"raising the standard of living" statement of purpose-- Industrial engineering

I would appreciate it if you could help me to make it well organized and better language. This is statement of purpose for US university for master degree.

Please Please give me your feedback.
Thank you in advance!

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The patriotic desire to serve my country to become a professional in Industrial Engineering with a wide practical and theoretical knowledge is my purpose for pursuing graduate. Also, that knowledge I posses right now is not enough for my further development as a professional and utilization of my potential to contribute with a huge industrial boom in my country.

I believe that industrial engineering studies lead to improve and find optimizations solutions for our society problems. My aim conduct more research to raise the level of productivity and quality and find optimizations solutions for company's problems such as XXX Airlines and XXX airports at ground and air services, and the delays that resulting from those services. Therefore, my ambition is to collaborate with experts to develop new projects that will help people to raise the standard of living of their community by improving the industrial sector.

XXXX University; particularly Industrial Engineering Program offers everything I need in order to be successful; it has an impressive academic curriculum and the extraordinary environment to top it off. Subjects such as "Introduction to Mathematical Programming", "Optimization Models and Applications", "Management Science Project", and "Logistics and Supply Chain Management", and the "Center for Engineering Logistics and Distribution (CELDi)" that would provide more practical and scientific knowledge to achieve my goals.

I have worked for almost eight years at my family business. I started my work as a salesman then my position was upgraded to the sales manager then an executive director of the foundation; during my work I performed and developed different tasks, such as inventory control, quality control, and facilities planning.

At the same time I was enrolled at XXXX University, with a major of Industrial Engineering. Both my work and study did supplement each other by theoretical and practical knowledge; moreover, that granted real senses to understand what has been studded in books.

Besides this, my ability of communicating with people and sharing new information is one of my helpful ways to acquire knowledge. Additionally, I see that acceptance of different views and perspectives allows me to reach my goals, and the discussion in unbiased way is one of my principles. Likewise, I learned how to be independent and responsible for my decisions, time, and deals. This is a combination, which I believe would make most valuable in the Master program at XXX University.

Because of the integration of my personal and professional interests, my goal is to obtain a master degree and then to work in industry sector in America, either with a consulting firm or as an operation manager. With fruitful achievements, I will return to make my due contributions to my motherland, XXXX, whose industry is in urgent need of development.

My hope is that your consideration of my file will render a favorable decision. I am confident a decision like that will definitely change my life and put me to the verge of a bright future of which I hope your University will be the main thrust.

My aim conducts more research to raise the level of productivity and quality and find optimal solutions for company's problems.... (I think you need an adjective before the word (solutions) insted of a plural noun)

whosewhere industry is inan urgent need offor development.

I hope this will help
Good Luck

Hi Scientiana, Zubaida.
Thank you so much for your feedback :)

I think that first paragraph should have one more sentence added to it. Give it one more sentence to make the main idea of the essay completely clear in the reader's mind.


I think you can take out "I believe" and just start the sentence like this:
Industrial engineering studies...

But isn't that an obvious sentence? Of course this is what industrial engineering does. So... I do not think you should use the sentence to say what industrial engineering does. Use the sentence to say something specific about what you would like to accomplish as an industrial engineer.

The last two paragraphs are very professionally written, but they are vague. You say you hope they receive you favorably, but that is obvious... I am interested in this part: "With fruitful achievements, I will return to make my due contributions to my motherland, XXXX, whose industry is in urgent need of development." You should revise the ending of this essay so that it tells more about how you might contribute to society in your home country and also in the other countries you affect.

You have a very professional, impressive style!