineering! I will amend it so..
Anyway, if you think it's OK then it is OK. Will let you know if I'm accepted :)
Thanks again..
xxx
Oh, I see what you mean now. You could try
"Though I chose not to complete them, I found my studies at the faculty of engineering very useful. Later on, when combined with my Business Administration studies, they made me a good candidate for career opportunities in petroleum and chemical industries."
That should fix it.
