The following is the main part of my personal statement,and the end is not yet written.I'll complete it latter.The essay is used for applying for master prgram of Finance.Please help me revise it.THANKS!
The first time I went into finance was about 9 years ago，when I was 15.As the founder of DE,a local youth society，I designed a short-time loan service program named Handy Cash to obtain cash to maintain the society.
Firstly,I found the specific background allowed Handy Cash to make profits.Mahjong was popular in my hometown,like poker in the West.The number of M-Teahouses,where people play mahjong,was at least 4 times as that of restaurants.The players often borrowed money from the shopkeepers or bought cigarettes,beverages and snacks on credit when they lost. The amount of each debtor owe was small,from 50 to 200.Most of them were regular customers who lived or worked nearby.Generally they paid back within 3 days.
Secondly,what could we do under the background?We united all the 27 M-teahouses in a community to provide short-term loan service named Handy Cash and set up a service branch in every M-teahouse,which offered small loan to players.The shopkeepers began to refuse lending money and sell only for cash.Players could borrow money at simple interest 7% daily in the branches.The repayment period was 2 days.
Thirdly,how could we remain a high repayment rate?On one hand,because mortgages or guarantors were not required, to ensure repayment,we would post the debtors' name on the blackboards hanging on the outer wall of M-Teahouses if they didn't pay back in time.No one wanted their names to be seen by their workmates or neighbours on the blackboards.On the other hand,I started pilot program in 5 branches randomly selected at first.The players got the loan amount deducted interest of two days when borrowing.Imagine a situation,when a player signed an IOU note for 100yuan,the guy only got 86 yuan(interest for two days had been deducted from 100yuan),which was enough to pay to winners.If he repay the next day,he only pay 93 yuan to settle the debt,less than the face value100 yuan printed on the IOU.If he choose to repay on the third day,he just need to pay 100 yuan ,which is equal to the face value.After 4 monthes,through comparing the data I found the repayment rate in pilot program was approximate 2 percents higher that in other branches.While the total lending was slightly less(about 4 percents)in the five.Apparently,the higher real interest rate and repayment rate covered the loss caused by less lending and reduced the risk.Then the new method was applied in all the 27 branches.
In the following 9 years，I have held many positions in different fields. Most of them were unsuccessful experiences.Through the failures ,I found that finance is a cornerstone to the success or failure of business.Among the expericences,Handy Cash is the one that let me feel stimulation and a sense of accomplishment.Gradually,I began to pay more attention to finance and make prepare to get into it. I found my interest growing, the more I learned about Financial.At the same time I become clear about what I want to do in this field.
Hei there and welcome to EF! :D
Before I say anything else: On your keyboard you will notice a longer ... um, key that usually goes by the name of "space bar". Now, usually you hit that bar when you want to separate two words or sentences and such. For example: I went for a walk._ On the way I met her. or I have no idea,_ but you can ask her about it. or Many species of birds_ (e.g.:_ pelicans)_ migrate to the South during winter.
I know that you might be asking yourself: "Is this such a big deal?" And the answer is: yes, it is a big deal. It is very tiring for someone to read a sloppy written text, so, for your own good, take this advice into careful consideration.
While I really liked your essay, I think you should mention in the last paragraph some of your future goals so that the reader can see that you clearly have some plans for upcoming years.
Thank you very much! I'll definitely take your advice!
As for the last sentence " At the same time I become clear about what I want to do in this field.", I want to express that I know what job I want to do in financial industry. I don't know how to put it into exact words.Please help me!
