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Toefl: playing game is fun only when we win


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Mar 5, 2010, 03:30pm   #1
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing a game is fun only when you win. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.



Playing game is one of the many things that all people like to do, because it brings pleasure ,fun and also the happiness. I do not agree with people who think that playing game is fun only when they win, because playing game has other importance than only winning. The first importance of playing game is that it gathers all the member of the family. The parents can spend their free time with their kids on playing game. Whoever wins the game, the family is the real winner, because both the kids and the parents share some thing together. These moments of playing game ...

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Hi again. I must say I liked you previous essay much more.

Strictly from grammatic point of view there are quite a lot of mistakes and typos:

Playing games is one of the many things that all people like to do, because it brings pleasure, fun and happiness. I do not agree with people who think that playing game is fun only when they win, because playing game has other importance than only winning. The first importance of playing game is that it gathers all the member of the family. The parents can spend their free time with their kids while playing game. Whoever wins the game, the family is the real winner, because both the kids and the parents share something together. These moments of playing game affect the kids as much as they affect the parents. Obviously, The parents and the kids will feel each other. However, the parents will try to spend more time with their kids. On the other hand, the kids will do all their home work to play with their parents. Secondly, playing game helps to avoid being stressed. People need to play games not only to win but to forget the presser of the workday. Play games allow people to laugh and think positively. So, they will be far from getting depressed by work or other occupations. Another importance of playing games is that it develops the love of challenge in person. Some games require some intelligence or just persistence. This challenge developed through playing games will be used in solving other problems or reaching some goals in life. For example if the game requires to find the way to reach some points, the person playing this game will use the same challenge to find this way in searching all the alternatives and solutions to solve the problems or to realize their goals in life. Some people believe that playing a game is fun only when they win because they do not feel less smart, or less intelligence. I think that we must have confidence in ourselves. It is not playing a game that evaluates our intelligence or our ability (to do what?). I really savor the moments of playing any game especially with my family. I do not care who wins, because I feel the happiness, the peace and only these is the real winning.


You should use either "Playing games" or "Playing a game".
You should pay more attention when you use Present Simple and add those "s" in verbs.

Obviously, The parents and the kids will feel each other. However, the parents will try to spend more time with their kids. On the other hand, the kids will do all their home work to play with their parents.


What do you mean by "feel each other"? I am not sure what are you trying to say, but I strongly believe that "feeling each other" is what you meant. And you are using some wrong words here to connect sentences. What you do is trying to contradict the previous sentence. But instead you should be using words like "In addition", "Moreover", "Besides", etc.

From stylistic point of view try to separate your essay in some paragraphs. At least separate the introduction, main body and conclusion.

And I wanna say something about your ideas for this essay. Jumping straight to the parents-kids playing a game was a HUGE surprise for me. A bad one. I dont think it's a good example. It's not really what your essay should be about. You should have written something similar to the second half of your essay.

I am sorry for being so harsh.
Azamat, I really appreciate the good work you are doing here lately. Thanks!!
djanat, do you notice that Azamat removed the word "the" before "happiness?" We don't usually need to use the word the before "happiness." It is one of those norms in English that make English so hard to learn.

Your writing is very clear and easy to understand, despite some errors.

One important suggestion I would like to make is that you should use paragraphs. Google this:
how to write good paragraphs
And google this:
how to write good topic sentences

:-)



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