Hello everyone,
I'm a newbie at this forum and I am applying for a grad programme in robotics. I need an expert opinion and critique of my sop.
Here is the text:
If I had to sum up my reason to apply for postgraduate studies in one sentence, it would be "I need to know more". In today's fast paced world of technology, scientific breakthroughs are being made every day. Methods and equipment that were state-of-the-art no more than ten years ago are rapidly becoming obsolete. The result has been the transformation of conventional machines into more productively sophisticated machines, which are adaptable to distinctive and interdisciplinary approaches. Research in robotics and control systems has changed the way we interact with and perceive the world around us. This has been linked with the fundamental knowledge of mechatronics, robotics and intelligence, based on computer sciences.
Inspiration from my science teachers and works of science fiction by the likes of H.G. Wells, Isaac Asimov, Frank Herbert and Jules Verne stimulated me to open my mind to the avenues of science at an early stage of my academic career. Eventually being enrolled into the Mechatronics and Control Engineering programme at UET Lahore, I realized my potential and the wonderful and exciting opportunities the field of robotics and intelligent control provided me with. Throughout the four years of my undergraduate studies, courses like Mechatronics System Design, Robotics, Machine Vision and Artificial Intelligence not only inspired and motivated me to work hard to develop a sound theoretical foundation, but also stimulated me to work on numerous projects to broaden my understanding of engineering principles.
Working as the team leader in the design of a robot for a national robotic competition strengthened my technical skills and turned out to be a converging point for my objectives. I acquired the ability to visualize a robotic system as a perfect harmony of electromechanical components and software with the desired characteristics and behavior. I delivered numerous presentations to the faculty and students, which resulted in the expansion of my work by students of following sessions as semester projects. In continuation of the gained enthusiasm, I took up the task of building a brain-computer interface as my final year project, which propelled my objectives to a higher degree of craving for this field. My thirst for knowledge and curiosity for exploring new horizons have been resonant enough to push me for carrying out research in this area.
Eventually a career in research and development was the perfect choice for me to develop an understanding of professional development techniques and broaden my technical expertise. My work as a design engineer for the past year has helped me develop a deep understanding of embedded systems and programming.
I possess sound skills in computer science, electronics and mechanical engineering, but I must build on these to achieve my goal of undertaking cutting-edge research in advanced robotics. Getting graduate level education through writing and research is definitely a must in today's challenging and highly competitive environment and is the next logical step for me to grow in this field. After the completion of my studies, I expect to acquire a deep insight and understanding of robotics, which will surely enable me to carry on further research work in this field. My decision to pursue higher studies is highlighted by my wish to be part of the excellent and well-rounded Robotics and Simulation program at KAIST. KAIST is among the top ranked universities of the world and has an excellent robotics programme. After my graduation, I intend to pursue a more research-oriented career and continue my education by going for a PhD. My research interests include robotics, reconfigurable embedded platforms, real-time systems for control and automation and refining programming paradigms for intelligent systems.
Being part of the academic culture at KAIST would be a wonderful opportunity for me and I hope you will accept my application and allow me the privilege to pursue graduate studies at your institution.
For a detailed list of all my projects, please take a look at my attached resume.
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Please give me your comments and suggestions.
You are very smart. Your writing flows nicely, but I guess I have to say it feels like work to read it. You open with a general statement that seems like something right out of a text book. However, the essay really is great! I hope you will move this to the beginning and open with it:
If I had to sum up my reason to apply for postgraduate studies in one sentence, it would be "I need to know more". That is awesome. In fact, you could change that para slightly and move it to the beginning to make it your intro.
Alternatively, you could just use your current first sentence as the second sentence (after the sentence above) and keep the first paragraph mostly the way it already is.
The thing is, your current intro does not grab the reader's attention. Whatever you choose for your intro paragraph, give the reader a reason to care! That is the riddle you have to solve in persuasive writing. Technically, this is persuasive writing! So, capture and inspire the reader with a few powerful topic sentences.
Do at least one thing that is unexpected or unusual! How about removing two sentences that seem unnecessary (your choice) and replace them with sentences that capture the reader?
