"to pursue retail management" - Human Resources Grad Admission

Hey Guys,
I am applying to a Human Resources Program at the University of Louisville here in Kentucky. I have to submit a "one page goal statement." This is what I have, you think you guys can look over it and give me some pointers? I want to submit it by this weekend. Thanks so much.

"Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." - Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros

As I entered college in August 2004, I was a confused and anxious teenager curious about the future and wondering where I might end up when it was all over. I have always been a passionate individual. At 13 years old, I had memorized The Forbes List of 100 Top Celebrities and recited their salaries to my mother without missing a beat. Whether it is pop culture, fashion, or researching the salaries of Presidents and CEO's when I was 13 years old, I've always found something to motivate me and drive my ambition. By nature I am a leader and I knew when I started college, I would select a major that would let me fuel my passion as well as utilize my talents as a leader. I became involved in campus organizations and extra-curricular activities to sharpen my skills and help me become a well-rounded student. After a few general education requirements, I decided I would pursue business and communication. Always enamored by corporations, marketing and business, I decided that I would love to get involved in management when I graduated from college.

I decided to pursue retail management because I love working with people. Training and motivating individuals makes me feel like I am making a difference, while helping a company reach its goals. After nearly three successful years in retail management, I have discovered that I am prepared to move onto the next step in my career. While retail management has been rewarding and educational, I am ready to expand my talents and experience. Upon graduation from Morehead State University I have worked with two very large corporations. First, being the Walgreen Corporation and now Fossil Incorporated. I accepted my position as assistant manager with Walgreens and because of my tenacity and zeal; I was promoted within less than a year. My supervisor saw the potential in my leadership skills and also my drive to make sure the employees I was responsible for succeeded. Because these two companies are so very large and diversified, I began to realize how crucially important human resources is to the development of an organization.

This isn't an, "I've always known I belonged in Human Resources" goal statement because I haven't always known. Workings in these two corporations have helped me realize just how effective human resources are in making sure a company succeeds. I have proven my accomplishments as a retail manager but to achieve the goals I am searching for, I have a realized I will need to further my education to expand into other areas of the business.

My career goals have been defined by my coursework and professional experience. I started my management career as an inexperienced 22 year-old and needed the guidance of a quality human resource department. Since then, I have found that I want to be a part of that community. My desire is to be actively involved in helping a business or organization achieve its goals. My personal goal is to be an academically grounded human resource manager with the ability to understand the impact of my role in the development of the business. I am sure that the University of Louisville and the Human Resources Education program can ensure that I achieve my career goals.

^Personally, I think this can be removed.

Also, you resort to an informal sense of writing. I suggest implementing formality in your writing piece.

I hope other people take a look at this and help you out Brett.

When you make this claim, at the moment you make it, you are not having a good effect. It does not make the reader simply accept the idea that you are a leader. You should skip the part where you make the claim and instead write a sentence about something you did to demonstrate that you are a leader. Let the reader come to the conclusion without being told.

It is the same right here: I have always been a passionate individual.---This sentence does not make the reader think you are passionate. It makes the reader think you are someone who claims to be passionate based on your own standard.

I became involved in campus organizations and extra-curricular activities to sharpen my skills and help me become a well-rounded student. ---- This sounds unrealistic. It would be better to actually say what they were and your real reasons for choosing them.

I would like it if this great sentence was the first sentence of the essay:
Always enamored by corporations, marketing and business, I decided that I would love to get involved in management when I graduated from college.----If the essay began with this very meaningful sentence, I would really be interested as soon as I started to read!

:-)