Joshua, this is certainly shorter than the first one, which is good. There are some errors I need to point out though.
My great-grandfather was a Japanese gardener and my great-grandmother was a German house maid for an affluent family in New York. That is how my family came to this country, for work .
- This particular part of your story just does not fit into the motivation of your becoming a sailor. It would be best to avoid any mention of people or life events that do not show how you developed a motivation for a naval career.,as well as immigrating to this country in the first place .
an injuryon an anti-aircraft gun
- ... injury
while manning an anti...
As a prior enlisted man in the Navy I feel I have had a somewhat unique perspective on what makes a good leader, when compared to prospective officer candidates straight out of college. I have seen leadership strategies that seem to work well, and those who do not. I feel a good leader should know what it takes to get the job done when they give an order to a subordinate. No leader should ask someone to do something they would not do themselves. As an Electronics Technician in the Navy I have worked my way up the ranks. I feel that before giving any order a good leader should have an idea of just what it takes to get that job done. I feel I have that quality. I feel that would make me a good Officer of the Navy.
- As a
previously enlisted Navy man ...
My life experiences make me a great candidate for the NUPOC, SWO, or IP programs. As a "go-to" type of person I feel I am a natural leader. I am in my element under pressure. Be it in my job, in the classroom, or at home, those who know me tend to be drawn to looking to me for guidance. I feel a Naval officer should be that type of person. As a Nuclear Propulsion Systems Officer I feel it is critical to make snap second decisions to help save the ship during critical points in the evolution . Every second counts and I feel I am up to the task. As a Surface Warfare Officer I will need to keep the ship running smoothly no matter what platform I am stationed on, or division I am in. I will need to be able to adapt and learn quickly. As an Intelligence Professional I will need to be able to intake information and process it quickly and efficiently. I feel that my background and personality makes me a good candidate for these positions.
- ... critical points in the
battle ...
I am the kind of person who will put mission first above all else.I feel as a leader I will have to make tough decisions at times, and someone who is too emotional might have clouded judgment. As a person in a long line of servicemen I feel it would be a great honor to my family if I were to become an Officer in the United States Navy. I know I will not let them down.
- ... who will put
the mission...
As a man coming from a long line...
This is a more Navy-centric motivational statement that shows how familiar you are with the navy and the career plan you have ahead of you. It just might draw the kind of attention you need in order to get into the Navy. I am not saying it will work, but with more polishing, it might be in a good position for consideration :-)