Hi, Please review the below essay in terms of content, structure, presentation and of course grammer...
Thanks in advance
Briefly assess your career progress to date. Elaborate on your future career plans and your motivation for pursuing a graduate degree at college M? (800 - 1000 words approx.)
"There is no higher religion than human service. To work for the common good is the greatest creed." -- Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965) German theologian, philosopher, and physician.
Over the next few years, I would like to round out my corporate technical experience with exposure to core business skills such as strategy, innovation and transportation management. Doing so will help me become a well-rounded member of the Railway board, my ultimate goal, to guide Indian railways towards generating greater markets and higher profits and bring its service to a level at par with the world's best railways systems. This goal arises from my passion to serve the country by using my technical knowledge to improve Indian railways.
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."-Albert Einstein. Perhaps, these words sum up my family mission and values. My father founded a charitable educational trust, Markaz-adab-o-Science(MAS), with a view to generate educational and social awareness among the downtrodden and most backward masses in Ranchi, my hometown. Since the inception of the trust, I was involved in its activities and took active part in providing career guidance and increasing computer literacy among the local populace. My association with the trust and the upbringing I received at home inculcated in me a deep sense of duty and responsibility to serve the society. While I was growing up, Indian economy was witnessing a phenomenal growth. One of the key factors for such growth was the rapid stride in Information and Communication Technologies (ICT). I was gripped by the advances in ICT and particularly its potential to promote the quality of life in rural India as well as creating new opportunities in all sectors. I realized that technology was my real calling and aspired to become an expert in communication technologies. With an Engineering degree in Electronics & Communication and a subsequent Masters degree in Computers, I joined Samsung electronics to acquire first-hand experience in ICT. Over the next 6 years, I have built my expertise in latest ICT in addition to accumulating leadership experience to manage teams and projects. I have successfully led and executed telecom projects for several operators such as Verizon for the US market and Vodafone for the European market. I have also pursued a varied range of roles - recruiting employees, mentoring engineers, and interfacing with clients spread across the globe - to prepare me to eventually realize my larger goals. My work ethic, my initiative to take on more responsibility, my analytical rigor, and my ability to lead effectively earned me a promotion to Lead Engineer after four years. Achieving this promotion typically requires at least six years. A successful career at Samsung could still not satisfy me, as I was still figuring out how to utilize my skills to make a lasting impact on society.
My passion to serve society motivated me to prepare for Indian Engineering Services (IES), a techno-managerial cadre of the Government of India. The selection procedure of IES is very rigorous as nearly a hundred thousand aspirants vie for 150 odd seats. After 9 hrs of office work, it was quite grueling to put 4 hrs of daily studies continuously for 2 yrs. After coming out with an All India 23rd rank in IES, my choice of Railways cadre was quite natural as I was always mesmerized by the size and complexity of the railways network, transporting eighteen million passengers and more than two million tonnes of freight daily. Most of the rail networks across the world have kept themselves abreast with the advances of science and technology, which has helped them not only remain efficient and profitable but also offer better service to its passengers. Unfortunately the Indian railways beset with bureaucracy and red-tapism, is still far away to either make use of the best of technologies or to improve its overall transportation management, which causes immense losses to the public exchequer. My strong desire to contribute my bit to society and my professional interests apparently shaped my long-term goal to serve in the Indian railways. I plan to join back Indian railways and aspire to become a member of the Railway board. As a board member I will utilize the vested executive power in me to make a significant change in IR by effective use of technology. Post MBA, my short-term goal is to become a consultant with a firm that specializes in infrastructure consulting (rail, road, general transportation). This role would give me the opportunity to leverage the skills gained from business school including strategy and innovation and thereby position me better to achieve my long-term goal.
Having achieved two of the necessary steps - gaining strong technical know how and becoming a Class I officer in Indian railways- towards achieving my long term goal, I still lack a good knowledge of business domain that is absolutely necessary to make Indian railways a profitable venture. Upon joining railways, I wish to explore several compelling ideas such as the possibility of dedicated goods line, implementing 'roll-on, roll-off' concept on a large scale and replacing the obsolete BSNL telecom lines with 3G lines. To realize my aspirations, I will need core skills in strategy, consulting and operations that I do not possess today. I need to learn how to analyze the financial viability of the plan, make proposals from the business point of view, learn and implement efficient and profitable business processes, which are often the key behind the success of so many private multinationals. I strongly believe that an MBA is the right way for me to gain this knowledge. Upon commencing the course at college M, I will have obtained strong knowledge in the latest communication technologies through my education and my work experience at Samsung. My conviction is that at this point in my life, these skills will allow me to realize the maximum educational benefit from the MBA at college M.
As a Class I officer in railways, I will have the responsibility to contribute to the General management of railways and therefore MBA at college M with a focus on General Management Program (GMP) is an ideal course for me. I am very much interested in courses such as Strategic Execution, which would help me to analyze key issues in strategic decision-making situations. Financial Reporting and Analysis course will enrich my perspective by adding business dimension to assess the viability of project. Small yet highly diverse class and a group-based approach to teaching will provide me with the opportunity to learn more from my classmates. I am especially enthusiastic about the International Project, which will enhance my global perspective. My communication with Prof Mr. A, an alumni Mr.Atim(Class of 2009) and the current batch student Mr. S at the Bangalore road show has fully attested to my belief that college M is the very school that will transform me from a candidate to a well rounded government officer who will make an informed and influential contribution to Indian railways.
This essay will need to be trimmed ruthlessly. It's far too long. I suspect that an Admissions Officer would quit on it about a third of the way in.
You can cut in two ways: by cutting content and by making your language more concise. You should do both.
Concerning content, read through the essay asking yourself at every sentence: Are these details essential to the story? If not, and they don't add anything else (such as a more entertaining reading experience or a glimpse of your personality), omit them.
Once you've settled on what you will and won't say, add a sentence or two to your introduction that orients your reader to what is to come, the overall trajectory of your career and the conclusion you would like the reader to draw from that.
It's no use correcting sentences that may be cut, so I'll wait for your revision before making specific suggestions about sentences.
The essay seems longer than it is, too, because all of sentences tend to be of the same length and structure. You also use either weak verbs ("was" crops up a lot) or abstract ones (such as "inculcate") which also makes the essay a longer read than it has to be. Fix these stylistic problems as you cut, and you will end up with a much more interesting essay.
Thanks a lot Liebe, EF_Sean and EF_Simone for your candid comments. Special thanks to Liebe for analysing the essay to great depth and giving me bold comments.
*Man, it is becoming quite clear that your essay is full of horse manure.
After reading your comments I also agree to your point completely:). Thank you very much!!!!
The essay I posted does not seem to bring out what I intend. As you suggested I have tried to modify the essay structure and reduce the content as well. Specifically, I tried to put my goal statement in the begining and tried to remove generalities as much as possible. In brief the following are the main points of the essay:
Long term goal-> To become a well rounded officer who has both the technical experience and buisness skills(aim to gain from MBA)to improve Railways.
Short term goal -> To join a consulting firm to hone my skills in consulting especially infrastructure consulting(rail, road, general transportation).
My current profile-> I have been working in technology domain for last 6 yrs. I prepared for IES while being in job and 2 yrs back I qualified it. I have not yet joined because all this time I planned to continue in job and get a good exposure of signalling and telecom domain, which would be useful in IES. The job of the Class I officer (which I am going to be, once I join IES) is the overall management of Railways specifically the signalling and telecom infrastructure. Once I join Railways, I wish to use my technical knowledge combined with my buisness skills to guide Indian railways towards generating greater markets and profits.
Although I tried to reduce the content to some extent, I could not reduce it much. Kindly review it and give your valuable comments in terms of structure, grammer, content and how it can be brought under 1000 word limit. Right now it is exceeding by 134 words. So here is the modified essay.
Briefly assess your career progress to date. Elaborate on your future career plans and your motivation for pursuing a graduate degree at college M? (800 - 1000 words approx.)Over the next few years, I would like to round out my corporate technical experience with exposure to core business skills such as strategy, innovation and transportation management. Doing so will help me become a well-rounded member of the Railway board, my ultimate goal, to guide Indian railways towards generating greater markets and higher profits and bring its service to a level at par with the world's best railways systems. This goal arises from my passion to serve the country by using my technical knowledge to improve Indian railways.
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."-Albert Einstein.
...
You've weakened the essay by tacking on that preface before the opening quotation. Try moving that information to the conclusion if it isn't stated elsewhere.
I see that you still struggle with articles (a, an, the). For example: a deep sense of duty and responsibility to serve the society. While I was growing up, the Indian economy was witnessing a phenomenal growth.
You may want to review the rules for these.
The paragraph that begins with the quote is too long. Start a new paragraph at "While I was growing up..."
Your last paragraph explains what the school will do for you. Now tell them how you, as a student, will contribute to the school.
Overall, I'd still like to see the essay be more concise. For your final revision, regard each sentence ruthlessly, cutting out any unnecessary words or phrases. For example: I still lack a good knowledge ofthe business knowledgedomain that is absolutely necessary to make Indian railways a profitable venture .
Thanks EF_Simone for your comments.
You've weakened the essay by tacking on that preface before the opening quotation
I could'nt get this. As I understand to make things clear, we should give a thesis or briefly mention about my long term goal and its reasoning. Without the clear goals mentioned at the beginning, the reader keeps wondering about it. In the 1st draft I made the same mistake, which you pointed out.
add a sentence or two to your introduction that orients your reader to what is to come, the overall trajectory of your career and the conclusion you would like the reader to draw from that.
Can you please suggest what should I mention in the 1st para?
Thanks and regards
