I feel this opening line to be a weak hook. You want something that will grab the readers attention early on.
From a very early age, I had the curiosity to learn more about the world and expand my horizons beyond my home country. I was eighteen when I moved to the U.S., where I had no family or friends, to pursue my studies in engineering. I know that this must have been a significant experience in your life...but... Many people share this same experience and often write about it.
Being in DC, I met people from diverse background and learned to appreciate the uniqueness of each. this last sentence also seems kind of weak. try to say it in a different way.
The international experience I gained from my studies what studies?
was put to the test when I started working in consulting. In my three years as a consultant, I worked with clients in four different markets in the Middle East and Africa perhaps list the markets?
. Growing up in Arab country, I did not expect to find difficulties integrating in other Arab countries. However, I was chocked (choked)
to see the wide/narrow?
spectrum of culture within the Arab world. The work ethics in Egypt was very different <= replace "very different" with better word
than what I was used to, and their pace of work a lot slower. In Kuwait, I was pleasantly surprised with the level of freedom and empowerment of women in organizations. Most of the top position in the company for which I worked were held by local women, and their role was ever expanding in the society.Talk about the markets in one big paragraph or 4 small separate ones or make it clearer that you're going to divide them into 2 sections: "Middle East" and "Africa"
By far however the biggest cultural chock shock
I witnessed was through my work in Nigeria. It was my first visit to Sub Saharan Africa. I had <=have
never seen a country with such high disparity between rich and poor. Upon arrival at the airport, as I was going through passport control, the security guard took my passport and to return it to me, he asked me for a "gift". Despite that disparity, I was impressed by the level of dedication people had for work, and how genuine and kind hearted they were.Elaborate more on your experiences. You only seem to specify on Nigeria
Most importantly <=replace
, the culture I learnt most about through these experiences was my own. Although I was born and raised in Lebanon, I had taken many things for granted what did you take for granted?
and needed to compare our customs which customs are you comparing
to other Western and Arab customs to gain a more critical view of the political situation in the country what is the political situation
and understand the root of all the problems we have been facing what is the problem? please explain.
All those <=these
experiences allowed me to have a more open minded spirit how so?, and (remove) allow
me to understand the diverse cultures of this world, how to appreciate each, and how to quickly and seamlessly adapt my work style to those different cultures check parallel structure (grammar).
I think I will be able to add diversity to the classroom how will you bring diversity
, and offer my knowledge of the emerging market how will you offer knowledge
. Finally, my open-mindedness will help me appreciate what my peers have to offer howhowhow
and I will collaborate with them in creating the international experience that LBS has nurtured every year with students from across the globe.Last comments:
Vary your sentences more, it will make your writing more interesting and use stronger vocabulary
You're also using too many broad statements. Talk about it. Show and don't tell.
Sorry if I sound mean :P