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Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things


outacontrol007 1 / 6  
Dec 28, 2014   #1
Final version of my essay.I was able to get rid of redundancy and also tried to maintain the flow between paras.Please give your inputs.Thanks.

"As an applicant, you are required to submit an essay (approximately 1,000 words) describing your academic and professional background, your career goals, and how the program will help you achieve your goals."

I have always believed clarity is power and hence always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things. As a child of internet age, it was only natural that the marvels of Computer and Technology drove me to opt for an Undergraduate degree in Computer Science & Engineering from Sir MVIT College of Engineering, one of the Bangalore's most reputed colleges. An Engineering degree was a natural outcome of my desire to secure a holistic technical grounding in the workings of computer hardware and software; this also opened my eyes to the extent technology shapes the world we live in, today. Multitude of courses: languages like JAVA, C and C++, courses on Database Management, Computer Networks, Operating Systems, Algorithms and the like, gave me the holistic perspective I sought.

My final year project Speaker Recognition was based on the process of automatically recognizing the speaker on the basis of individual information included in speech waves. This recognition of the speaker's identity is based on his or her speaking one or more specific phrases, like password, card numbers, PIN codes etc. This project was challenging as it involved varied topics such as speech, sound waves and MATLAB software, all part of electronics and communication fields. My logical reasoning ability and knowledge of computer science and engineering helped understand how to go about writing an algorithm and eventually come up with a code that worked. This project clearly showed how computer science and engineering is used in different fields of study.

I was recruited by Thomson Reuters Corporation during the final year of under-graduation. I was one among the 10 candidates in the city that were recruited for their Trainee Engineer Program. Since my interest was Database Technology and did well in the same during the training program; I was absorbed into the database team as a Database Administrator.

As a Database administrator I am responsible for the management of 100+ critical databases. I am also the point of contact for all the activities involved with the databases. Last few years have been an exponential learning curve for me in terms of Technical, interpersonal and leadership skills. One of projects assigned to me was the MIS Database Refresh, which involved moving of New Data and Parameters from Primary DB to Secondary DB. Image and Meta data had to be archived separately, for which different batch jobs had to be executed- one for moving from the primary to secondary and the other for running a batch job on the primary to delete the cases. This functionality was new to the entire team. The complexities involved- understanding the location of data in the DB; getting the complex database query's right & checking multiple databases which contained enormous amount of data. This experience not only highlighted the importance of information management but also made me aware of the various challenges involved in dealing with the critical data of an organization. Locating & assimilating new information rapidly, apart from having to break down & understand complex content made me to think out of the box. This not only increased my problem solving capabilities but also helped my team achieve results & completing the project in a record seven days time. This way I started to improve and develop as a technologist and vertically grow in my domain.

The world belongs to those with "Horizontal Exposure" and "Vertical Expertise" i.e., exposure to many things with specialization in a few. To gain this horizontal exposure, I dabbled in various pursuits - Photography and Event Management. I have freelanced in photography following which I have started a venture called Spangle Arts, a photography service company, comprises of 3 photographers, 2 designers, and a make-up artist. This helped me build good network in the entertainment and fashion industry and further helped me co-found an event management group called Enthalpy Entertainment. I have build websites and currently working on android app for Enthalpy to make our services more reachable to the masses. Through these two ventures I had the opportunity to market, sell, and negotiate my work with clients. All these activities have helped shape me into a kind of individual I am today: rounded, intellectually curious and with a zest for learning. My entrepreneurial experience along with a Masters Degree will help me achieve my long term goal of starting an IT consulting firm. With courses such as Financial Accounting, Principles of Finance, Tech Start-up and E-Commerce offered at HEINZ College MISM program by top faculty, I aim to be an IT consultant who has a better perspective of business, involved in the field of information systems. I have heard a lot of positives about the entire course from the current students and the alumni (one of them being my partner at Spangle Arts). The Database management experience that I have gained will help contribute a lot to the class in terms of knowledge and skill set. I also believe that the Masters degree in Information Systems Management, at your esteemed university is the logical outcome of my urge to learn the unlearnt, explore the unexplored and familiarise myself with the unfamiliar.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 29, 2014   #2
I am not entirely sure about your approach to this paper. Are you writing this as a statement of purpose? A personal statement? Or as a research paper? The reference list at the end makes me think this is more for research or a discussion paper? I really hope that you can tell me what context you wrote this paper in so that I can offer you a better review of the work that you did. I need to know exactly what the prompt is for the paper, what direction it should be headed, and what the expectations are for the paper. It is not enough to just post the content of the paper and a list of references at the end. That does not offer me any guideline towards properly reviewing the paper. Kindly supply the clarification that I need as soon as possible. Thanks.
OP outacontrol007 1 / 6  
Dec 29, 2014   #3
Sorry about that.The write up is a required admission essay that is part of my application to the university.This is the prompt:

"As an applicant, you are required to submit an essay (approximately 1,000 words) describing your academic and professional background, your career goals, and how the program will help you achieve your goals."
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 29, 2014   #4
In that case, you do not need the reference list at the end of your essay. This is supposed to be totally based upon your personal interests, anecdotes, and related experiences. This essay does not need to follow a research paper format. As far as I can tell, your essay already responds to the prompt.You need to lose the all caps words though. You never use all caps in an essay because that is improper writing etiquette. The reader tends to believe that you are shouting at the person reading it. It does not come across as emphasis, which is what I know you were driving at by using all caps. Whenever you can avoid using all caps, except in the case of MATLAB and other official acronyms, please do so. If you are only discussing a class you took or a seminar/training event, use the correct first letter capital format for the title of the event.
OP outacontrol007 1 / 6  
Dec 29, 2014   #5
Thanks a lot for the quick response.Yes I will get rid of all caps words,I felt a flow missing when I reviewed it.I wanted there to be a continuity in the essay or maybe I have reviewed it again and again that I'm reading each para individually and not seeing the flow.Also I wanted to create a wow factor in the write up so that the admission office remember my story when they consider admits.Is that something I shouldn't worry about as long as the questions are answered?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 29, 2014   #6
Yes, concentrate on honestly answering the questions. The wow factor will not help if you are unable to support is factually within your essay. The hook, or most important wow factor, should be located at the start of the essay. That is not a requirement however and you can just go ahead with answering the essay prompt as best as you can. From what I can read, you need to summarize your academic achievements in relation to your chosen major and then expand upon how the chosen major or program will help you achieve your goals. You already mentioned your goals in the latter part of the essay, you just need to make sure to expand upon how the program will help you realize those points that you have set up for yourself. Your essay could also use some transition sentences when changing paragraph topics so that the flow of the essay can be smoothed out.
OP outacontrol007 1 / 6  
Dec 29, 2014   #7
Brilliant!!Appreciate your inputs again. Exactly what I was looking for -transition sentences! I'll use them and post the essay. Are there any grammatical errors in the essay that you see??
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 29, 2014   #8
I don't really see anything to correct at the moment. Then again, I always save the revisions and corrections for the final version of the paper so that the student can save on editing time. Every time you change the content of the paper, you have to revise the whole essay as well. So I try to save a few steps by finalizing the content first and then correcting everything else. We might need to edit the essay to shorten the content a bit. After all, the essay seems to be running a bit too long at the moment. Be mindful of the word count in the final edit, after I offer the corrections to your paper if any will be required. I'll let you know the final verdict on that after I read the (hopefully) final version of the paper.
OP outacontrol007 1 / 6  
Dec 29, 2014   #9
The essay is within word limit. Yes there is redundancy which I have to avoid. After I make changes,posting the final version here should be fine??
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 29, 2014   #10
Yes, you can post the next, final version of the essay in this very same thread for final review and advice. You can try to deal with the redundancy problems on your own if you wish to. In fact, I advice it so that you will learn how to properly avoid being repetitive in your essays. Review your essay and make sure that you are satisfied with the content and that you have proof read the essay as well. My responsibility will be to be the final pair of eyes that will look at the paper and try to find fault with it if at all possible, before I give it a green light for use on your end.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 31, 2014   #12
Lose the irrelevant parts about photography and the like. That is not required information from this essay and does not connect to your desire to learn more about computer programming. The best approach for this essay is to stay within track of the essay prompt. There is no set rule that says you have to come in at exactly the word count. In fact, if you can tell the admissions officers more about yourself in half the word count or a little close to the maximum, there is a chance that your paper will be better received. The overall content of the paper is applicable to the prompt and shows your keen interest in learning the more advanced courses based upon the "Why" of things as you call it. Just lose the extra curricular activities that don't relate to that interest and the paper will be ready for immediate use in my opinion :-)
OP outacontrol007 1 / 6  
Jan 1, 2015   #13
Thanks a lot for your review...Appreciate it! I have mentioned photography and the like to hint that I have had entrepreneurial experience, always a plus in my opinion, and how it would help me with my long term goal.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 2, 2015   #14
Pranith, when responding to an essay prompt, it is always in your best interest to only offer the information being asked for. Do not offer information not being requested because it could harm your application. How can it harm your essay? Well, what you think may be a plus in your essay could actually come across a negative to the reviewer. You never know what may be taken out of context with your essay so it is always best to stick as close as possible to the requirements of the prompt, no more, no less. There should be a separate essay prompt where the topic will be of your choosing where you will be given the opportunity to present this information to your benefit. However, if you choose to leave those parts in the essay, then so be it. The final form and content of the essay is yours to create :-)


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