I excelled in mathematics and IT; SOP for Ms in Information Technology.

Hello,

This is my final version of SOP, which i been working on over past 2 months. I would like it if you can read it and give me any feed back to either to improve or edit it out

The seeds of my love for computers were first planted during my middle school years, when I excelled in mathematics and information technology. My teachers noticed my aptitude early on and fostered my talents in this area, so that initial interest developed into a professional dream.

My first steps on this career path began after high school when I completed a year-long I.T. fundamental course at a local college and then transferred to the University of West Indies, Western Jamaica Campus. Majoring in Management Information Systems was a highly educational experience from me, as I learned not only the technical skills I would need for a career in the IT field but also the jargon and industry specifics that would aid me in my future endeavors.

Recently, I completed a final-year group project to create a timetable/room scheduling system aimed at replacing an Excel process that was long and error-prone. As the group leader, I assigned tasks and oversaw all aspects of the project including coding, testing and documentation. We delivered an accurate, portable, scalable, robust, user-friendly system that surpassed the general expectations of the designated user, we were publicly acknowledged for most outstanding and creative system. This experience and feeling of fulfillment, along with others in my discipline of information systems, has helped hone my desire to focus on the user experience and database management in particular.

Along with the knowledge I have garnered through education, I bring business skills amassed from serving as an assistant manager in a retail setting and founding my own business which I use to support my academic pursuits. In addition, I have also worked on organizing events and leading classroom activities in a voluntary capacity.

My commitment to the community can be seen through my volunteer work with multiple organizations. One activity where I had the opportunity to blend my love for technology and my passion for helping others was when I joined the University of West Indies WJC's efforts to visit impoverished neighborhoods and instruct children on basic computer functionality twice a month.

My goal in pursuing a graduate degree in Information Technology is to advance my technical skills and business knowledge so I can serve as a leading business analyst in the IT industry. Due to the fact that my current branch of the University Western Jamaica campus lacks a stable database system for student records, I have personally witnessed the inconveniences and problems this creates. Therefore, I have strong interest in stable, reliable database creation and implementation, particularly for campuses, businesses, and governments of less developed nations. In the long run, I would love the chance to branch out into the technology management field where I could help firms in the development of their short- and long-term technological roadmaps and strategies.

Having instructed Information Technology to high school students and served in a leadership capacity in both classroom and campus settings, I believe I am well qualified to contribute to your graduate program as a teaching or research assistant should I be called upon to do so. Furthermore, I eagerly await the opportunity to work on different aspects of the research process involving database design and development.

I have the steadfast belief that I will prove to be an invaluable addition to your graduate program and that your university's program will serve as another solid step on the path of my professional pursuits. I hereby respectfully request that you consider my application with the greatest regard and care as I hope to meet with you soon, so that we may discuss the opportunities offered by your program in greater detail. I earnestly anticipate your response.

It's a very moving essay and I'm sure you will get into the school you want to

Thank you.

Avoid flowery statements or metaphors. Stating that you have a "love for" anything is a tad corny. You want to come across as a serious and motivated individual.


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Again ...Is there another way you can say this?


Eliminate unnecessary wording such as "I believe" statements


Same issue as before. Why not just state " I will be an invaluable..."



Apologies if I sounded harsh. I can honestly say that this is one of the better statements I have ever read in terms of content (the writing could be clearer). You sound skilled and can back up your interests with concrete accomplishments. Furthermore, you reflect on your experiences and sound intelligent. Rework your somewhat bland introduction cheesy and be wary of those "I have always loved..." statements. Your experience speaks for itself.

happy_bons
Honestly i love you for being straightforward with me and you are just trying to help me so need for any apologies. Thank you, i will correct all that you have stated. Really appreciate it!

You are very welcome. I sincerely hope you get in!