"the Dance team talents" - Major obstacles faced in life and how you overcame them

This was one of the essays for the Krannert school of Managemen(Purdue University). Any advice or corrections would be appreciated.

Describe a major obstacle you have faced in your professional, academic, or personal life. How did you overcome this obstacle? How did this experience foster your personal and professional development? Limit your response to no more than 500 words.

I was shocked to see him judging my talents as one of the members of the Dance team. He auditioned along with me at the end of the previous year. The graduating seniors in the dance team did not select anybody and told us there would be fresh auditions at the beginning year. I learnt he got in through seniority. I have been dancing since high school and have won prizes for both Individual and Group performances. I was good at academics and would perform well at extracurricular activities too. I enjoyed the feeling and the fame. Being a part of the dance team at university level would be much better than school level. There was still one position left on the University dance team and I wanted to be in badly. I performed very well at the auditions but I learnt after a couple of days that another senior member was chosen.

I was very dejected but I still wanted to be a part of the cultural team. I started practicing on my other hobby - playing guitar. I practiced well for a few months and then auditioned for the university band. I was told that practice for competitions would begin in a month. But after a month I was informed that they found another guitarist. It was very painful when I realised that I was not able to make it to the university's light music band or the dance team. I stopped dancing and playing guitar for a while. After a few weeks I started playing my guitar again. I felt happier started learning more songs. But it was different this time. This time I did not practice and play because I wanted to get into the band. This time I practiced because I wanted to become better and it made me feel good. I did not do it for the fame.

This was a great learning experience for me. I learnt that there would always be ups and downs in a person's life and that we would not always get what we want. I realised that no matter what hardships we face it is always important to move forward, adapt ourselves and not to let go of what we cherish. I continued playing guitar as a hobby even while working after graduation. Then a day came when my clients from USA arrived here in India and we had a huge bash at a beach resort. My company called for auditions for Music, acting and many other shows. I auditioned again and this time I was selected and I had the opportunity to collaborate with a professional band and sing and play my guitar before a crowd of 700-800 people. It was one the best feelings I have experienced.

I dont like how short and choppy your sentances are: give more details and flow more. But i do like your topic, and want to see what else you can do with it! :)

This is a place to use "had"

He had auditioned along with me ...

...my clients from the United States arrived here in India and we had a huge bash at a beach resort.

My company called for auditions for m usic, acting, and many other shows types of entertainment.

commas:
I auditioned again, and this time I was selected, and I had the opportunity to collaborate with a professional band and sing and play my guitar before a crowd of 700-800 people.

Excellent! I love the way this essay builds tension and then gives resolution. Hey, it does not matter what other people choose; you can create your music and record it, and it will be around forever. Get audacity! I am glad you got that experience of playing in front of a large audience.

:-)

I'll try and improve on the flow and connect a few short choppy sentences. Thanks a lot for your feedback Elizabeth.

Kevin,
Thanks a lot for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
And I am checking out the link you posted. :)

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