Personnal Statement for University of Melbourne

Please advice me on the following

A university education is one of the most important goals in the life of an individual in the twenty first century, this is because of the opportunities it endows on one with respect to one's livelihood as well as the highly competitive world of the job market. Employers are looking not just fort technical skills and knowledge of a degree discipline but rather they particularly value skills such as communication, team working, objectivity, problem solving as well as effective time management. All of these are mainly part of what one will gain in the process of studying for a university degree.

SEE BELOW

*Look, your personal statement is way too vague.
You show no interest in the subject it is you want to study, and you show no interest as to why you would want to study that subject at te University of Melbourne.
Your essay needs a lot of improvement. A lot.

A revised draft..... some thing improved???? need your advice....


A university education is one of the most important goals in the life of an individual in the twenty first century, this is because of the opportunities it endows on one with respect to one's livelihood as well as the highly competitive world of the job market. Employers are looking not just fort technical skills and knowledge of a degree discipline but rather they particularly value skills such as communication, team working, objectivity, problem solving as well as effective time management. All of these are mainly part of what one will gain in the process of studying for a university degree. A degree in Finance will improve all of the aforementioned performance areas.
The courses offered by this program which are related to Econometrics, International Business Finance, Financial Institutions Management (this is a very import subject in view of recent collapse of financial institutes across the globe) and Advanced Derivative Securities will give me an edge in my home country where these subjects are virtually non existent and will enable me take a lead role in the upcoming and emerging financial market of my country.
In today's world of modern financial technology, studying such an exhaustive course of Master of Commerce (Finance) will provide me with the prerequisite needed in the highly competitive world of professionals. The course number 333–626 Research Report (Finance) will enable me to gain an improved information handling skill such as researching, analyzing and presentation. The field work for this report will require me to take seasoned perspective on numerous topics while taking into account others' perspectives. My ability to communicate, manage time effectively, meet deadlines, juggles commitments and work with people of different cultures will be enhanced. All of which are valuable assets to have in the workplace where roles and relationships come from different part of the world.
Melbourne is a city of which welcomes and attracts people from all parts of the world. People of Melbourne are full of life that welcome people from around the world and respect the freedom of the individual, beliefs and opinion. The weather of the city is more or less like my home country so I will feel "at home" while in Melbourne.
Learning from the experience of Noble Laureates is a rare opportunity in one's educational life and University of Melbourne provides this rare opportunity to its students. Melbourne is recognized internationally for its academic and research excellence and its leadership in linking with industry in research centers of strategic national importance —including partnerships in 22 Cooperative Research Centers and a founding partnership in Bio21.
University of Melbourne holds a legacy of over 150 years of research and education. The University maintains its position as Australia's leading Research University, based on all of the Australian Government's four key indices of university research performance. Being the member of APRU means the University is one of the leading universities of Australia and the region employing the best of the state student and research facilities. It is a global university which is reflected in its student and faculty which belong from varied cultures across the world. It is one of the leading researches University of the World which is proven by the fact that University of Melbourne is member of Universitas 21.

I agree with Liebe:

A university education is one of the most important goals in the life of an individual in the twenty first century, this is because of the opportunities it endows on one with respect to one's livelihood as well as the highly competitive world of the job market. Employers are looking not just fort technical skills and knowledge of a degree discipline but rather they particularly value skills such as communication, team working, objectivity, problem solving as well as effective time management. All of these are mainly part of what one will gain in the process of studying for a university degree. A degree in Finance will improve all of the aforementioned performance areas.

None of this is necessary. They know very well what individuals in the 21st century need. The subject of this essay is you. The purpose of the introduction is to introduce you. You do not appear here at all except peripherally and presumably as among the billions of people now alive in the 21st century.

Next, you go on to tell them what courses they offer. They can read the course catalog and, indeed, don't need to do so since they devised the curricula. Nor do they need you to tell them about the awards they have won. The subject of the essay is supposed to be you.

Start over.

Choose a quality or set of qualities that you want the admissions officer to know about you. Decide what experiences you have had that show these qualities. Write up anecdotes about these experiences and write a new essay centered around them.