Hi guys. Could you please give me feedback on this essay? The limit is 1500 words and this essay is about 900 I believe. THANKS!
I have accepted everything life has thrown at me with an open mind and have taken everything as a learning experience. And finally, my patience has paid off. For the first time in my life, I am certain of what I want to do. I am certain of what path I want to choose and where that path will take me. And most of all, I am certain that I will enjoy this fascinating journey!
I have always been good with numbers and in fact spent hours trying to figure out advanced problems in high school. I was always in the top 5% of my class but Math remained my strongest suite. However, due to parental pressure, I opted for Pre-medicine in high school, somehow managed to move to Economics and Mathematics with my parents finally winning the war when I joined the ----- Engineering program at -----. During my time in college, I took higher level Math classes as my electives and minored in Business Management in order to get more exposure since I knew Engineering wasn't my cup of tea. I enjoyed the Marketing and Accounting classes that I took and hence after graduating, I decided to pursue my Masters in Management at ---- in hope of finding my true interests. The summer before I started, I took an internship in the Corporate Banking Division at Barclays Bank. This gave me an opportunity to work in a large organization and gain knowledge of credit risk and corporate lending. I learned to provide quantitative and qualitative analysis of credit applications and ensured that all compliance requirements were met by resolving all account discrepancies.
At -----, I have taken a variety of Economics, Finance and Accounting classes, spoken to various Professors and have heard reputable guests from the Finance Industry speak, all of which have led to the strengthening of my interest in Finance. Hence, I have decided to shift from a general management degree to a Masters of Science in Finance (MSF) in order to gain in-depth knowledge of the various aspects of Finance.
My initial goal immediately after the course is to obtain a position in Corporate Finance such as a Financial Analyst position to break into the financial industry. I hope that after some experience, I would be able to move into a more rigorous and demanding role such as that of an Associate. I also plan to get the Certified Financial Analyst (CFA) certification so I can obtain a better working knowledge of financial research analysis and enhance my credibility as a financial professional.
I hope that the MSF program at UIUC will teach me about current developments in finance. I hope to learn to make financial decisions under uncertainty such as how to evaluate if investment and financial policies maximize firm value and devise risk management strategies. The program would also be good preparation for the CFA exam and I would be able to gain expertise in complex mathematical and statistical methods.
I believe I would add great value to UIUC's MSF program by bringing my diverse educational background to the table. My engineering background, Finance and Accounting coursework, projects, past work experience and extra curricular activities have honed by analytical and problem solving abilities and have adequately prepared me for the challenging MSF journey. I have advanced my Microsoft Excel skills by learning to use Pivot Tables, Look Ups, Advanced Functions etc.
As an MSF student at UIUC, I won't be just a number. I would obviously be adding to the school's cultural diversity but I have more to offer than the color of my skin. I serve as the Project Leader of the Financial Literacy Project of the Students in Free Enterprise (SIFE) at the --- which involves visiting a Juvenile Detention Center every week to teach middle school and high school children about banking and budgeting. I am also involved in preparing a Business Plan for a woman entrepreneur who wants to get into the bakery business and have completed the Emerging Leader Certificate Program at -- which involved attending various leadership workshops and completing community service hours. I have served as the Publicity Manager for the -- Students Association at the -- in the past where I was responsible for marketing and helping organize several events including luncheons and concerts. I am also an active volunteer at the Office of Student Volunteerism at ---. Additionally, I have a passion for dancing which I have pursued by choreographing and leading several dance groups at various multicultural events and by being an active member of the official Bhangra Dance Team at ---
Through these experiences, I have developed a business sense, learned to work well in a team and to adapt to changes. Working with people from diverse backgrounds has helped me understand different cultures and their viewpoints and I have experienced how this can lead to great results through creative thinking and innovation. I believe this could help the productive growth of the MSF Class at UIUC.
- I serve as the Project Leader of the Financial Literacy Project of the Students in Free Enterprise (SIFE) at the --- which involves visiting a Juvenile Detention Center every week to teach middle school and high school children about banking and budgeting.
- I am also involved in preparing a Business Plan for a woman entrepreneur who wants to get into the bakery business and have completed the Emerging Leader Certificate Program at -- which involved attending various leadership workshops and completing community service hours.
- I have served as the Publicity Manager for the -- Students Association at the -- in the past where I was responsible for marketing and helping organize several events including luncheons and concerts. I am also an active volunteer at the Office of Student Volunteerism at ---.
- Additionally, I have a passion for dancing which I have pursued by choreographing and leading several dance groups at various multicultural events and by being an active member of the official Bhangra Dance Team at ---
My suggestion: rewrite the essay keeping these good ideas in mind
Paragraph structure:
1) What authors in finance influenced your day-to-day outlook? Favorites? What professors mentored you in school?
2) What financial problems do you intend to study? Have you contacted any professors?
3) Write a paragraph about the SIFE Financial Literacy Project
4) Write a paragraph about how you are helping the baker become more successful
5) Write about the financial aspects of dancing, your favorite hobby.
Good luck.
