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Purpose in undertaking graduate study in a particular program - grad essay


hellsnyc 1 / 4  
Sep 19, 2008   #1
Hello,

I'm going to be applying for graduate school this Fall. I think the hardest thing for me has been writing the essay.

I have a first draft which I have completed recently and would love to get some much needed feedback. Is there anyone willing to help me out with some critiques?

Thanks so much ahead for any body's time!
OP hellsnyc 1 / 4  
Sep 19, 2008   #2
I'm sorry I just noticed that users usually just pasted their essays below their posts. Hope this works!

The question is - : "A typewritten, double-spaced, two- to three-page statement explaining your purpose in undertaking graduate study in your particular program. This is your opportunity to introduce yourself and to inform the Admissions Committee about your goals, interests, and career plans as they relate to your intended academic pursuits"

I was nine years old when I left everything I ever knew for America. Up until then, I had lived in the Dominican Republic and was about to experience for the first time complete cultural upheaval. After many English lessons I was accustomed to a new way of life but still craved the rush I felt when entering a completely new culture and finally reacquainted myself to it like an old friend when I packed my bags, beliefs, and expectations to study abroad during my senior year of college. In fact, these experiences affected and enriched my life to such a degree that I have developed an interest in a Masters degree at XX in the field of International Education.

The place where I grew up was "El 22" a town in the Dominican Republic that exemplified an economically ravaged island were the terrifying grip of ruthless leaders and political unrest was almost forgotten as a result of its geographic beauty. As a strict rule, I was allowed to play with the children living in the surrounding shantytowns but only during the day, and only when the sun watched over us. I could comprehend a few things. I was aware that on one side of the dirt road houses were big, with marble floors and cement walls. I understood that the lucky few to live in these palaces had a maid or a possible two or three, who cooked extravagant meals like lemon pernil (lemon pork) or arroz con pollo (rice and chicken) and lived two miles down the dirt road always on the other side . What I was not aware of or ready to understand yet was that some were lucky to have these things while others across the dirt road used self made outhouses as bathrooms filled webs and insects and build their houses out of tin and wire. It was as if the dirt road we all shared divided us not only physically right down the middle but also economically. When I left I had one view of home but when I returned at the age of twelve a sobering combination of age and new found awareness in the world around me caused by my international travel to the United States casted a harsh light on my former utopia I had left years earlier.

I was welcomed to the United States only to be greeted by a good old urban ghetto. Drug dealers and the urban victims they ruled over loitered on our apartment doorstep and prostitutes enjoyed an almost cop free space to go about their business. My mom was able to escape that environment after a few years and move us to a better town one with a paved road and drug free doorstep. This is where I began to see a way to rise, to become something more.

I attended college with the goal of acquiring a bachelor's. I faced problems most people of that age experience, a complete blank slate when it came to actual life plans as well as a seriously lack of funds. I was not sure what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, but I knew that an education would only benefit me.. During my tenure in college, I managed a good G.P.A., worked full time during the summer and at least thirty hours per week during the school year to pay the dreaded semester bill. Senior year sneaked up on me and I was as thrilled as I was anxious. In the fall of 2003 an email caught my attention from our study abroad director claiming that I too could study abroad in another country. It also invited students to attend an information session - Going against my common sense and financial limitations I attended. When I left that room I knew I had to study abroad. There was nothing anybody could do to convince me otherwise. I worked tirelessly to pay for my education and studying abroad was my gift to myself an award for just about surviving college and not giving up even when I was sure I'd have to delay payment and miss a semester. I visited my friendly neighborhood Sallie Mae Web site, took in a deep painful breath as if my future debt had already settled in my lungs, and accepted a loan to study abroad

My semester abroad fueled my interest in international education. I was able to experience a completely different style of teaching. Countries that I had only read about and never thought I'd be able to visit were suddenly at my fingertips. I experienced my first presidential election abroad and how the international media portrayed it and us. I also experienced what people from other countries felt about Americans and the responsibility I inherited as a representative. I remember thinking that every young person, especially one that calls themselves and educated American college student, should have this experience. After studying abroad, I came back to the United States, graduated, and landed an intern position at XXX, a marketing and public relations agency.

During my two and a half years at the agency, I learned valuable skills such as media relations, crisis communications, event planning, marketing and others. I was promoted numerous times and reached the level of Account Executive. Even as I found respect from my colleagues and felt proud of my professional accomplishments, I began feeling as if something was missing. My mind constantly wandered to my experience abroad during fleeting moments where I had a moment to think and longed to be part of something as life changing as that again.

The situation that led to my promotion as Account Executive is what solidified the idea of an international education career path for me. A town major accused the corporation I represented of disrespecting a specific ethnic group because of a bilingual billboard. To this mayor, a bilingual billboard was a dangerous sight and a threat to his American community. With my supervisors on vacation I had no choice but to spring into action and work with the major corporation to turn the tide of media scrutiny around ridiculing the mayor for his stance. I managed all media inquiries and statement drafts for their pieces, and successfully supported a debate on a major morning news program between the mayor and an important public figure on the subject. While putting together research for this debate, I learned that this mayor had barely ever left the country. Would this had made a difference in his reaction to the billboard and averted all of the mayhem that ensued?

After much thought, I finally found resolve and pursued ways to acquire some experience in the international education field. I emailed study abroad staff in universities throughout the area asking about the field and possible open positions. I was contacted by the director of international services at XXX University, interviewed, and was hired in their Global Education Center. At the university, they support me and allow the flexibility to learn about the international education industry. Part of the position involves meeting with students, advising them in their study abroad choices, and sharing my own experiences abroad. I also manage logistics for a major program that has 1,500 Chinese and Korean students visiting the campus per year in groups of 140. The students take classes on campus and take part in educational excursions throughout the Tri-State Area. Interacting with the study abroad students as well as the students in the program are my favorite thing about my job. It is from this position and the richness that it has already offered that my interest in graduate school surfaced and I am able to make an informed decision to attend.

My research interests lie mainly in minority study abroad and anti-American sentiments abroad. As I mentioned earlier, becoming an unexpected ambassador for the United States was shocking to me and something I had never previously experienced. I would be very interested in quantifying the effect a study abroad student has on students located in their home country. Another form of research that intrigues me is a minority's role in the study abroad model. I am currently working with our women's studies program director researching ways to increase GLBTQ student participation in our study abroad programs as well as to learn effective advising tactics for this specific student population. Participation or lack thereof with other groups such as African Americans and Hispanic Americans etc. and the factors leading them to choose the study abroad location they do is a topic I would like to study in further detail.

My ultimate academic goal is to earn a PhD in International Education and XXX is my top choice to help me decide what branch of this field I will want to study more in depth. Career wise, I want to earn a position as a director or dean in a study abroad department of a university so I can implement programs and scholarships for students regardless of economic status.

As I grow and learn in my current position, I see how difficult the job of an international educator is. It is a constant struggle between a university's administration, program funds, and student recruitment. Even so, for every obstacle I face, there is a student whose experience abroad allows them to view their country with fresh eyes and a sense of resolve to change something about their world. As for me, I believe that XXX will offer the education to increase my skills as an international educator and support me in my life long career goal to increase awareness of our cultural differences and life experiences to young people. When it comes down to it the United States has become my home, but Dominican Republic and the lessons it taught me will never be forgotten.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Sep 19, 2008   #3
Hello!

A couple of questions.

First, what is the prompt for the essay?

Second, what are the length requirements?

Thanks!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP hellsnyc 1 / 4  
Sep 19, 2008   #4
Gloria,

I cannot begin how much I thank you for your help.

The length is up to 3 pages. I'm aware that this is too long. It's my first draft so I figured it's better to start with too much rather than too little.

I'm sorry I'm not sure if I understand your first question. If you are asking why I wrote this essay, it's to get into grad school in international education. If you're asking how long do I have my personal deadline to send this application is December 15.

I hope that answers your first question!

Thank you again for your help. You guys are AMAZING.

Alvaro
OP hellsnyc 1 / 4  
Oct 7, 2008   #5
Any suggestions? Sorry to bother!
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 7, 2008   #6
Good afternoon.

After reading your essay, I wonder if you need so much background information; there is so much that it seems overwhelming, and it is difficult to link it to the prompt. The statement "My ultimate academic goal is to earn a PhD in International Education and XXX is my top choice to help me decide what branch of this field I will want to study more in depth. Career wise, I want to earn a position as a director or dean in a study abroad department of a university so I can implement programs and scholarships for students regardless of economic status" is the most poignant and "to the point" section of your whole essay; it is clear and concise, easy to link to the prompt, and generally effective. I suggest going back through the piece to take out large chunks that are not vital to the story and spend more time explaining your career goals and academic pursuits while on campus.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP hellsnyc 1 / 4  
Oct 8, 2008   #7
That is actually some great feedback. Let me edit it down and tweak it quite a bit. I'll show it to you again after I'm done.

I really appreciate your help. Thank you!
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 8, 2008   #8
I'm glad I could help. Once you have revised, please note however, that per our TOS I can only comment on an essay once. I wish you the best of luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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