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Personal Statement for Law School Admissions-Why I want to go to law school


AshlynMarquez 1 / 3  
Nov 9, 2009   #1
I would be very appreciative if someone could look over this. I have been trying my hardest to cut down on the length, but Im still a half page over.

Also, I feel my conclusion could use some work.


Thank you!
Ashlyn

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Walking into my childhood room might make one wonder if I had joined an underground, pig worshiping, Italian cult. While most of my friends had plastered their walls with photos of pop bands and celebrity crushes, I had overwhelming collections dedicated to pigs and Italy. However, being surrounded by posters and figurines did not satisfy my interests; I needed to better explore, connect with and understand my passions through experience. My pursuit of these seemingly unrelated interests have created life experiences that ultimately make the qualified law school applicant I am today.

Determined to own a pig, I joined the local 4-H when I was 9 years old. Disregarding the swine program's objective, to raise and auction off a pig at the county fair nine months later, I developed an immediate bond with Spamela Lee that equally satisfied her expanding waistline as it did my desire for experience. There were moments where I wished to be free of the hefty responsibility of raising a pig as a fourth grader, yet, when auction day rolled around, the sense of loss and betrayal I felt for leading Spamela to slaughter made my stomach church. Struggling to control my emotions, I tapped Spamela into and around the viewing ring to the auctioneer's chant. Those few minutes while I was both performing for the crowd and betraying something I had grown so fond of, an uncontrollable fuel ignited within me. The burning fire swelled, spreading into a defining moment of advocacy. On July 25th, 1997, I vowed to never eat pig again, and I have kept to that vow to this day.

As this experience proved that my determination could turn a fantasy into a reality, I was convinced to pursue aspirations of greater difficulty. When I first stepped foot onto Italian soil at the age of thirteen, I knew that this foreign land would one day be home. That moment influenced a passion for Italianism, which created unfulfilled desire and stimulation for a smell, culture, and association I had not yet fully experienced. Knowing this infatuation would not subside until I was entirely emerged in Italian society, I took the first opportunity and transferred as a sophomore from University of Washington in Seattle to The American University of Rome.

My life quickly adapted to waking to arguing soccer fanatics, mastering the appropriate hand movements while conversing in Italian, and falling asleep nightly to my neighbors' serenades. These experiences, along with studying International Relations and Communications and befriending local nomads and immigrant peddlers, informed me of the clout, culture has on its community and the injustices that can arise. This exposure influenced my newfound awareness to act as a definitive filter on my life's perspective, which consequently complicated my return to the insular community of my youth and broadened the extent of my desires.

After completing three semesters in Rome, I knew it was time to move on to a stronger, more promising educational experience. My fervency led me to complete a degree in Cultural and Media Studies at The New School in New York City where I was drawn to courses relating to gender, equality and representation. Taking advantage of this stimulating city, I advanced these interests and interned at The White House Project on the fundraising team and at Priority Films marketing Holly, a film relaying the story of a sex trafficking victim. Working at these non-profits, both advocating gender equality, functioned as an exemplar that accentuated my passion and clarified its necessary course to become a human rights advocate.

To satisfy this internal drive, I need to embody the relevant explorations, connections and understandings that fulfill the yearnings, which advance me toward this dream. As I have previously sought out and used inspiration and willingness to explore my pig and Italian infatuations, I am determined to acquire and utilize any skill that increases my ability to practice and achieve equal human rights.

Attending a law school that extensively integrates public interest and clinical training programs as relevant as an International Women Human Rights Clinic authenticates the possibility to attain and offer sustainable, resolute justice. To undergo such a curriculum, which prides itself on social justice and public interest law and urges legal reform in order to maintain egalitarianism, provides the experience, skills and inspiration necessary to succeed toward fulfilling my passion. For this reason, I am readily eager to embark, persevere and succeed through the most encompassing, promising opportunity to accomplish this dream, XXX School of Law.
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Nov 10, 2009   #2
Hi Ashlyn,

I must say, I've never read anything quite like your opening sentence in an admissions essay or personal statement. You know, I think that's a good thing--I like it! :)

However, upon further investigation, I think the opening of your second paragraph is just as attention-grabbing. My main caveat for law school statements is that they can really take any form, and they should. Think of them as an advanced, elevated incarnation of the college essay. They don't require a ton of expert positioning and strategy (like an MBA program), so you don't necessarily need to convey your specific goals in the legal field. You just need to flex your analytical muscle and showcase your writing abilities. All that being said, I would do the following to streamline this essay and give it more polish:

-Cut the opening paragraph completely. It provides a vague, superfluous overview for the structure of your essay, and you don't need it.

-Create a stronger thread between 'swine' and Italy between P2 and P3 (which will become P1 and P2). How did your interesting in raising pigs defy your insular community's expectations? How might your life have contrasted the lives of others your age, in your town??? From there, you can make a more logical leap on why you chose to reconnect with your heritage (or just connect with another heritage?) and again, break boundaries and convention.

-Your transfer path confuses me. University of Washington. American University of Rome. Then you finished a degree in NYC? Make sure this path is clear in your essay.

-I love your major and how it relates to your path! Your story is one that hinges on breaking boundaries, challenging the status quo, and thinking about issues from a high level. Actually, all these themes can really be traced throughout all your choices, in the most subtle, refreshing and authentic way. Fabulous work.

-Is this just a general law school personal statement? Does the prompt literally ask 'why you want to go to law school?' To my knowledge, it probably does not. To that end, I want you to streamline the final paragraphs and omit the 'why law school' part entirely:

"Having been able to pursue my interests, thus determining my loyalty to victims of captivity and efforts for egalitarianism, has spurred my desire to use my experiences to help the powerless and downtrodden to discover and nurse their own flames. My undergraduate education was the spark that ignited this internal passion and law school is the fuel I need to feed this flame and let it accentuate and persist. As I took the initiative and joined 4-H in order to raise a pig to satisfy my infatuation and later left the comforts and familiarities of the States to immerse myself in a culture I fantasized over, I aspire to attend law school and take a step closer to fulfilling a life goal craving to be satisfied."

Unlike the rest of your essay, this feels forced, contrived. I think what you should do is evaluate your own path. As I mention above, distill the themes of pushing your limitations, fighting convention and satiating your intellectual curiosity. In many ways, your fight for gender equality is not far removed from your earliest choices--and what I want to see is a broad reflection on your life and the forces that drive you, not a stilted case for 'why law school.' In the end, I think this angle will make a more compelling case, and absolutely preserve what is so great about your writing.

That's my perspective--hope it helps!!

All the best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 11, 2009   #3
Walking into my childhood room might make you wonder if I had joined an underground pig worshiping Italian cult.

Thank you for bringing some happiness to my work day. Ha ha, I often try to help people come up with good narrative hooks... but never one as good as this.

Hyphenate pig-worshiping.

Hahahahhaahaha...

This ends kind of abruptly.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 13, 2009   #5
You know, there is a technique used in hypnosis called "age regression," and it involves saying something to the subconscious mind that reminds it of childhood. I think you might hypnotize the reader a little with that first line: Walking into my childhood room ... wonder...

That is powerful!

Look up hypnosis age regression
lawschool2010 1 / 6  
Nov 21, 2009   #6
First of all would like to say that I love the beginning part of your statement , it really caught my attention.

The only feedback I have is on your transition from your determination for advocacy and your love of italy. It seems a bit abrupt to make such a quick change. Perhaps you can find a way to make it flow better.

Also, when you say, "i vowed to never eat another pig and I never have", after it ends the next sentence should begin a NEW paragraph.

Overall great statement. I too am applying to law school, so I know how tough this is!

Good luck!
OP AshlynMarquez 1 / 3  
Dec 9, 2009   #7
Law School Personal Statement

Thank you for the previous help! I have edited it and have come to nearing (hopefully) my final edit

This personal essay is very broad. But I plan to alter the last paragraph to each school, or make it generic.

"Your personal statement is a vehicle to tell us about yourself, your background, your achievements, and other factors you want us to consider in evaluating you for admission."
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 10, 2009   #8
Hey, you didn't take my advice about hyphenating pig-worshiping, ha ha. Do you know something I don't know about pig-worship? Ha ha. I also recommend this sequence change:

Walking into my childhood room might make one wonder if I had joined an underground, Italian pig-worshiping cult.

I don't actually recommend it; I just think it flows a little better. Great sentence, ha ha.

With this sentence, you might consider changing "kept to" to something like adhered or upheld, or some similarly interesting word: On July 25th, 1997, I vowed to never eat pig again, and I have kept to that vow to this day.---> however, it is just an idea I'm contributing and not necessarily better. Most important is keeping this aligned with your personality.

This sentence I do not like as much as the rest of the essay: To satisfy this internal drive, I need to embody the relevant explorations, connections and understandings that fulfill the yearnings, which advance me toward this dream.----> It's too general... fulfilling yearnings and whatnot. To embody exploration is also a little strange. I wonder if you can rewrite this sentence in a way that is more productive about creating an experience for the reader.

Kind regards!

:-)
lovelyannalove 1 / 2  
Dec 31, 2009   #9
"...betrayal I felt for leading Spamela to slaughter made my stomach church." look at wording - church?

I would say to integrate law and any legal history/desire into your statement a little more and/or earlier on if possible. One day you love pigs and Italy and the next day that equates to law how? You want to be part of representing women in non-profits? Why do you need a law degree for that when a BS in Social Work will do? Make them know you want to go above and beyond, and only by having a degree from their school can that happen. From what I understand you want to be a leader in representing the less fortunate using your determination and strong desires to shine a light on issues that have thus far held a lesser public focus. Make them think you will be Joan of Ark, only, with pigs in your office ;)

Defiantly an attention getter!
smallick13 - / 26  
Jan 6, 2010   #10
where is this going to? if its an ivy it will not work but otherwise i would keep it.


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