(...i really don't know how to start with the first paragraph...)
During the four years of my undergraduate study, I have taken numerous courses in Accounting, Finance, and Business Management. This has exposed me to the various aspects of the accounting field and prepared me to achieve my career objectives.
In July 2007, I started my first job as a Financial Clerk in ABC Company. My activities within this position included accounts receivable, accounts payable, bookkeeping, and office's budget. Through this job, I applied my accounting theory to a real-world environment, which has helped me broaden my horizon and give me courage to continue pursuing further education in accounting field.
After one year of working as a financial clerk, I was employed by DEF Bank as a Marketing Officer. This job required not only sufficient marketing background but also analytic capacility. As a marketing officer who offered services for more than ten local companies. I must know my customers well by means of examining companies' financial reports and checking their business documents to ensure that they had legal background and business relationships in order to prevent our bank from fraud and money laudering. Furthermore, I must ensure that all my performances were compliant with bank policies and procedures. In addition, I was responsible for the branch's IT maintainance because of my proficient computer skills. With this capacity, I got the chance to be familiar with a number of softwares used to facilitate accounting procedures. The two years banking experience provided me great wealth in my early career: the communication and negotiation skills, the knowledge of gerneral accounting procedures, the hands-on experience in risk analysis, especially, the real interest in the accounting field.
In August 2007, I resigned from DEF Bank and then participated in a cultural exchange program in United States. The true personal reason is to utilize this chance to improve my English and pursue my master's degree in United States. Since arriving alone in U.S. in September 2007, I have been enjoying the satisfaction of knowing that I can accept challenges, remain focused and achieve what I set out to accomplish. While keeping my aims constantly in view, I took some courses at Anne Arundel Community College and USDA Graduate School to enhance my English and maths skills for the future education. Through my effort, I have developed excellent communication skills with people of different cultural backgrounds. I also got "A" grades in all my registered courses.
My long-term goal is to pursue a career as a CPA in a public accounting firm. For this reason, I am seeking a professional accounting program that will further my professional objectives and fulfill my educational requirements. I sincerely believe that, my three years working experience in financial department, coupled with my education in finance and my strong desire for professional growth in my interested area, will enable me to successfully fulfil the Master of Science in Accounting program.
Okay... throughout the whole thing, you can shorten sentences by leaving out unnecessary details.
Combine this into one sentence: As a marketing officer who offered services for more than ten local companies, I need to know...
You can take your last paragraph and put it at the beginning as the intro paragraph. Like many students, you got around to making your "statement" right at the end. That last paragraph is a good introduction to the essay. Replace it with a new closing paragraph that captures the meaning of the whole essay.
Good luck!!
asap, judging from your username, I am guessing the deadlines has passed :)
But in case you are still looking for advise-
in your third paragraph, you use the phrase "I must" twice. Find a synonym- how about: "I am required to..."
Also in your last paragraph (which, I agree with Kevin, should be your first), you use "fulfill" twice. Why not try "satisfy" or "excel in" ?
Additionally, I would take out "sincerely" in the phrase "sincerely believe". I think the adverb makes it sound like you're trying to hard to convince them of your belief that you are prepared. Instead of convincing them with this adverb, show them (as I think you do a pretty good job of) through examples.
good luck!!
