The world is watching.
I love this first line, but you need one more sentence at the end of this first paragraph, and it has to mention the world watching once more to complete the idea. That way, the end of the first para will resolve the question raised in readers' minds.
When you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
Obtaining an MBA is crucial at this poin
t, because I need a better understanding of topics such as...
My education and career
have been focused
around on various
different fac
ets of the technology field, from building communication devices in college to conducting due diligence on high-tech startups at a venture-capital firm in Taiwan.
Nice job, this is really impressive.
...because it
not only provides not only a high quality MBA education, but also an opportunity to achieve two of my most important career goals: _________ and ____________. With its rigorous curriculum, I will gain valuable...