Dear All,
Could you please help to proofread my essay? I am not a native speaker and I feel I tend to overuse spoken language in my writings.
Plus, I have a word limit of 300 but my essay is 330 words. Would much appreciate your suggestion on how make it shorter but more coherent.
Many thanks !!!!
What are you most passionate about and why? (300 word maximum)
When I was a little girl, I wanted to become somebody who can change the world, like the Wright brothers, who invented the airplane and conquered the sky. Growing up, having seen when I saw the immensity of this world and perceived my own limitations, many times I wondered wonders if my childhood dream is just a fancy imagination. I'm still looking for an answer, but I've also learned realized that "no good change is too small to make this world better".
Why changes? Strangely I feel I'm more myself as I'm changing. I find happiness in overcoming the intellectual and emotional challenges to bring about improvements, such as dropping overcoming or casting off a bad habit or setting up rectifying a procedure to increase my team's efficiency. The passion for changes allows me to constantly redefine myself and push the boundaries of what's possible. Who am I if I'm no longer my past, and the present's "me" will not be the same in future? I am the one who always looks for the better.
Also, it's the fulfilling moments seeing the impacts I bring to others drive me to make changes At the age of 18, I moved out seeking independence from my parents. Now 28, I am leading a business line of my company and back to the family as the sole breadwinner. Taking higher responsibilities, I gradually see more tighten links with people around me: family, friends, colleagues, etc. I feel a desire to be an active element of an expanding network, I've gained confidence on my ability to make differences, and I take it as my mission to bring impacts to my community.
Is changing the world too big an ambition? Everyone has her or his his or her own influence to the world, and what I've seen is that influencing power can grow stronger with willingness and efforts to change for better. I may not take the path reach the distance the Wright's traveled traversed, but my passion is leading me on the right track to pursuit pursue my dream, I believe!
Dear Tran,
Meaning of 3rd para is not clear. Please reframe it. I have tried making few other changes, please review it-
Growing up, having seen when I saw the immensity of this world and perceived my own limitations, many times I wondered wonders if my childhood dream is just a fancy imagination. I'm still looking for an answer, but I've also learned realized that "no good change is too small to make this world better".
s]Who am I if I'm no longer my past, and the present's "me" will not be the same in future? (Remove this line to achieve your word limitation; I think it's not needed)
Also, it's the fulfilling moments seeing the impacts ...
(Could you please tell what do you mean in the aforementioned paragraph, it's confusing.).
Everyone has her or his his or her (It's a matter of style of writing and not gender bias.) own influence to the world...
I may not take the path reach the distance the Wright'straveled traversed, but my passion is leading me on the right track to pursuit pursue my dream, I believe!
Thanks!!!
Hi Rajesh,
Thanks a lot for your reply.
Basically the first paragraph is about changing myself. The second one is about changing others.
What I mean in the second paragraph is explaining about another motivation for me to make changes, which is I want to make changes because I want to see the result that my community getting better. I elaborate this point by explaining that I have developed the care for others, how my impact to others have been growing, and that I have the ability to bring changes to my community.
Wondering if it's clear to you now? I have been staring at this essay for days and I almost have no idea of what I've written now.
