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Activities and Achievements - MS in Software Engineering


neha154 2 / 3  
Mar 16, 2011   #1
Hi,

I have to write a one page document on activities and achievements. Could you please go through the below text and advice of corrections.

Thanks,
neha

______________________________________________________________________ ______________

Activities and Achievements

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment. Achieving goals brings immense satisfaction and peace of mind, but when your work is appreciated - it adds a feather to the cap.

I have always performed above expectations in any task that I take up. I attribute all that I have achieved today to sheer hard work, but with a helping hand from Lady Luck.

I received merit certificates and cash prizes for standing first in Std X, amongst all schools in county. I also won a National Level Certificate for the same. I was invited by a few organizations and felicitated for my achievement, where I was awarded mementos as their token of appreciation.

Moving on, my excellent grades made it easy for me to enroll in one of the best junior colleges - Fergusson College. Fergusson College is one of India's most prestigious education institutions, consistently ranked among the Top 10 colleges of the country.

I completed my XII standard with good grades and enrolled in the Vishwakarma Institute of Technology (VIT), Pune, for my undergraduate studies in Information Technology.

Always strive for excellence is something I believe in and this helped me achieve a distinction (Above 68%) in my engineering. In the last semester of the final year, job fairs are held in the colleges, wherein the IT companies visit campus, interview and select studies to work for them. I prepared well for my interview and after a few unsuccessful attempts, cracked it. I was selected to work for Zensar Technologies Ltd. Thus, I had a job in hand before I completed my undergraduate degree.

I worked with Zensar for five years and these five years have been amongst the best. After having been trained on UNIX, Java, Mainframes,.Net, I was allocated as a Management Trainee to a new project - Loyalty and Marketing for the client Marks and Spencer PLC. My seniors at the workplace realized my potential, selected me amongst other senior members and sent me to London, UK, within 6 months of my joining - an opportunity given to few. I was sent to learn a niche technology Model204(M204).

After having learnt the nitty-gritty, I came back to Pune. On my return, I was given an additional responsibility of training the fellow team members on M204. The teaching (in turn learning) experience helped me in mastering M204. In the first year of my service, I was awarded the "Young Star of the Year" award at Zensar for my exceptional talent in learning the niche technology.

Fellow Zensarians started referring me by the name "The Best M204 resource". I travelled again to London(UK), but this time for a longer duration. During this new onsite stint, I represented my offshore team at the client site. I was the point of contact with the business users, during which I faced numerous business critical challenges which meant late and out of office working hours. The hard work payed off, and I was appreciated for my dedication and enthusiasm. On completing one and a half year, I returned back to Pune.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. In addition to having maintained a good academic record, I participated in several extra-curricular activities like organizing social and cultural events and participating in them too.

I'm thankful to Zensar and my team for believing in me, recognizing my potential and offering me the best opportunities, which are otherwise offered to a selected few.

The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.
yash32 1 / 9  
Mar 18, 2011   #2
Hi Neha! Your essay is really good. I like that "it adds feather to the cap phrase" you've used. I think you used change the third line to something like this:

Be it any task, I've always tried to give my best performance. I attribute all that I have achieved today to sheer hard work and little help of Lady Luck.

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment. I think you should change the structure of this sentence. Or think of a different start.

Rest of your essay is very good. I don't think there is a need to edit anything else.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 20, 2011   #3
Try to shorten that first paragraph and make room to add one more sentence at the end without it becoming too long.
Do not end the first paragraph with an informative sentence. Add a sentence after that informative sentence, and make it a sentence that expresses your main "message" of the whole essay.

It will also be great if you can mention self-esteem again in the last sentence of the first paragraph, and that way you will be sticking with the concept you introduced in the first sentence.

Always strive striving for excellence is something I believe ...

After having learnt the nitty-gritty, I came back to Pune. ----Ha ha, great sentence! Great use of "nitty gritty."

On completing one and a half year, I returned back to Pune.----You never have to write "returned back." To return means to go back.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. In addition to having maintained a good academic record, I participated in several extra-curricular activities like organizing social and cultural events and participating in them too.(Okay, but add some sentences to make sure you can relate this paragraph to the MAIN IDEA of the essay, which is expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph.)

You did a great job!
OP neha154 2 / 3  
Mar 21, 2011   #4
thankyou Yash and Kevin for your suggestions.


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