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Top 20 US Business School - Non Native English Speaker here! - Volume (1)


prietoa 1 / -  
Jan 29, 2011   #1
Any help on this? Not a native English speaker and I would tremendously appreciate any help reviewing the following admission questions:

- Why have you decided to pursue an MBA at this time?

As most cliché it sounds, I consider the MBA degree to be that gem-puzzle piece that, when placed along with other pieces collected from pre-MBA experiences, will sharpen the picture that portrays my professional goals.

Ever since high school, I have dreamed about conducting my own business on a global scale, focusing always in creating value and impacting positively on society. It took me little to realize that such imaginary state was to become my "life puzzle", for which I had to work hard in order to collect the right pieces and to progressively build its shape.

Having that blurry -but pretty sharp in concept - image in my head, I decided to leave my hometown and seek for those needed pieces. Some of them were found in the form of an Engineering degree at one of the top 3 universities in Venezuela, in the form of a Harvard Model UN delegate, as an elected member for a student political movement and even as the first baseman for the college's baseball team. Science knowledge, global matters, leadership and team player pieces were collected back then.

After graduation, I decided to join Accenture and start my venture in the consulting industry. This experience brought other big pieces: global business vision, executive decision-making, international exposure and out-of-the-box mindset. Now I have realized that an MBA, focusing both in consulting and in entrepreneurship, will not only strengthen joints between collected pieces, but will also serve to clear paths towards becoming the businessman I have envisioned.

- Why this XXX Business School?

The search for a business school is not an easy task, and considering the vast offers available globally, a clear mindset must be disposed to choose the right program and to embrace the experience at it's fullest. From my point of view, the decision relies on two important factors: the academic factor and the emotional factor.

It is undeniable that XXX Business School portrays an academic experience of undisputable excellence and reputation. Its notable alumni and its distinctive programs like the ABC and the DEF program, just to name a few, provide a glimpse of how challenging the experience would be. Nevertheless, and not to diminish the consideration on the academics, the emotional factor surrounding the XXX is what attracts me most.

To fully embrace the MBA experience, the business school must offer a comfortable emotional environment to which students can feel related to. This emotional environment, built on ethics, diversity and values, is, undoubtedly, the cornerstone of my decision. Having learnt that XXX poses the "integrity" value onto every aspect of its experience, extensively promotes a collaborative and diverse community, foresees improvement and excellence throughout the implementation of a strategic plan mostly based on developing its people - teachers and students-, and being a program that not only seeks to shape leaders but also better persons -as stated by alumni -, influences tremendously my interest in the program as I find them to be very aligned to my own persona.

- What are your short term post MBA goals?

My 6-year post-undergraduate experience has developed mostly within the Information Technology (IT) field. During these years, I have had the opportunity to participate and provide expertise at various levels and projects: as an analyst, as a subject matter expert and as a team manager in diverse Software Selection and ERP Software implementation projects; as a project manager developing IT Strategy roadmaps for consumer goods companies in Colombia and Venezuela; as a Project Manager Officer in a large IT Transformation project across Latin America subsidiaries of the world's second largest brewery company, just to name some. I have even embraced responsibilities on the expansion of commercial relations with clients thru the development and further sell-out of service proposals in Latin American markets, both for Accenture and for my own consulting entrepreneurial venture.

However, I believe that, in order to pursue my goals of becoming a successful entrepreneur within the consulting industry, I have to holistically cultivate as a professional. My constant encouragement to foresee new ventures dictates the need to softly shift my career path out from the techie fields and pursue, in the short term, experiences in the strategic, supply chain or marketing consultancy fields. These fields, along with a cultivated expertise in the business technology arena, will, on one hand, sharpen the acumen needed to direct the business I have envisioned.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 31, 2011   #2
In the first one, I think you should replace the word "own" with a word that specifies which industry you are attacking. Let these sentences color you in and tell what you are all about. I also think you should not apologize for the "cliche." It is not a cliche, just a good way to explain the significance of an MBA. The only problem is that is uses a lot of words, and it uses even more words if you include those few at the beginning about it being a cliche. So... chop those!

Here is another place to chop:
The search for a business school is not an easy task, and considering the vast offers available globally, a clear mindset must be disposed to choose the right program and to embrace the experience at it's fullest. From my point of view, the decision relies on two important factors: the academic factor and the emotional factor.

See how intriguing it is if you chop the fluff and start with that intriguing sentence? I love it this way...

For the third one, again I don't like the first line. I think you should replace the first line with this: I have to holistically cultivate as a professional. Then, list those roles you have played (very impressive)

Cut this:
However, I believe that, in order to pursue my goals of becoming a successful entrepreneur within the consulting industry, ---weak, nonspecific stuff.
:-)

I hope this helps and does not discourage you! You are impressive.


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