"a contribution to society" - Physician Assistant Application - Personal Statement

I would really appreciate some productive comments to the essay below for Physician Assistant applications
Thank you in advance.
Kind Regards,
Spencer

The floor started to elevate, the walls closed in and everything turned a brilliant and sparkling white. I knew I needed to look away but I couldn't take my eyes off of the blood. I leaned up against the wall, consciously breathing deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth but it seemed to make things worse. Finally, I looked away. Dialysis is not for the weak. Watching a Slurpee straw size needle "suck" an entire body of blood out of another human is jolting, but I was hooked. In the Intensive Care Unit, I became totally taken by Bill who had tumors down his entire spine. Incapable of walking, breathing speaking, or moving on his own, he still had care in his eyes. Every time I walked into the room, I could tell this was a wonderful man trapped in his own body. After this hospital internship as a junior in high school, I knew I wanted to be in health care.

One year later: Most vividly, I remember an intense rattling of metal. It could have been a grocery cart with loose wheels or a bicycle but I didn't have time to think clearly before the girl in front of me was hurled into the air, landing face down on the pavement. While the reaction of countless other witnesses was shock, I instinctively dropped my belongings and ran to the victim. Although it was painfully obvious there was nothing medically I could do to help her, I sat and spoke with her until the EMTs arrived only to learn later that a close friend was behind the wheel of the car that broke her pelvis and both femurs. Though I was already on the path, this monumental event in my life marked the solidification of my desire to be in health care.

The Athletic Training/Exercise Science major I attended at Ithaca College was an invaluable experience. Athletic Training was a highly demanding program which required many dedicated hours beyond the typical college workload. As an Athletic Trainer, I was responsible for the physical well-being of hundreds of athletes over thousands of clinical hours throughout my college career. The commitment exceeded time and studying; it was a commitment to people who relied on me. Assisting an athlete through an injury or illness requires a combination of emotional and physical support. Thus, my experience went beyond classroom hours because much of the knowledge I gained could not be taught through lecture or reading. The sensitivity to mood, body language, physical and emotional changes I have are inherent. Though these are only a fraction of the necessary tools to be a Physician Assistant, they are imperative. Despite my current regret of not pursuing Physician Assistant education out of high school, I gained the personal experiences through Athletic Training to further pique my interest in becoming a Physician Assistant.

The final driving force to become a Physician Assistant came through my personal struggle with stress fractures and Osteopenia. After being diagnosed with stress fractures of both femurs and, subsequently, Osteopenia at age 20, I graduated from college and began work at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York City. As an Orthotic and Prosthetic practitioner, I worked with a group of highly respected Orthopaedic Surgeons. One in particular heard about my diagnosis and immediately placed me in a study regarding the cause of early onset Osteoporosis. Through this study, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease; a diagnosis the original Physician never even came close to scraping the surface of. It occurred to me that there are too many health care professionals diagnosing symptoms caused by a deeper disease but they are too busy, or don't care enough, to get to the root of the problem. The encouragement of that mentoring Physician has stuck with me and I trust that I can pass this, and much more, on as a Physician Assistant to my patients and to aspiring Physician Assistants.

I believe being a Physician Assistant goes beyond simply treating symptoms to a deeper level of understanding, knowledge and a willingness to learn. Any good health care professional has an inherent compassion for their patients and a demeanor which encompasses both knowledge and instincts. Most importantly, I believe that being a Physician Assistant is a contribution to society and I am eager to afford my contribution to society as a quality, Physician Assistant.

I'm not a teacher.

Very good! And, I just wanted to say I admire not just your but the medical field as a whole for their contributions to human-kind.

Back on topic.


You should re-write what is in red because it does not follow the tone set for the rest of your essay.


Just a suggestion, short and sweet.


In the bolded you leave an answered, or open, question about who the "close friend" is. You do not address who the friend belongs to. If, it is your friend then say, "...to find out that my close friend.." or, "..to find out that her close friend.."


Hope this helped, good luck.

Thank you for your comments. I have made all of the changes (and then some).

Wow, Spencer, that is one great paragraph... the intro, I mean. The last part of the last sentence could be expressed in a better way, I guess, but what great paragraph that is. How about doing this a little differently:

Every time I walked into the room, I could tell this was a wonderful man trapped in his own body. After this hospital internship as a junior in high school, I knew I wanted to be in health care. I crossed out the boring part! :-)

End that paragraph with a bang... with imagery words and action verbs.

You have a great writing style. One weird quirk I have is that I think it is better not to capitalize physician's assistant... I don't even know how to explain why. It seems better not to capitalize, though I know many people would disagree with me.

I believe being a Physician Assistant goes beyond simply treating symptoms to a deeper level of understanding, knowledge and a willingness to learn. -----And here is the only other part I don't like. I mean, I like all of it -- you really are talented in writing... but this part is sort of meaningless. I mean, it is obvious. Hit the reader with an idea that is more poignant and memorable.