Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reforms and a good President.
^You should say why. What is wrong with the current economic policies and the President?
I am the emerging leader, someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency, someone with many of the skills and characteristics necessary for such an achievement, but not yet someone who has done more than win student-level awards and elections.
^Wow, I read above that there were some comments suggesting that you should implement modesty in your essay. Here, you just praise yourself. You also make it sound as if starting a new governmental party can be done very easily and the process of gaining presidency is rather unchallenging. At least, that is what I interpet.
I would say, remove this entire part. You compliment yourself and you do not come across as someone that understands the complexities of a position in the government.
Leading people is my talent.
^
I can not wait to read the next sentence :)
During my school years, I dedicated most of my time to the student organization "Moving Forward", editing which focused on editing our the school's monthly student newspaper and building it's website. Nowadays I am advising advise the current President of this student body on all organizations and multimedia questions.
^
All organizations? Ranging from Anti-Gay rights to Unicef?
Wow, that is impressive.
Our biggest achievement has been to put together the university referendum and bring on a new university constitution.
^'Our': Was this the student organisation's achievement, or yours and the current President's achievement?
**You never really talked about how leading people is your talent. You just mentioned consultation and how you were part of some student organisation.
As someone in charge of media, I work with the US embassy in implementing our mission to make every student academically honest.
Charisma, willingness and self confidence made me the head of my faculty at Kyrgyz Economic University.
^Can you develop, on what made you so charismatic?
Together with peers we organized concerts, competitions, debates, trainings and interactive games.
^
Who is 'we'
Such activities started when I was 15 and teacher staff relied on me and chose me to participate in interactive show on national channel to represent my school.
^Revise your grammar.
I had excellent knowledge of Mathematics, History and Geography.
^
Really? Prove it.
Sports activities are important for to me because I strongly believe "A sound mind in a sound body". That is why I was part of basketball team of high school #27 and the swimming team of Kyrgyz Economic University. I won the Award from Bishkek city mayor for the best song at the national interuniversity festival "Bishkek Spring-2007". Everything mentioned above has made me comprehensively developed and opened for every new experience so that I can easily make friends with every person.
^LOL. comprehensively developed? What???
Every new experience? Geez. Make friends with every person? Man, it takes more than just to play basketball, swim, and song in a competition to be able to make such grand claims. It kind of also depends on your personality, rather than your activities. The activities however, can develop aspects of your personality.
The best of the best students from all around Kyrgyzstan came to the international scientific student conference at International University of Kyrgyzstan in 2007.
^
Some parts needs caps locks. How are these students the best? Academically? Sports? Both?
I was one of them reporting about "Developing Economy of the Kyrgyzstan after revolution in 2005". My critical skills helped me to answer all questions from committee and the smartest students. I found out solutions to local problems using very good analytical skills.
^....
Finally I won the Diploma of the 1st degree and my report was chosen to be published.
^K, that is impressive and should be developed on. You can use this, and use it to back up your claims on how you are 'the best'.
It is known that the UK has got world recognition as a powerful democratic civilization with a strong economic position.
^So does America....
The UK education system is totally different from that of Kyrgyz and more challenging.
^
How is it more challenging?
The University of Oxford University will be the best place to attain education, international experience, and an opportunity to explore more different ideas, discover new things and advantageous knowledge as well.
I hope University of Oxford will be eager to be part of the process by helping to educate an emerging leader such as me.
^Universities such as Oxford love to educate people who can emerge as leaders in the future. You are suggesting you are already a leader. Do not do this. Say how you are in the process of developing your leadership skills, and how you want to develop them further. If you are such a 'complete leader', why on earth would you need Oxford. Hitler never needed a University degree.
Also, it is Oxford University.
Also, what is different from being educated at Oxford, than perhaps, University of Manchester? Both are in the UK, and studying in the UK was a strong point to you...
What can Oxford offer, that perhaps Manchester, or other Unis in UK, can not?
After graduation, I would like to work at the World Bank in Kyrgyzstan to reduce poverty and contribute to sustainable development. I have helped hundreds of my relatives and friends because "There may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." George Morriam.
^
So what help did you give? I am led to believe that you just helped clear the table once in a while, seeing as how you did not actually mention any specific help you offered.
Most of them strongly believe that I could be very perspective president and they with their friends would vote for me.
^
Obviously. They are your close ones. When it comes to a Presidential election however, you do not just rely on your families and friends support.
These days I am working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.
^Like what?
K, you are part of a student group? Are you daring to suggest that that alone, is 'working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.'
I believe in God and hope to start a new party and one day gain the presidency to personally make a lasting difference in the lives of nearly 6 billion people around the world will live forever in me. "Change lives, change organizations, change the World".
^Lousy ending.
*Look dear,
If you are applying to Oxford for a grad program, then boy does this essay need CONSIDERABLE AMOUNTS of work. You present yourself as someone who thinks they are very capable, however offer very limited explanations on what makes you so capable.
Quite frankly, I thought your essay was garbage, especially for Oxford standards.
You talk about wanting to work at the World Bank, and then become President.
Many people have these aspirations, including myself, however I will not admit it on my essay unless I have proof to show that I am capable of getting these positions.
You talk about it as if it is an easy process.
You also talk about yourself as if you are the best.
These are not leadership qualities.
Your essay seems to lack focus and understanding of the future. You also do not talk about what subject you want to study and why.
This is a GRADUATE ESSAY FOR UK. You need to talk about what it is you want to study, and why and how it can help you. YOU DO NOT DO THAT AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL
If you really care about going to Oxford, show it.
For the most part, your grammar is quite weak, as evident from the lack of capitals at time and endless sentences which are in clear need of punctuation.
You are applying to Oxford. Brush up.
'The' Faisal Pasha, Essayforum.com Contributor |
