I am in bit of a dire need of editing regarding my statement of purpose. I'm currently applying to Physician Assistant programs across the US and am asked to fill out a statement of purpose with the prompt "What motivates you to be a Physician Assistant."
Please please PLEASE let me know what you guys think and if there are any edits I can make to make this a stronger paper.
My first memories of Physician Assistants were not happy ones. It was eight years ago; I was a teenager and my grandmother had just been diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. Her diagnosis was unexpected and left her having to rely on others for her care. After years of treatment, her breast cancer began to spiral out of control and despite several rounds of chemotherapy, led to a mastectomy of both of her breasts and ultimately loss of her life two years later. The treatment took an emotional toll on her character that was reflected in her moods throughout the long months. So, all the memories of this time were unhappy ones. Despite that, and perhaps because of it, I remember the care provided by the PAs at MD Anderson: their support through her many trips to their institution; the genuine compassion they displayed for my grandmother, and the dedicated level of care they provided her. It's something that has been and will continue to inspire me in my efforts to be an important factor in the health care field.
What I have known about myself for some time is that I have always had a strong liking for health sciences and fields involving patient care. These characteristics ultimately lead me to a degree in Biology and were subsequently the driving force in my involvement with volunteer work, research, and clinical patient care. During my undergraduate years as a student, I became involved with multiple volunteer experiences to promote awareness for diseases such as breast cancer and heart disease. I also took part in being a volunteer for the Medical Benevolence Foundation, where I spent time aiding with the supplement of medical supplies, technologies, and food to developing and impoverished nations. From these experiences, I feel I was granted a closer look at the hardships the ill endured on a daily basis. I was able to hear many of their stories: what their families collectively went through, and their aspirations to overcome their illnesses. These encounters inspired me, and reinforced my commitment to become a PA in the health care field.
Since graduation, I have taken my academic knowledge and experiences in shadowing and have applied them to cancer research at the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center. Thus far, I have developed multiple clinical assays for one of the nation's largest diagnostic labs specializing in oncology, which are being used as detection and screening tools for mutations within patient genomes. The assays I have developed have included the Detection of GNAS complex locus (GNAS), Wilms Tumor 1 (WT1), Tumor Protein 53 (TP53), Phosphatase and tensin homolog (PTEN), DNA (cytosine-5) methyltransferase 3A (DNMT3A), Fibroblast Growth Factor Receptor (FGFR), and Tyrosine kinase, non-receptor, 2 (TNK2) mutations by methods of Sanger Sequencing, High Resolution Melt Analysis, and SequenomŽ MassARRAY. I have been granted acceptance for publication in The Journal of Molecular Diagnostics and for poster presentation by the Association for Molecular Pathology as first author for my work in the Identification of Rare Mutations in Cancers While Screening for High Frequency Mutations Using SequenomŽ MassARRAY System. My contributions towards the cancer field have undoubtedly stemmed from my own personal experiences regarding my grandmother, those who I have helped through the Medical Benevolence Foundation, and the many I have had the pleasure of interacting with during my volunteer work.
As a result, I am ambitious in pursuing a career as a Physician Assistant working in the field of Oncology. Coupled with this are also deep interests in the fields of Pediatrics, Radiation Oncology, and Cardiology. Being a PA, almost uniquely, provides the flexibility to pursue my interest in all these fields without compromise, using my knowledge and expertise to aid in a variety of specialties. I am intrigued by the idea of working uniformly with physicians on a health care team and find that I possess unique interpersonal qualities that will allow me to thrive as a Physician Assistant, and as a support figure for patients and their families throughout the disease process. Due to my current and past experiences, I feel that I understand the role of a Physician Assistant on a health care team and their ability to directly impact patient care. Further, I find that my passion for the sciences is supportive of and very much parallel to my love for humanity. Likewise, I feel, and believe my accomplishments demonstrate, that I hold the maturity, aspiration, and capability to perform exceptionally well in this field.
Hei there and welocme to EF! :D
I really enjoyed your essay. Perfect structure, proper length and an original introduction.
However, I am not really liking that third paragraph where you break the flow of the essay with that long enumeration. From what I have read, I saw you also send a resume along with your statement of purpose, so perhaps you should leave some of the "cold" facts out and talk more about how you felt upon discovering so many things. Imagine the last two paragraphs as the boom! of your essay. They need to make the reader jaw-drop. So, work a bit on the fact:emotion proportion.
..., her breast cancer began to spiral out of control and, despite several rounds of chemotherapy, led to ...
Likewise, I feel, and believe my accomplishments demonstrate,(no comma here) that I hold the maturity, aspiration, and capability to perform exceptionally well in this field. -- I don't get the "likewise" at the beginning. Likewise in what way to what previous statement? Also, I'd leave the colon after feel out there's no reason for it there (I'd actually cut "feel" from the sentence too, to avoid a slight repetition.)
Good luck!
Thank you so much for the feedback. A co-worker actually told me the same thing, that the third paragraph just seemed too much like a CV listing rather than why I really want to be a PA.
I'm going to re-edit this essay and I'll post the changes back so you can tell me what to think.
At this point, I'm really needing all the help I can get and you seem to be awesome at giving advice : ]
THANKS!
